Curry In A Hurry

‘COME on, Jade! You can do it. Get those kebabs up. Only 26 miles to the next chicken madras and chips stop.

But Jade wasn’t listing. Our words of encouragement at the London Marathon were being drowned out by the sound of blood pumping in her ears, and GMTV’s Andrew Castle vomiting by the kerb.

“Jade looked like she was turning blue,” said an eyewitness. “She was clearly overheating and you could see lots of steam coming off her.” Another voice told us: “I’ve been coming to watch the marathon for years and I’ve never seen anyone in such a state.”

And that must be a result. Watching marathons is surely not too unlike watching a Formula 1 Grand Prix – the only interesting bits, breaks in the procession, are when someone hits the wall. Unless, of course, you have a fetish for vests.

That was Monday. On Tuesday, David Bedford, director of the London Marathon, said that Jade Goody’s attempt to win the race was “almost at times suicidal”.

“For her to think ‘I’m just going to walk around’ and not even be able to do that shows she’s done nothing and isn’t in good shape,” said Bedford.

But Jade had gone 21 miles, and that is not too shabby. “Bearing in mind I’m eating takeaways, I did all right,” said Jade.

But then she had not been checked for performance-enhancing drugs. On Thursday we heard that Jade was “hooked” on slimming pills.

She took one just before her London Marathon debut and once mixed them with absinthe at a children’s party.

Slimming pills have been known to contain amphetamine. That’s speed. Had Jade won the Marathon, we shudder to think of the ramifications. For Ben Johnson at the Seoul Olympics, read Jade Goody in London.

Of course, Jade should not worry too much about her weight. John Prescott is not exactly svelte and he can pull.

On Thursday, we heard the chilling news that Deputy Prime Minister Prescott had cheated on his wife with his secretary, Tracey Temple.

Hypocritical? Let’s consider the evidence. The Times tells us that when aged 13, honest John reported his father to the police. “My dad’s a magistrate,” said John. “I’ve seen him kissing another woman.” Young Prescott was shocked at such impropriety.

And there are other quotes, these taken from Prescott’s professional life. “I’m told Tories think ethics is a county in Middlesex.” Well, it’s not in Prescott’s native Hull, so Middlesex seems as good a guess as any. “For many Tories, morality is not getting caught,” said Prescott.

But hold on! Prezza might look like a bellicose bruiser, the kind of bloke who throws the first punch, makes the first snide comment and flicks the first hand gesture, but the truth is so very different.

On Friday we began to realise that this affair was nothing to do with him. Tracey was a “maneater”. She’d had nine lovers. She’d kept diaries of her affairs. She’d been known to go about in red leather trousers.

Prezza was the good man seduced by a wanton hussy. Poor John. He had not erred; his only crime was to have been misunderstood.

That’s just what moral crusader Tony Blair was telling us on Friday.

“People forget about John and the Kyoto Treaty,” said Tony in an interview in the Mirror. “And the reason we have the Channel Tunnel rail link is because he brokered the deal out of a complete mess,” said Tony.

John played a pivotal role in solving the fire dispute, said Tony. John is of “great value”. John is “vital” to the Labour Party.

“People don’t know the true value of what he does because it is so often behind the scenes,” said Tony.

Indeed. What John gets up to behind the scenes is nothing short of incredible. Well, what other word could you use to describe the sleaze-buster who got caught with his trousers round his ankles?’

Posted: 30th, April 2006 | In: Broadsheets Comment | TrackBack | Permalink