Anorak News | Junk Policy

Junk Policy

by | 3rd, March 2006

‘IS there a norm, a kind of mould to which all children should fit in this brave new world?

Criminal gang sought in connection with brownie caper

If there is, you can bet your last Rolo that it’s not wide in the hips, thick around the neck and bulging at the middle.

Fat is very out. And fat kids are the very worst. We must have no fat kids. They make the place look untidy. They reflect badly on the nation.

So having spent hours and hours and lots of cash debating what the word obesity means in focus groups and committee rooms, the Government has come up with a plan to trim off the excess, and it involves banning junk food in schools.

“Schools to ban fizzy drinks and chocolate,” says the Times’s front page. Instead of sugary pop and things most children really enjoy eating (however lacking in essential nutrients, vitamins and other stuff) the kids will be served yoghurt drinks, nuts and seeds. Oh, and low calorie hot chocolate.

While Armani eats a shake for breakfast, a shake for lunch and a shake for tea, and watches the weight fall away faster than she can say diarrhoea, the Guardian hears from Dame Suzi Leather, chairman of the new School Food Trust.

Says she: “New food standards from September will improve school meals, but they cannot succeed if pupils are surrounded with chocolate, crisps, and drinks that fill them up with sugar and fat during the school day.” So such things are forbidden. Vending machines, which, as the Times says, are believed to earn schools £2,500 a year, will be outlawed.

And there is more. “One in eight of our children is now obese,” says Leather. “Anecdotal evidence suggests that, when these products are removed, behaviour also improves.’

Anecdotal evidence, eh. It’s good to know this decree is based on sound scientific principals. But such is the power of pumpkin seeds. Not only do such foods make children slimmer, they also make the blighters easier to control. Who needs detention and the cane when you have muesli and yoghurt?

But what about sneaking the contraband in? What’s to stop the home economics’ students setting up an illicit brownie factory and lemonade still in the school’s kitchens? Education, that’s what.

The Government’s advice does not dictate what can and cannot be included in junior’s lunchbox. So, as the Times says, parents will be issued with guidelines. They will be told that foods high in fat and sugar should not be included in their children’s packed lunches.

But if they are, Armani might care to note that such is way of prohibition that the going rate for a bag of crisps is £2.50 and a finger of chocolate costs £3 with the buyer agreeing to do your maths homework for a week.’

Posted: 3rd, March 2006 | In: Reviews Comment | TrackBack | Permalink