Anorak News | Celebrity Sharking

Celebrity Sharking

by | 16th, September 2006

THE week began on September 11, 2006. There could be only one story. “TARRANT & THE BIMBOS,” announced the Mirror on its front page.

Chris, 59, and married, was said to have got off with a unnamed women in a Surrey bar. After the alleged kiss, Chris was reported to have yelled: “This is the woman I want to be the next Mrs Tarrant!”

Chris had been in the R Bar is Esher, Surrey, known locally as “Divorce Central”. And Chris’s wife Ingrid knew it well: “I’ve been there when completely drunk women throw themselves at him. They lift their skirts up and have no knickers on. It’s disgusting.”

Some of you will think it foolish of Ingrid to allow her husband to return to a bar packed with Surrey’s finest slappers. But she had nothing to fear – Ingrid and Chris’s relationship was as solid as the bull-bars on an Esher woman’s pristine 4×4, if not her knickers?

In any case, Ingrid knew there was CCTV footage of the event, which exonerated her husband.

Just as there was footage of another incident – the death of Steve Irwin. As the Star’s front-page headline said: “CROC HUNTER DEATH FILM ON WEB.”

Branded an “EXCLUSIVE”, the paper said that thousands of sickos and weirdos – and some intrepid hacks in the pursuit of a chilling story – had been scouring the web for footage of Steve’s last moments.

But then we read that this was not the real footage. The Star’s shock-horror story was based on spoof videos of Steve swimming with a stingray.

There was a film of puppets re-enacting Steve’s last moments. The sick and twisted movie was backed by the theme tune to the 1960s TV show Stingray.

Another video turned out to be a game in which Steve’s widow Terri was given the opportunity to shoot murderous stingrays.

This was no joke. The web is a sink of vice and perversion. And it cannot be long until surfers get a peek at Lindsay Lohan’s “full details”.

On Wednesday, for reasons of decency, the Sun covered up the bared area in its up-skirt shot of Lindsay (in London to promote her work and much else), exiting a car in a manner unbefitting a young lady.

Lindsay grinned. But she might not be smiling so broadly were she to ever appear on The Sharon Osbourne Show. That’s the daytime telly programme fronted by – you’ve guessed it – Sha-ron Os-bourne.

As the Mail reported, Sharon’s Pomeranian dog Minnie, the pooing pampered creature that sits on her lap during the show – the dog that drinks Evian and gets its teeth whitened by a Beverly Hills pet dentist – had been attacking the guests.

Minnie had bitten Dirty Dancing star Patrick Swayze and nipped David Hasselhoff on the face and hand.

Luckily, Sharon’s show rarely if ever concerns itself with showbiz’s elite. And it is as unlikely Sharon will be featuring someone from the A list. Someone like George Clooney.

And on Friday, we learned that George Clooney had entered the world of politics – and not local politics, like Clint Eastwood, but world politics.

If Ronald Reagan could do it, why not Clooney? And Reagan had once been out-acted by a monkey. Clooney was a TV doctor. We trust doctors.

Clooney (isn’t he dreamy) said Darfur would become the scene of the "first genocide of the 21st century" if (deep brown eyes) peacekeepers were not sent to Sudan by the end of the month.

George wanted action. And with his presence, Darfur was certainly in the news again.

But it might not be enough. George might need to do more – like have a baby in the country, and do for Sudan what Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt have done for Namibia?

We wish him the best luck with it. And if he wins the day, why not stop there? Why not go all the way to the White House.

President George Clooney ER (Elected Representative). Yes, it sounds pretty good. And with George in the top job, the world could have an American President to truly admire.

Posted: 16th, September 2006 | In: Broadsheets Comment | TrackBack | Permalink