Dynasty

‘HAVING mummified his granny and Windsor Castle in celluloid, the surprise is that Prince Eddie wasn’t asked to make the film of his brother Charles’s affair with Camilla.

With Charles’s pet begonias unwilling to talk, surely Eddie was well placed to tell us amore about the real lives of Charles and his famous mistress.

But no. Eddie never got the call to work on the film Whatever Love Means, to be screened on ITV next month.

The honour of laying Camilla and Charles down on tape went to David Blair, whose credits include the TV series Anna Karenina and the superb The Lakes.

But the show’s producers should have got Eddie. Blair hasn’t by any account done a bad job; he’s just not done the job he thought he was being hired to do. “I was subjected to a level of interference that I found unacceptable,” says Blair. “The film was being re-edited without me.”

Eddie should have got the job. Eddie’s name on the credits would have gone down well with the American audience for whom this film was surely made – it has been co-produced by the American cable channel Women’s Entertainment.

The Americans can’t get enough of all that Royal stuff. And while Britishers can see just 70 minutes of Charles and Camilla at it, the Americans have an extra 20 minutes.

But what are we and they getting? If the script is any guide, it’s exactly what the Americans expect – Dynasty with real titles and a real dynasty.

Take what is supposed to be the very first line Charles uttered to Camilla: “Did you know the first ever game of polo was played in Hounslow in 1869?”

Yes, Hounslow, the first stop on most Americans trip to London as the jumbo jet they’re arriving on hurtles into land at the London borough of Hounslow’s most famous landmark, Heathrow Airport. Watch out for the polo horses?

It’s the stuff of fantasy. Americans raised of Styrofoam expect the British to speak with cut-glass accents. The British men are cold and the women randy and unfulfilled.

Just listen to Camilla as she gets Charles back to her flat. “You’re going to find out I’m a slut soon enough,” she tells him.

Ever the traditionalist, Charles dutifully proposes marriage: “I’m fearfully fond of you but I’ve no desire whatsoever to be Queen,” says Camilla in a language that’s a pastiche of just about every Bronte book that’s ever been turned into film. “Can’t we just have fun?”

Charles: “I’m not very good at fun.”

Camilla: “Don’t worry, I’m good enough for both of us.”

And looking at the drippy look on Diana’s face, Camilla needs to have enough fun for three.

Rather than being some princess of hearts, Diana is turned into a kind of Krystal Carrington character. She’s blonde. She’s simpering. She’s boring. And she’ll never be loved in the way Charles (Blake) loved Camilla (Alexis).

And she’s been made that way. Says Charles: “Divorce Andrew [Andrew Parker Bowles] and marry me?” Camilla: “I’ll be branded a calculating witch. I’m going to find you a wife. Someone you can mould a little.”

And blessed with all the allure and worldliness of a lump of dough, is Di ever mouldable.

The gel never stood a chance. As Charles tells Camilla: ‘You’re the only woman I’ve ever loved in my life, no-one could ever take your place – which is appalling luck for Diana.”

And very hard cheese on Prince Eddie…’

Posted: 10th, November 2005 | In: Celebrities Comment | TrackBack | Permalink