Anorak News | Liquidising The Enemy

Liquidising The Enemy

by | 18th, April 2006

‘NEWS that the swan found dead in Scotland had contracted deadly bird flu in Germany was heartening.

A toad

But as one crisis abates another rears its head. Margaret Hodge, the Employment Minister, has told the Sunday Telegraph that many of us may vote for the British National Party in next month’s local elections.

Referring to her East London constituency of Barking, Hodge said: “When I knock on doors I say to people ‘Are you tempted to vote BNP?’ and many, many, many – eight out of 10 of the white families, say yes.’ She added: ‘That’s something we have never seen before, in all my years, even when people voted BNP they used to be ashamed to vote BNP. Now they are not.’

Of course, none of this will be a problem should Iran continue with its nuclear programme and chuck a missile or two at Essex.

Each week brings with it new tale of doom and gloom and after bird flu and despotic Iranians this week it’s the turn of white supremacists, neo-Nazis and ghoulish loons in pointy white hats to send a chill down our spines.

But there is a solution to all our ills. And it comes from Australia. The Telegraph reports that Australians are seeking to put an end to the clear and present danger presented by cane toads.

As the paper explains in a potted history, “the toads were introduced to Queensland from South America in the 1930s to prey on a beetle that was devastating sugar cane plantations.”

Problem is – you guessed it – the toad has proved less than effective against the insects and just spends all day multiplying. There are now millions of them.

Australians are less than pleased and have taken to catching and killing the amphibians. As the paper reports, Darwin locals have are going out at night in ‘musters” and capturing the toads by torchlight.

Which presents another problem: what to do with the toads once they have been caught? Answer: turn them into fertiliser.

FrogWatch, a conservation group, is suggesting that the toads are liquidised and turned into “toad juice’. As Graham Sawyer, FrogWatch’s founder says: “They stink when they are rotting down but at the end you are left with a clear blue liquid.”

The idea has caught on and a fertiliser company in Darwin has produced the first batch of toad juice from 440lbs of dead toads. This essence of toad is reported to be good for growing bananas and papayas.

But what does this mean for our own problems? Well is it not clear. It is time to liquidise the enemy, whether it be birds, scrawny Iranian leaders with objectionable ambitions and neo-Nazis.

And if you are wondering how to best despatch the enemy, and are too law-abiding and humane to wield a cricket bat or golf club, then note that non-sporting Australians off their toads by smearing them with haemorrhoid cream before placing them in a freezer.

Don’t get angry – get Anusol. And with the hose pipe ban on and water running out, it’s a policy that may yet see your garden roses reach their fullest bloom…’

Posted: 18th, April 2006 | In: Uncategorized Comment | TrackBack | Permalink