The Big C(hristmas)
EVERY day of every week the Mail thinks up imaginative ways to remind you that life is cruel and you are going to experience pain and die. And if it can’t think any up, it looks at the latest scientific research.
Here is a selection of things that will kill you and yours from last week’s paper of doom…
MONDAY
“Today’s date with danger” – November 27th is the unluckiest day of the year. Unluckier than all the other unlucky days
“Teacher’s cant punctuate”
“Tobacco ‘pushes teens into other addictions’” – US researchers at University of Maryland say smokers “are “priming their brains” for future dug use
“Is this your café culture, Tessa? A year after Labour gave us 24-hour drinking, the lurching, swearing, brawling results on our streets over the weekend” – Photographing young drunks for a reader’s pleasure
TUESDAY
“Shops face bleak Christmas” – Not with all those bright fairy lights, surely…
“Do you have the hidden baby killer? Few know it but one in three mothers-to-be caries a bug which could leave their baby brain damaged – or even kill them. A £10 test, offered widely abroad, could prevent such misery” – StrepB walks among us
“Whiter than white. Millions use them in the quest for the perfect smile, but dentists warn DIY tooth whiteners can do more harm than good. We put them to the test” – Yellow teeth are so much more British, dontyerthink
“Sentenced to death by NICE. It’s the body that decides which drugs are allowed in the NHS, but in this blistering attack , a leading GP argues the organisation set up to improve care is obsessed by costs, discriminates against the elderly – and ultimately is killing patients” – Not to NICE, then
WEDNESDAY
“BAH HUMBUG” – Christmas parties can be bad for your health
“Fantasy-game junkies. The children who ‘show a drug-like addiction to computer role playing” – It’s the `1970s Spaced-out Invaders all over again
“Teenage sunbed users face 75pc higher risk of cancer”
“As police chiefs call for the age of consent to be lowered, one mother tells the haunting story of how her 14-year-old daughter was seduced into living with a man of 45 – and the police told her their was NOTHING she could do…”
“How global warming ‘may wipe out 9pc of mankind’” – Why not 10pc? We demand to know?
“The women who’ll be in debt for ever. It’s a tale of middle-class Britain… Mortgages up to five times their salary. Bankruptcy an ever-present threat. Meet the women who may NEVER clear their debts” – Perhaps they hope to be wiped out early?
THURSDAY
“Feeding child obesity” – Soil Association study finds that some “family restaurants” serve fat, fat and more fat
“Violent anti-social behaviour. Terrifying withdrawal symptoms. Forced into rehab by desperate parents. No, not a junkie, but one of a terrifying new breed of teen addicts whose lives are being literally destroyed by computer games” – Pass the Chardonnay, Camilla, this is too awful to read about sober
“CAN’T COOK” (But I wish I could). It’s one of life’s great mysteries. Why, with so many fashionable cook books, are so few people able to cook?” – Too fat to get close enough to the oven?
FRIDAY
“Like most people, I love a good health scare. But nothing will stop me eating bacon sarnies…” – Tom Utley talks about his packed lunch
“Yes, it’s time to think about moving to the stars” – We are all going to die
“Parenting by shift ‘is harming children’” – Constitutional Affairs Minister Harriet Harman says mum working when dad is at home and vice versa is a bad thing. Better they are both unemployed, or get a nanny
Posted: 3rd, December 2006 | In: Tabloids Comment | TrackBack | Permalink
