Anorak News | Permission Impossible

Permission Impossible

by | 28th, March 2006

‘WE are as excited at you are at the impending arrival of little Ron Hubbard Holmes-Cruise.

An artist’s impression of the birth

The papers fail to give the precise date of the birth, but they do note that preparations for the event are well underway.

As the Sun says on its front page (“Cruise in birth control”), Tom Cruise and his pregnant lover Katie Holmes are getting the family home ready.

And that means placing signs up around the couple’s Beverly Hills mansion reminding Holmes that she must not utter a word during labour.

As has been reported on these pages, as a keen follower of Scientology, Cruise is urging his lover to adhere to the strictures of the code. And, most notably, that means remaining mute during the birth.

And Holmes cannot do it alone. The Sun looks on as workers deliver posters reminding the actress of her duties. These “birthing boards” will be positioned around the domicile to remind Holmes that however great the temptation, she must not give in.

As one board says: “Maintain silence in the presence of birth to save both the sanity of the mother and child.”

Failure to do so will inflict “psychic” damage on the child which can only be addressed through years of therapy.

While mothers look at their Asbo-laden brood and wonder how different things could have been had they not screeched “Drugs! Give me drugs” at the moment of truth, the Mail spots another board. It reads: “Be silent and make all physical movement slow and understandable.”

Holmes should try not to spasm, thrash about or race around the room begging: “Get it out! Get it out!”

Although she is, it seems, allowed to take hold of Cruise’s hands, albeit in slow motion, and make her feelings unequivocal by squeezing hard.

Indeed, until Holmes is told via a cue card not to, she may even be allowed to bite down on the Cruise fingers…hard. If so, Cruise must remain utterly silent, lest he be driven mad and forced into therapy…’

Posted: 28th, March 2006 | In: Tabloids Comment | TrackBack | Permalink