Anorak News | Breaking The Mould

Breaking The Mould

by | 30th, December 2005

‘SEE the modern Briton smoking, binge drinking and being hugely overweight about town. Does he not have fragrance? Does he not have chav chic?

But it really won’t do. You see, he is not a happy creature. He must be changed. He must be socially engineered.

So, as the Mirror reports, the burghers of Wrexham are conditioning the way locals respond to alcohol by way of some strategically placed mood lighting. Instead of angry yellow and vomitous orange, the areas outside pubs and clubs will be bathed in lighting in pastel shades.

It’s a plan every bit as bold as it is daring. And we pull on our rose-tinted spectacles and applaud Wrexham for tackling violent drunks head on.

So with drinking cured, what of smoking? The Government has already banned smoking in bars, pubs and clubs where food is served. But the Mail has seen the results of a survey commissioned by Cancer Research UK and Action on Smoking and Health (ASH). It says that 72% of Britons back legislation to make all workplaces, including pubs and bars, smoke-free.

In line with what passes for the majority position, we hereby call for a total ban on smoking in public. And urge cigarette manufactures to change the colour of their products so that a lit fag glows in pastel pink or milky beige. If pastels can stop violent drunks, let’s try the same trick on smokers.

And if cigarette manufacturers can make the fags smell of potpourri, so much the better.

All that remains is to curb our enthusiasm for eating fat. And the Mail hears of a new Government plan that aims to keep us lithe and fit – our young are going to be weighed.

The paper says The Department of Health is to issue guidance to primary care trusts next year on how nurses will weigh children at school.

As a spokesmen for the DoH explains: “This is not so much about measuring individual children but about motivating children, families and local populations to live healthy active lives.”

It’s truly amazing what can be achieved by winching little Armani onto a set of scales. We look forward to the day when school children are streamed according to their body mass index.

Roll on the day when we are all slim, non-smoking and teetotal – and Britain appears on the world map as a delicate smudge of purple…’

Posted: 30th, December 2005 | In: Tabloids Comment | TrackBack | Permalink