Anorak News | New Ways To Die

New Ways To Die

by | 9th, October 2006

EVERY day of every week the Mail thinks up imaginative ways to remind you that life is cruel and you are going to experience pain and die. And if it can’t think any up, it looks at scientific research.

Here is a selection of things that will kill you and yours from last week’s paper of doom…


“Millions must wait months for flu jabs” – Well, on the bright side, winter will be over by the time the doctor sees you

“The superbug that killed 49 hospital patients in nine months” – Clostridium Difficile is out to get us

“BRITAIN’S 500,000 ILLEGAL WORKERS” –And not one of them works for the Mail or any of its employees. Fact!

“Arthritis linked to growing old fast”


“Why half of our primary pupils can’t talk properly” – It’s the “death of conversation”

“Wrong hip replaced, wrong leg amputated and patient given the wrong set of lungs” – Blunders are up by 50 per cent in the past three years

“Hands frozen like claws, an enormous facial wart and a blood disorder that threatened to kill her and her twins. TV presenter Alice Beer on her…Nine months of sheer hell” – TV presenter has twins


“Why is the Church so hell-bent on self-destruction?” – A.N.Wilson sees demons

“Killed by the cruise bug” – Grandmother dies aboard ship

“New Euro-migrants will be here before January” – The Rogarians are coming!

“NHS snub for the osteoporosis victims under 75. Women at risk of osteoporosis will have to wait until they break a bone or reach 75 to get preventative drug treatment on the health service”


“Taken ill over a holiday weekend, this mother called eight out-of-hours GPs. All failed to diagnose she was dying” – Woman gets through to NHS Direct

“My fertility nightmare – and what it’s like to be Mrs F***ing Ramsay” – Tana F***ing Ramsay tells us about her f***ing health problems as if we f***ing care

“Swimming pools’ can raise hay fever risk in children’” – So says Dr Yvonne Kohlhammer from the National Research Centre for Environment and Health in Neuherberg

“Mothers unaware of deadly infection” – Nine out ten mothers have never heard of Group B Streptococcus which kills at least 75 newborn babies each year

“Our prisons are now full” – Let the revolution begin!

“GLADIATOR TV. Feckless parents, exhibitionists, families at war: why today’s confessional TV is as cynical – and brutal – as the Roman arena” – Chuck the lot of ‘em in the arena and let the lions sort ‘em out


“Obesity could be the biggest threat to female fertility” – So suggests Professor Adam Balen of Leeds Reproductive Medicine unit, who says 50 per cent of women at fertility clinics are overweight

Posted: 9th, October 2006 | In: Tabloids Comment | TrackBack | Permalink