Tall Stories
EVERY day of every week the Mail thinks up imaginative ways to remind you that life is cruel and you are going to experience pain and die. And if it can’t think any up, it looks at scientific research.
Here is a selection of things that will kill you and yours from last week’s paper of doom…
MONDAY
“Inquiry after CT scans are linked to cancer risk” – Committee on the Medical Aspects of Radiation look deepo into this issue
“One in three adults ‘will be dangerously obese by 2010’” – The other two will be bringing home the biscuits
TUESDAY
“A soggy end to summer. And stand by for flooding in September” – It’s monsoon season
“By train, plane or car, we risk DVT after just 4 hours”
“Eyeball to eyeball with…JAWS UK. This summer giant sharks have been spotted off Britain’s cost. We sent one writer to track them down…with only a flimsy cage for protection” – Jane Fryer stares down foreign invaders
“She asked for a rugged professional man who owned his own home and did not smoke. She got a lorry–driving chain-smoker who lived in a caravan. No wonder Janet is suing the agency for eight…DATING DISASTERS” – Men today. Tsk!
“Rap stars ‘pushing teen fans into sex’” – US study says music can corrupt the yoof. And you thought Elvis was dead…
“Extinct by 2016. Virus carried by grey invaders threatens to wipe out our remaining red squirrels” – The price of immigration
“Chemicals in food ‘can block children’s vaccines’” – And then there’s autism
“MY HAVEN’T WE GROWN! At the age of just 12, Tara is already 6ft. So why ARE your children growing so tall…and what impact will it have on their health” – Well, it’ll take them longer to touch their toes in the doctor’s surgery and…
“ADVANTAGE LLOYD. Agonising stomach spasms plagued by career for 20 years. Now I’ve finally found a cure” – Tennis player John Lloyd gets a new career as a pundit and Daily Mail celebrity sufferer
“Artificial hospital lights can harm premature babies”
“I was too blind to be WPC. Now, thanks to cataract surgery. I’m ready to be a marksman” – Cripes!
“They’re meant to stop ageing and stave off disease. But now experts are asking…Are all those vitamin pills doing you more harm than good?” – Pass the Evening Primrose oil nurse
WEDNESDAY
“The yobs of Cambridge. College records reveals shameful saga of drunken students behaving badly” – Never in my day
“6in of rain ‘could turn London into a New Orleans’” – And all that JAZZ!
THURSDAY
“THE town the Poles took over. Peterborough used to be a quintessential cathedral city. But, as this special report revels, it has now got a very different claim to fame” – There are Poles! Here! In our city! Breathing our air! Working hard! We are under attack. Exterminate! Exterminate! Exterminate!
“Gambling ‘as addictive as crack cocaine’” – Shhh! Fiver says you tell Pete Doherty
“Bleak winter ahead as gas gets dearer and scarcer” – You can always keep warm by burning your Daily Mail
FRIDAY
“Pregnancy alert over aspirin”. Taking painkillers in early pregnancy “may” increase risk of defects – And may not
“Family day out? Try finding fresh fruit in Blackpool” – Soil Association doesn’t do toffee apples
Posted: 28th, August 2006 | In: Tabloids Comment | TrackBack | Permalink
