It’s Us Or The Birds

EVERY day of every week the Mail thinks up imaginative ways to remind you that life is cruel and you are going to experience pain and die. And if it can’t think any up, it looks at scientific research.

Here is a selection of things that will kill you and yours from last week’s paper of doom…

MONDAY

Rain and 60mph gales will blow away the mild autumn

“Student, 17, died from brain tumour after junior doctor said she had a virus”

TUESDAY

“How Bulgarians can stroll into a British job” – What? Like Prime Minister or somefink?

“Al Qaeda ‘could be plotting a chemical attack in Britain’” – It could

“Why bother, Ma’am? Tomorrow the Queen opens Parliament. But with such gutless and gormless MPs – why are anyway denuded of their powers – the Mail’s sketchwriter asks: What’s the point of the House of Commons?” – Well, it’s warm and it is dry, and the tourists like it

Thee Numbers:
“140,000 – the number of people who attempt suicide each year”

“As nurses take over from GPs at new high-tech health centres, some doctors argue that patients are being put at risk…WARNING: NURSES AT WORK”

“I thought only women got osteoporosis – until my back imploded on the dance floor” – Robert Reese tells all

WEDNESDAY

“Thieves, vandals and hoax callers to be let off if they say Sorry” – Although they might be lying

“Birds could take flight for good” – Global warming could do for birdkind – and bird flu. Hurrah!

“Disturbing research shows that soon almost half of us will live alone. Here, a leading agony aunt – drawing on her own painful experience – says this denial of basic human nature will cost society dear…LONELY BRITIAN” – You’re always alone with the Mail

THURSDAY

“She married an ex-alcoholic and cocaine addict in the hope she could change him. Now he’s back in rehab. So… WHO IS NICOLE KIDDING” – Nicole Kidman. Tsk! What a loser

“The British are dreadful cooks. Best-seller cookbooks. Celebrity chefs. Our food has never been better. Tosh, says one man…” Digby Anderson has a nasty taste in his mouth

FRIDAY

“THE PROZAC GENERATION” – According to survey by Norwich Union Healthcare, middle-class parents are asking their GPS to give their pressurised nippers the happy drug. Dear-oh-dear. Why can’t they just borrow mum and dad’s?

“With so much gloom, how I was cheered by the long-suffering, good-humoured, common-sense voice of the England I love” – Miserabilist Tom Utley salutes Richard Fitzmaurice, the old soldier who refused to pay his council tax and went to jail.

“How Labour’s cynical targets put lives at risk, by top doctors” – So says consultant general surgeon David Flook

Posted: 20th, November 2006 | In: Tabloids Comment | TrackBack | Permalink