To Hell In A Dustcart

EVERY day of every week the Mail thinks up imaginative ways to remind you that life is cruel and you are going to experience pain and die. And if it can’t think any up, it looks at scientific research.

Here is a selection of things that will kill you and yours from last week’s paper of doom…

MONDAY

“We are STILL closing our eyes to terror – and our enemies know it” – Melanie Phillips’ eyes are open wide shut

“MONSOON BRITAIN. Scientists warn the future is cloudburst and floods. So will the gentle drizzle we love to hate give way to tropical downpours?” – So much for drought

“Cosmetics ‘expose women to 175 chemicals in a day’” – So says campaign group Chemical Safe Skincare, which was set up by, er, producers of natural products

TUESDAY

“Yes, we’re all going to hell in a dustcart” – Richard Littlejohn trades in his tried-and-tested handcart

“is your bubble bath safe? bath foam that triggers headaches. Shampoo full of cancer-causing chemicals. And shower gel that attacks your skin. As experts warn of the chemicals in our toiletries, we reveal the health hazards in your bathroom cabinet” – Don’t wash!

“27 – The percentage by which you are more likely to have a heart attack on your birthday” – Many happy returns

“I thought I had toothache – but it was jaw cancer. Now my face has been rebuilt with my hipbone” – More tales from the operating theatre

“Binges make your baby an alcoholic” – HEADLINE OF THE WEEK

“WONDER LOAVES! THEY CLAIM TO CUT HEART DISEASE. BOOST GUT BACTERIA AND EVEN EASE THE MENOPAUSE. But are the new super-loaves really the best thing since sliced bread?” – Are they?

“COULD HRT LEAD TO DEAFNESS?” – Depends how near you sit to the Henmaniacs. Henman! Henman! Henman!

WEDNESDAY

“An invasion of A&E. Hospitals hit by GP out-of-hours ban” – GPS are opting out of weekend and evening work

THURSDAY

“Babies who miss jabs ‘at higher risk of asthma’” – So says team of British and Swiss researchers

“Blood pressure drug could cause 8,000 diabetes cases a year” – Beta-blockers could be dangerous

“Why women are the real losers in divorce. Divorce may not only break a woman’s heart it might also give her heart disease” – Zhenmei Zhan of Bowling State University, Ohio, investigates

“A&E patients ‘put at risk by untested treatments’” – Professor Ian Roberts says car crash victims “run the gauntlet of untested treatments”

“Danger at the nail bar. Health scare over fashion boom driven by Victoria and Coleen” – Infection from dirty equipment, dangerous chemicals

“Once single women were on the shelf at 25. Then it was 35. Now, with divorce and demanding careers, there’s a new Last chance saloon for LOVE” – Help!

FRIDAY

“Fears for elderly as npower lift prices” – Are OAPs fossil fuels?

“NHS ‘rife with ageism’” – Professor John Young, (age on application) says the over 80s gets less care

Posted: 10th, September 2006 | In: Tabloids Comment | TrackBack | Permalink