Anorak News | Brits Of A Do

Brits Of A Do

by | 16th, February 2006

‘LAST night the British music industry’s AGM was held at the cavernous Earl’s Court Arena in London.

Anyone who is anyone in the music business was there to see the stars vie for a Brits award and with it the chance to boost album sales in the bleak mid-winter.

The Mail lists all the winners on a scroll of honour. We note that James Blunt is the Best British Male Solo Artist; KT Tunstall is the Best Female Solo Artist; and the Kaiser Chiefs are The Best British Group.

You might be forgiven to thinking that that’s the end of it. All bases have been covered – male star, female star and band.

But this is modern music, with more species and sub-species than the Amazon River basin. It’s positively specious.

So Jack Johnson wins a statuette for Best International Breakthrough Act. Lemar wins the Best Urban Act trophy. And Paul Weller is handed the music business’s equivalent of a gold carriage clock that is the award for Outstanding Contribution to Music.

Perhaps if Weller, the so-called Modfather of pop, dips into his complimentary goody bag and splashes on enough of the £550 pot of Estee Lauder Re-Nutrive Cream he will be up for next year’s Best Youth Act.

But before that, what we really want to know is what went on behind the scenes. As the Mirror says on its front page, it’s all about “The glitz, the glam, the winners, the whiners”.

The paper notes that Kanye West, the American rapper, won the battle of the entourages. He rocked up with a posse of 30 liggers/assistants/hangers-oners, seeing of a spirited challenge from Paris Hilton (12) and Madonna (4).

And, apart from the news that Kelly Osbourne had to have last-minute hair extensions woven onto her scalp because all her real hair fell out (a result of over-bleaching), that’s it.

No cars driven into swimming pools. No dressing rooms full to bursting point with drugs, groupies and Blue Peter presenters. No fights. No medical emergencies. No smashed up TVs.

Of course, as the Star knows best, none of that really matters. The important thing is not who wins what and what occurs but what the girls are wearing.

Disappointingly, the paper carries no shots of wardrobe malfunctions. But with the Star’s snappers using their flash guns’ power like portable X-ray machines, we do get to see the curvature of Kelly Clarkson’s backside.

And that’s it. Of course, we shouldn’t be too upset. It’s all just a bit on fun. As James Blunt tells the paper: “No musician should take awards seriously.”

Indeed. The serious business is how much cash a gong can earn you…’

Posted: 16th, February 2006 | In: Tabloids Comment | TrackBack | Permalink