Derby & Moan

‘TSK! Isn’t it just awful. Just look at the state of them. It might be “JUST ANOTHER GIRLS NIGHT OUT” to Bianca and Jade, but to the right-minded Mail reader it’s debauched and a sure sign that England, my England is coming apart at the seams.

“These disturbing pictures were taken last Saturday evening in Bristol. What do they say about plans for 24-hour drinking?” says the Mail above shots of brawling, drunk and prone youth.

We don’t know if the Mail’s man on the scene took those shocking images with a traditional camera or his mobile phone, only that he did. And thanks to such fearless reporting, Mail readers are now able to gawp at drunken youths.

“Just look at that, dear,” says Mrs Pendergrass. “She’ll catch her death of cold in that top. Unless the illegal immigrant cab driver doesn’t run her over, or worse.” Mr Pendergrass puts down his marmalade toast and dashes over to have a look.

“That girl’s sozzled,” she goes on. “She looks like she’s about to fall out of her clothes.” Mr Pendergrass stares at the images, his eyes misting over; a piece of moist orange peel hangs limply on his bottom lip.

But let’s not be too hard on the Mail. While Sun readers have pneumatic Keeley, 19, to ogle at, the Mail needs to dress up their partially clothed women in an actual news story.

As does the Mirror. With no busty babes to deliver its news, the Mirror casts its net wider than Bristol, all the way to Cancun, Mexico.

“WE WANTED A RELAXING HOLIDAY,” says the papers headline teaser, “BUT INSTEAD WE GOT 24-HOUR FILTH.”

If any reader is still not convinced that this story should be read, the paper breaks it into bullet points: “Couples romp in pool”; “Boozy oral sex games”; “Swingers play in nude.”

There’s even “undercover footage” (see mobile camera phone) of “guests playing a banana game at the Blue Bay hotel”.

We won’t go into any more details for fear of upsetting our readers. And can only say we have the deepest sympathy for the British tourists, including several pensioners, who found themselves trapped in the resort surrounded by “sex-crazed swingers”.

“It was filthy and depraved,” says Marlene Black, 65. “I have never seen people as obsessed with sex.”

But then has she ever been out in Bristol on a Saturday night, or read the Mail..?’

Posted: 18th, October 2005 | In: Tabloids Comment | TrackBack | Permalink