Being Elton

‘YOU know how it is. The photographer’s set his flashbulbs to ‘dazzle’, the towering cake’s been baked and iced, and the crystals have been hand stitched to everything that moves.

All Elton John and David Furnish need do is rock up, say “there is no legal reason why we many not be registered as each other’s civil partners” for the day to be a hit.

But there’s a snag. Elton and David have decided that they don’t want a celebrity magazine to cover their big day and the ensuing do.

Which means OK! has to find a way to change Elton’s mind or risk seeing all the preparation work, the Gruyere cheese tartlets and the mince pies go to waste.

But in the nick of time, with the groom and groom figurines sinking into the cake’s uppermost layer of sponge, comes a reprieve. Phillip Turner and Gary Cockerill say that they will be married. And OK! most definitely is invited.

Never mind that Phillip and Gary are less famous than their “beloved” King’s Charles Spaniel Dolly, what’s important is that they are gay, they are men, the outfits fit and they are available.

In any case, OK! can always fill the scene with other celebs, hoping that standing the couple either side of Jordan will cause some of her stardust to fall on their unknown heads.

And if Jordan is not enough – although she is surely more than enough for two men, possible three or maybe four men – OK! people the crowd scene with Francine Lewis, Emma B, Emma Noble and Melinda Messenger.

Keen celebrity algebraists will quickly realise that three Z-listers plus one DD–lister to the power of Jordan equals one Kelly Brook.

Sadly, Brook was able only to appear in telegram form. But the occasion did yet get more starry when who but Barbara Windsor teetered up in pair of crystallised gold shoes to reprise the role so ably performed by Jordan and stand between Phillip and Gary.

Or Gary and Phillip, as they are’

Posted: 20th, January 2006 | In: Reviews Comment | TrackBack | Permalink