The Cod Father

PSSSST! Wanna get some pills?

The Mail is full of them. If you shake the paper upside down – taking care to avoid the falling inserts for Tim Henman memorabilia, DVDs of “how to teach Spaniards to speak Spanish like we do” and rosewood incidental tables – the paper rattles.

There’s the morning after pill. The Mail says it “could” be handed out to pupils under the age of consent in all England’s schools.

The Mail says that Tony Blair is leading a “controversial push” to get “better access to contraceptives” for under-18s. Schools are going to “dish out” contraception and “even arrange abortions for teenagers without their parents knowing”.

Yes, teenagers having sex without their parents knowing! How did it ever come to this?

But all is not lost. Because this is not the only pill in the Mail. Earlier in the paper, readers learn of “clever capsules”.

These brain food pills contain a combination of omega-3 fish oils and omega-6 evening primrose oils. They work in the same way as dog biscuits, keeping the young pups alert, bright and keen to obey.

And the wonder pill is already here. All 5,000 year 11 students in Durham County Council’s schools are to be given the magic tablets.

Called Eye Q, these chewable pills are, as the paper says, part of an attempt to improve GCSE grades. Children will each be given six pills a day.

And very soon, Durham will be peopled by 15 and 16 years olds with massive brains. They will then be encouraged to interbreed. This, combined with sterilised teenagers elsewhere, will lead to new master race of super-bright Geordies.

It’s a brave new world. A world shaped by Tony Blair, MP for Sedgefield, County Durham…

Posted: 6th, September 2006 | In: Tabloids Comment | TrackBack | Permalink