Load Of Yap

“ON the Sharon Osbourne Show, it’s just me and I’ve got to time everything right down to the last second,” says Sharon Osbourne in the Sun.

And we stop the clock at three minutes and nine seconds. Anyone who has heard Sharon speak will realise that timing is all. Listening to an entire sentence from slow-talking Sharon can take up the larger part of the day.

Happily, Sharon’s slow and ve-ry de-lib-er-ate speaking style – a Pixie-voiced high pitched version of 2001 Space Odyssey’s Hal crossed with Grange Hill’s Janet – appeals to between one and two million daytime TV viewers (the institutionalised, the incapacitated and journalists).

Not all of us mind being spoken to as if being talked down from a bad trip or window ledge.

And then there are the top guests. On today’s show, Sharon will be talking slowly and deliberately to Noddy Holder. Come feel the noise, Sharon will say.

And that is not all. Sharon tells the Sun that she would like to interview Mel Gibson. She wants to give him a “damn good talking to”. An event that should see Mel tied up for some time.

And there’s Tom Cruise. “Tom won’t come on my show because I’d tell him he’s a nutter,” says Sharon. “He’ll do Parky [Michael Parkinson] because he knows he’ll be safe and that Parky will do a proper interview.”

And it is less likely Tom will get bitten on Parky, especially with Rod Hull’s Emu now gone to that sock draw in the sky. older,

As the Mail reports, Sharon’s Pomeranian dog Minnie, the pooing pampered creature that sits on her lap during the show – the dog who drinks Evian and gets its teeth whitened by a Beverly Hills pet dentist – has been attacking the guests.

As reported, Minnie has bitten Dirty Dancing star Patrick Swayze and has nipped David Hasselhoff on the face and hand.

While our interest in the show grows, the Mail says that such antics are costing money. Thanks to Minnie, the show’s producers have had to take out a “massive” insurance premium in case Minnie savages a guest and they sue.

But these TV executives should not worry. By the time Sharon has finished admonishing the guests for scaring her pooch, the wounds will have heeled and anyone who saw the attack will be long dead…

Posted: 14th, September 2006 | In: Tabloids Comment | TrackBack | Permalink