Anorak News | Oranges For Lemons

Oranges For Lemons

by | 11th, October 2006

“THEY’RE TAKING THE PITH,” screams the Star’s front page. The Government has gone bananas”. It’s “Nanny State madness”. The Government wants “fatties” to eat “scary food…such as peppers and berries.”

And melons, two of which are held by a fruity mod-el. Funnily enough, this blonde is called Malene, which sounds a bit like what would happen if your crossed a pair of melons with a tangerine.

Malene is upset at the Government’s nannying, and shows us that when it comes to eating fruit, she can teach us all we need to know.

Here’s Malene dressed in a bikini to peel and eat a banana. Now she’s squeezing an orange into her mouth. Careful the juice doesn’t spill down your chest, Malene. Not that it will stain her clothes.

And when it comes to eating grapes, Malene is joined by the able-bodied Claire, who gets in very close to pick up any tips, and perhaps the occasional stray pips.

Over the in the Mail, there is no such sage advice. But in a piece telling us that we are the fattest country in Europe, the Mail introduces its own fruity babe, one Caroline Flint.

There’s no picture of Caroline, the minister for fitness (?), but it’s not too hard to imagine her dressed in a bikini to tell us: “People can’t afford to take a risk with food they’ve never seen before in case their children won’t eat it when they get home.”

So she’s teamed up with supermarkets to teach the fat, stupid and docile Britons that a kiwi fruit is not an object of fear but a fruit you can eat.

Caroline goes on: “If they can be shown how to prepare it in the supermarket, and their children like it, then they know it won’t be money down the drain.”

So to go with the weekly trawl around the supermarket, the obese will be invited to pop over to see a Government–sponsored fruit carve open a “lemon” or even a “gooseberry”.

The great unwashed will then more fully understand what is meant by a “pear-shaped figure”, “orange-peel thighs” and how to not give a flying “fig” about any of it…

Posted: 11th, October 2006 | In: Tabloids Comment | TrackBack | Permalink