Anorak News | Beam Me Up, Tommy

Beam Me Up, Tommy

by | 20th, November 2006

Tom Cruise comes down to Earth

TOM Cruise is walking in the air as he poses for the official wedding photograph.

Tom and Katie Holmes, the blushing bride, are, as the Express says, “taking their love to new heights”.

Standing before a scene reminiscent of the Creation, the backdrop lit by the glowing afterburners on a space craft, Tom and Katie stand cheek-to-cheek.

In normal circumstances, the couple stand cheek-to-neck, what with Tom being two inches shorter than his 5ft 9in tall bride. But with the wedding in full swing, Tom is raised up.

The Express says many “experts” will be “baffled” by the picture. And experts at the Mail lead with the photograph and says: “How Tom grew into his role as the groom.”

For purposes of comparison, the Mail produces a picture of a pre-wedding Tom walking with his wife. Readers with a keen eye and monocle can clearly see Katie and realise that the small thing to her right is Tom.

Now back to the official photo of the newlyweds, and speculation as to how Tom managed to grow, or Katie to shrink.

Such is the volume of her lace and silk meringue that Katie could indeed be kneeling behind the petticoats.

Another explanation might be that Tom and Katie have merely placed their heads through a hole in the explosive backdrop, their clothes painted onto boards. There may well be another photo of Tom wearing the white dress and Katie clad in a navy single-breasted Armani tuxedo.

And what of the photographs of the actual wedding. As the Sun says, this was just “Cruise’s wedding STUNT”. This vision before us is no more real than Tom and Katie’s matching heights. The Sun says the couple married last week. This one was for the cameras.

It’s “TOM’S £1M SHAM”, announces the Star’s front page. It’s a “FRAUD”. Tom’s agent Arnold Robinson says Tom and Katie had “officialised” their marriage in Los Angeles last week.

The do at Odescalch Castle in Bracciano, near Rome, was for show. The 150 invited guests may not have realised what they were watching was less than genuine.

They looked on as Tom and Katie exchanged white golf rings. “There was drumming like at an Italian festival,” says an onlooker, “and flag bearers in medieval costume”. Then the clapping began. It went on. Everyone was clapping. And with the intoxicating rhythms pumping in their ears, Tom and Katie kissed. So long did they kiss for that “guests yelled at them to stop”, says the Sun.

Andrea Bocelli sang, and, as the Sun says, refused to sing Ave Maria because it was not a Catholic service. The bells rang out as Catholic priest Nicola Fiorentini vented his anger. “A pope once stayed at the castle, now we have this,” he says. “It’s shameful and an offence.”

And Bracciano’s mayor Patrizia Riccioni is said to be considering rescinding the honorary citizenship she gave Tom and Katie before their wedding.

Which might just being Tom back down to Earth with a bump…

Posted: 20th, November 2006 | In: Tabloids Comment | TrackBack | Permalink