Anorak News | Dear Kate…

Dear Kate…

by | 1st, November 2005

‘“DEAR Jordan…” And so begins the next page in the life of the pneumatic star.

Who wants to join Jordan on the couch?

To go with her new title as Mrs Peter Andre, Jordan has embarked on a new career – she’s OK! first ever agony aunt.

But before we can hear her words of wisdom, Jordan wants to set the scene. She wants to tell us how she’s had a new sunbed and a gym installed at home.

Ever the professional, Jordan has researched her new role, viewed the competition from all manner of unflattering angles – the likes of This Morning’s Denise Robertson, Claire Rayner and the Sun’s Dear Deirdre – and realised that to stay ahead of the agony pack she should get herself a good tan and a flat stomach. It worked for Freud. And it will work for her.

Job done, Jordan is free to see her first client. Come into the office, take off your coat, that skirt, the top and tell Jordan what ails you, KL.

“I have one boob bigger than the other,” says KL. “On one side I measure 32B and on the other I’m 32 D.” What can I do? Please help.

KL’s come to the right person. Jordan is on it in a flash. “One solution would be to get some of those chicken fillet gel implants than you put in your bra to make your boobs bigger.”

Sounds good. And if KL can add a secret blend of herbs and spices and fry the chicken, she should smell good, too. Her boyfriend will be ravenous with passion.


“Dear Jordan what do I do about being fat and ugly?” asks Laura. Easy. Jordan knows. “It doesn’t matter what you look like,” say Jordan. “It matters what you’re like on the inside – I bet you’re far more beautiful on the inside than the others.”

Sure thing, Jordan. It’s not about plastic breasts, assisted hair and perm-tanned skin. Real beauty comes from within. Sadly, a glamour photographer might not see it, and the best Laura can hope for is a job modeling kinky rubber masks for a fetish website and mascot suits.


Writes Anon: “Dear Jordan, like yourself, I got married a few weeks ago and now after the wedding I’m feeling a bit depressed.” What can I do?

Jordan knows. “Spend some time together that’s just for you. And remember why you wanted to marry your man in the first place.” Or you could try getting some new breasts, ones that will stop from you feeling so flat.


It’s CC. “I’ve been married for just over a year and have lost interest in having sex with my husband.” What can I do?

“You could go away for a dirty weekend,” says Jordan, “you could wear some nice underwear, talk about your fantasies. Introduce sex toys.” Buy a vibrating, singing acorn.

Marry Pete…’

Posted: 1st, November 2005 | In: Reviews Comment | TrackBack | Permalink