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House Plants

by | 26th, September 2006

IS it clemaytis or clematis?

It’s the kind of thorny debate the Mail think nothing of addressing. And it very probably lies at the heart of the paper’s story on how a “rampant clematis proves the final straw” in a dispute between Brenda Hart (clematis owner) and her neighbour Nicholas Turner.

Turner’s friend Clive Senior was filmed by Mrs Hart breaking off a part of said clematis and taken to court. Senior was found guilty of criminal damage and given a £100 fine with a 12-month conditional discharge.

This is the news. But it lacks the vital element – is it clemaytis and clematis? Sadly, the magistrate’s summing up is not available via a podcast and Mail readers are left in the dark.

And surely there will be more rows like the one between Mrs Hart, 55 – she is alleged to have responded to 22-year-old Mr Turner’s complaint about her clematis with the phrase: “It’s my ******g garden and I’ll have whatever I want.”

If Mrs Hart wants to carve her clematis into the form of an aroused mule or a huge “V” sign, she can. Topiary is all the rage. And the Mail has responded to popular demand and given over two pages to hedge cutting.

“Coo!” says the caption alongside a shot of Alan Webb’s six-feet tall dove bush. “Tally ho!” to David Edwards’s life-size horse in a hunting scene tableau. “Oh dear” it’s Colin Hayward’s deer-shaped pyracantha.

But if that’s not your thing, you can always take your garden indoors. In a day for green-fingered news, the Mail introduces its readers to the “Suburban pot farm”.

And “how to tell if one opens in your street.” Look out for South-East Asian crime syndicates operating in the cul-de-sac.

Is a neighbour’s house making your close smell of potpourri? Is you neighbour looking flush with cash – “a domestic factory can produce £500,000 of drugs a year but cost as little as £20,000 to set up.”

If the answer to those questions is “no” then this is your chance to cash in. And the Mail helpfully produces five key points in how to set up your own cash crop.

Advice centres on how to obtain “free” electricity, keeping the place hot and stopping intruders from peeking in (the Mail advocates the use of “curtains”).

Now all that remains is for you to sit back and enjoy the fruits of your toil. And debate into the small hours whether its clemaytis or clematis…

Posted: 26th, September 2006 | In: Tabloids Comment | TrackBack | Permalink