Thongs For The Memories

‘TOM Jones should take care. The women who now make up the sturdier part of his fan base have aged.

They are less likely to toss lacy knickers in his direction than they are to hurl a substantial iron-hard corset with complimentary thermal vest and massive apple catchers.

There are three of Jones’s adoring female fans in the Mail, all identically dressed in beige raincoat, pink rain hat and no little blonde dolly dye.

The paper identifies this nightmarish sisterly trio as Joy, 76, and 73-year-old twins Babs and Teddie. Tom’s no ageist – at 65, even a “sex bomb” can’t afford to be – and gives them his time.

But Jones must soon move on – places to go, women to meet. And, having done with the Beverly sisters, leaving them satisfied but still craving more – “Oh, we love you Tom, you’re so wonderful,” they chime in unison – Jones steps inside Buckingham Palace to renew his acquaintance with Her Majesty the Queen, 79.

As the Mail reports, Jones was last at the Palace in 1999. Back then he collected an OBE – an event he celebrated with a 21-year-old lapdancer from Blackpool. She went by the name of Christian James, and, for purposes of factual reporting, the Mail publishes a picture of her dressed as the eponymous temptress of Tom’s hit Delilah.

This time things are different. Now Jones only has rheumy blue eyes for the Queen. And the Star has a nice shot of Her Majesty raising her sword and investing Jones under his original name Thomas Woodward. A quick look confirms the happy truth that no royal thong or eau de nile-hued bodice dangles from the weapon’s sharper end.

The Queen remains the picture of composed womanhood as she dubs the “Sex gong” (Sun) Sir Tom.

Duly elevated in status and being, Jones emerges to tell the Mail of his exchange with the regent. “I love seeing the Queen,” says Tom. He goes on: “She asked me how long I had been giving people pleasure. I told her 41 years.”

At which point Her Majesty commended his not unenviable staying power, and became oddly misty eyes…’

Posted: 30th, March 2006 | In: Tabloids Comment | TrackBack | Permalink