Anorak News | Pipes Down

Pipes Down

by | 3rd, April 2006

‘OI! Put that out. No, not the cigarette. That hosepipe. Don’t you know there’s a ban on?

Mix two parts gin to one part vodka

From today, more than eight million Thames Water customers are forbidden from using a hosepipe. There is now so little water in the region that colonic irrigators, gardeners and other users of hosepipes are being told to desist with immediate effect.

But do not panic. The Times hears David Gilchrist, a spokesman for the Horticultural Trade Association, say that gardeners can still use watering cans. So too colonic irrigators.

But gardeners need not panic. The Guardian has enlisted one Jane Perrone to give gardeners some tips on how to water their garden sans hose.

“When you do need to water, use a watering can – it’s great exercise for your arms,” says Perrone. And: “Try cutting back on your outings with the lawn mower.” Perrone’s is a holistic approach to the hosepipe ban, taking in improved health and, if your mower is petrol powered, a cleaner world.

But the ban on water is not about improving the planet. As the Guardian also reports, the ban is not being extended to washing the polluting car. The paper says hand carwash garages in the south-east that use high-pressure hoses will remain unaffected.

Gary Smith, national water industry officer for the GMB, the union that represents water workers, is unimpressed. “Thames Water have an absolute cheek to prioritise industrial premises that wash cars over domestic customers who pay the bills year in and year out,’ says he.

And this is not all. According to GMB figures, the ban comes at a time of rising prices to the consumer – the bill for a household in the Thames Water region is set to rise from £153 a year to £161.

Of course this money is needed to improve the infrastructure, through which some of what the Times estimates to be 915 million litres of water a day leaks.

So here’s our suggestion – turn your gardens into huge holes and set yourself up as water companies. And when you run out of water, when it has all leaked away, just charge your customers more. Or give them gin to dink – while you build a bigger hole…’

Posted: 3rd, April 2006 | In: Uncategorized Comment | TrackBack | Permalink