Anorak News | Breast Gazing

Breast Gazing

by | 30th, March 2006

‘OF course you are not leering at that Page 3 girl – you are interested in hearing her opinions of matters most urgent.

I see a footballer. A spit roast. Trisha. Another footballer…

Today Nicola T tells Sun readers that she has seen the new Prince Harry waxwork at Madam Tussauds and is chuffed to bits that he has “turned into a nice hunky young man”.

And Nicola can be trusted. She is a well-rounded girl. She is a natural homebuilder. She will make some footballer a good wife. Oranges are like that.

Like you, we are keen students of sternomancy. This, as the Star tells its readers, is the “art” of telling fortunes by looking and fondling a woman’s breasts.

The paper says that this form of fortune telling is making a comeback in Europe. And by way of a master class to induct its readers into the Star School Of Sternomancy the paper produces a handy rip-out-and-keep guide to any readers keen to set up in business. So pay attention and listen up as Hungarian lecturer Adam Lesko tells all.

As the picture shows, Malene Espensen, 25, has pear-shaped boobs. Lesko, who may or may not have handled the mo-dels crystal balls says he likes of Marlene will have “wonderful sex and big rows.” (Readers who want to enrol in the hands on part of the course should send off for a ‘text book’, and include a plain brown paper envelope for postal deliveries),

Watermelon-sized breast (as worn by model Sophie Howard) will get plenty of male attention. Apples (Victoria Beckham) reveal a woman who wants to stick with one partner.

Fox Nose bosoms (Paris Hilton) are sported by cool women with sharp brains. And Triangles (Kate Moss) are a sign that the owner is most excitable – “nothing is taboo in the bedroom for them”.

Whether or not the same rules apply to men, is not revealed…’

Posted: 30th, March 2006 | In: Tabloids Comment | TrackBack | Permalink