Anorak

Anorak News | Heather’s Sprung

Heather’s Sprung

by | 25th, October 2006

WHEN it comes to the divorce of Paul McCartney and Heather Mills, everyone has something to say.

Here’s Victor Spinetti, billed in the Mail as a veteran actor, who appeared in The Beatles’ films Help! and A Hard Day’s Night.

“Spinetti joins the McCartney row,” says the headline. And here is the Welsh actor (available for pantomime and voiceovers), the man McCartney says “makes the clouds disappear”, telling all.

“I’ve written to him to say I’m sorry about the break-up and if wants a song or a dance or a cloud to disappear, I’ll come along,” says Spinetti, doubtless adding a soft-shoe shuffle and tipped hat to stage front.

Spinetti – that’s S.P.I.N.E.T.T.I – knows that a friend in need is a friend to support via the pages of the national press.

It is clear that Sir Paul will not be alone when he faces Heather across the courtroom. With the weather-changing Spinetti at his side, things should turn out just fine.

And that is not all. While the Mirror asks “WHO’S THE PHANTOM FAXER”, wondering about the “mystery brunette” who sent “Macca slurs” from a fax machine a few minute’s walk from Heather’s lawyers’ officers, the Sun gets the scoop.

“Kate blasts Mucca,” says the front-page headline. Yes, it’s Kate Moss. Kate has scoffed at one-legged Heather’s reported claim that Paul refused her access to an antique bedpan thus forcing her to crawl to the toilet at night.

As a source tells the paper: “Kate has seen her jumping like a gazelle and will swear to it.”

Might it be that Heather’s leg is fashioned in the shape of the springy haunches of a Thompson’s gazelle, or else is a skinned poweriser velocity stilt, a device that enables Heather to jump in a way not seen since the heady days of punk rock?

Whatever the fabric of the leg, Kate says Heather’s a liar, or a “BLOODY LIAR”, as the Sun’s headline puts it. The source tells us that Kate says Heather is “extremely athletic” and is “not the sort of person to crawl anywhere.”

And that’s all well and good, because Heather has vowed to sue the Sun and others for what her legal advisors call “false, damaging, and immensely upsetting statements”.

So the Sun lists the apparent bedpan lie and six other untruths.

And it invites Heather to tick the correct boxes in a grid that asks: “COME ON HEATHER, WHAT EXACTLY DID WE GET WRONG? IS IT THAT YOU’RE A…HOOKER, LIAR, PORN STAR, FANTASIST, TROUBLE MAKER, SHOPLIFTER.”

Answers in tomorrow’s paper…



Posted: 25th, October 2006 | In: Tabloids Comment | TrackBack | Permalink