Anorak News | In Other Words

In Other Words

by | 11th, June 2006

PICTURES can say a thousand words, but last week’s best were saying just one, or two.

The Mail’s shot of Wayne Rooney kicking a football in anger – he appeared to fly as he refulgently volleyed a ball towards the net – said “YES!”

The Sun’s picture of Heather Mills McCartney in a clinch with a curly haired man said “Yes! Yes!”

But the pictures of Mrs Paul McCartney, as published in the self-help manual Die Freuden der Liebe (The Lover’s Guide), carried no words.

Heather’s work with baby oil is an educational tool founded on the international language of love. And who needs mere words when you have such enraptured and enthusiastic teachers?

But words can be powerful. And later in the week the Sun told us that Heather’s relief teacher (lets’ call him Helmut) will tell all. He will tell the world that after the cameras stopped clicking, he and Heather made love.

And this might be bad news for Heather. The paper said that in light of Heather’s artistic past, her divorce settlement could be slashed. This divorce between Paul and Heather threatens to get messier than a baby oil orgy.

Heather knows that reputations hard won can be lost in a moment. Just take Roan Keating, the fresh-faced crooner so clean he squeaks when he walks.

Or at least he did before we learned that he has taken drugs.

“I think people would be shocked if they heard Ronan Keating took drugs,” said Ronan. “I was a bit naive towards them. I was afraid that I’d be the unlucky one. Between you and me I’ve tried it (dope). We went to Holland, as everyone does, we tried it. I have to say it wasn’t for me. I didn’t enjoy it.”

That Ronan should equate a trip to Holland with trying drugs makes us wonder how far he immersed himself in the Dutch way.

Did Ronan go for a full Dutch experience and hire a prostitute? Did he return from his trip laden down with tulip bulbs and large round cheeses? Did he marry a homosexual?

And then there was Sir Cliff Richard. On Friday came the news that we never believed possible – Cliff used a bad word.

“F**k yourself.” That’s what the Mirror said Cliff hissed in Gordon Ramsay’s ear. We have consulted our Bible and can find no mention of the F-word therein.

Some things are best left unsaid…

Posted: 11th, June 2006 | In: Broadsheets Comment | TrackBack | Permalink