Highs & J-Lo

JENNIER Lopez’s backside sees all.

Jennifer Lopez’s backside knows all. Jennifer Lopez’s backside is all. Jennifer Lopez’s backside is the barometer of the times in which we live.

Look on, dear reader, as it grows, ebbing and flowing with life’s vicissitudes. “You’ve never had it do good, America,” says Jennifer’s backside as the surplus bulges over the top of her jeans.

“Lean times ahead,” says Jennifer Lopez’s backside at it retreats back inside her trousers, a shadow of its former self.

Now the backside is growing. “WHAT A WHOPPER,” says the Enquirer’s front page.

And things are getting even bigger. “WHY J.Lo’s BUTT IS EVEN BIGGER,” says the Enquirer.

And we wonder why? Is Jennifer’s backside responding to breaking news that America is winning the war in Iraq? Is Jennifer’s arse a sure sign that the property market is doing better than thought? Are Jennifer’s trousers overloading with the bounty of life in symbiotic reaction to the news that Christmas is coming and the goose is getting fat?

Of is it because Jennifer Lopez is…pregnant? “Is J.Lo PREGNANT” asks the Enquirer. And we ask: When did the J-Lo hyphen become the J.Lo dot. And is it too a sign that she is pregnant?

There is much to learn. And, in truth, there is much tell as the Enquirer says Jennifer has been dressing like a mum.

See J-Lo wearing a misshapen dress that hangs from her neck in the manner of a small, clingy child. Is there something to hide beneath so much red fabric? Is she with child?

The Enquire says that J.Lo is undergoing a course of IVF, the process by which eggs are harvested and fertilised with husband No.3’s sperm.

Marc Anthony, the current husband, watches Jennifer dancing in one of her more provocative music videos and duly donates the necessary tube of sperm. The impregnated egg is reinserted into J-Lo. And maybe – just maybe – the egg attaches itself to the uterine wall and Jennifer becomes pregnant.

So is this what is going on beneath Jennifer’s dress, a fabric screen to hide medical miracles?

We don’t know. We can only say that Jennifer’s backside is growing. And that can only be good for her and for the people of America…

Posted: 20th, December 2006 | In: Reviews Comment | TrackBack | Permalink