A Thriller With Camilla

‘THE Beatles, Manchester United and the deep-fried kebab. Three things that have left Britain to conquer America. And now we add to that illustrious list of exports a fourth name: Camilla.

“PRINCE CHARLES INTRODUCES HIS ‘DARLING WIFE’ TO AMERICA,” announces the cover of Hello! with great fanfare. “CAMILLA TAKES CENTRE STAGE ON HER FIRST OVERSEAS TOUR.”

To remind us who Camilla is, Hello! produces a cover shot of a woman in jodhpurs, puffing on a fag and wildly snorting with laughter as she points towards a picture of a pale and wan Princess Diana.

Of course it does not. These days Camilla is no longer the wicked mistress, the evil step-mother with the fag breath, bad fashion and a horse’s head. She’s new Camilla. She’s got Camilla chic.

And Hello! has “all the anecdotes” of she and her fragrant husband’s trip to the States.

Yes, all the anecdotes. Camilla might well be refreshingly down to earth, but she’s no pleb, not these days. If Hello! is going to learn what was said and to whom, it will have to rely on reported information.

So as the couple land at JFK airport, their spokesman Paddy Harveson sees the Prince reach out and clasp his wife’s hand. “Yes, it’s true,” says Paddy, “she hates flying.”

Wow! We’re off to a flyer. And it’s not long before Hello has more anecdotes to entertain us and our dinner party guests with.

“What’s it like to be in New York?” asks a TV reporter. “Very good,” replies Camilla coolly.

Later, a snapper spots Camilla’s midnight blue dress and Union Jack handbag. “Look, I’m flying the flag for Britain.” says she. And doing us proud.

The Hello! dinner party is now in full riotous swing. And like all the best after-dinner speakers, Hello! delivers its big punch for the pudding.

It spots Elaine Stritch, the veteran star. Ah, dear, dear, Elaine. “He was adorable,” says Elaine, “and I said to Camilla, ‘You look great.’ She said, ‘You need glasses.’”

And with that our host brings the anecdotes to an end, having given us all so much to feast upon. Like a deep-fried Mars kebab – by Royal appointment…’

Posted: 17th, November 2005 | In: Reviews Comment | TrackBack | Permalink