Hasselhoff’s Turd

FORGET Paul McCartney versus Heather Mills. If you want to see a marriage really implode, you have to travel back to the time of Henry VIII, or to modern day America.

In what it claims as an exclusive, the Sun takes a look at the divorce of David Hasselhoff and Pamela Bach.

The case against The Hoff can be summed up in the Sun’s teaser: “Star ‘beat wife, gave her herpes and peed his pants.”

We have no shots of this alleged wife beating and herpes, but the Sun does reproduce that picture from last July of Hasselhoff waiting for a flight with a noticeable wet path on the crotch of his jeans.

At the time we believed this wetness had been caused by The Hoff pulling his jeans over his wet swimming trucks. We even advised that in future Hasselhoff may care to wear his trunks on the outside of his trousers in a manner more befitting his status. But now we open our minds to a new interpretation.

And here is Bach to tell all. “He often hit me, pushed me around and threw things at me in a drunken rage,” claims the estranged wife in court papers.

She claims Hoff has “abused alcohol and drugs for over 16 years”. And: “He frequently loses control of his bladder and bowels, urinating and defecating himself.”

(We cannot comment on the validity of this claim, only say that it is on record. And note that as a life saver of no little repute, The Hoff is likely to be au fait with the need to help rescue boats and helicopters locate a lifesaver. With no buoy to hand a floating turd is an approved Californian lifesaving technique.)

And there is more. Bach claims The Hoff “physically abused” the couple’s three children. “He has slapped the girls on their a***s while intoxicated and on several occasions laid naked with them on their bed.”

Er… “He has screamed at Hayley. He called Hayley a c***, slut, bitch and a whore.”

Now over to The Hoff, who says he no longer has a drink problem. And, in any case, it’s his wife who’s the bad parent.

He recalls daughter Taylor Ann’s birthday and how Bach was “either intoxicated or on drugs”. The Star sums up The Hoff’s view of Bach in the headline: “Hoff: My wife is a coked up, boozed up, bunny boiler!”

Bach denies this. She says it just “confirms more and more how really sick he is”.

Meanwhile, over in the UK, Heather Mills searches for a bedpan…

Posted: 27th, October 2006 | In: Tabloids Comment (1) | TrackBack | Permalink