Anorak News | Smells Like Christmas

Smells Like Christmas

by | 23rd, December 2006

Following Britney Spears’ star… 

MONDAY and Victoria Beckham “opens with the pure fresh notes of bergamot and rose petals”.

In the face of much evidence to the contrary, Her Poshness can hit top notes, middle notes and low notes of “sensual orange blossom" leading to "a seductive base of voluptuous vanilla, rich sandalwood and an elegant layer of musk”. Can the same be said of Emma Bunton or Pavarotti?

If only Victoria sang as she smelled, she would be a cornucopia of musical nourishment, her range extending beyond the shelves of chemists and department stores – where her perfume Intimately Her is on sale – and wafting on a gossamer web of sensual delights to the Royal Opera House.

But she does not. And her star is one the wane. Victoria’s scent had slipped to Number 2 in the high street perfume charts, being pipped to the top spot by Kylie Minogue’s Darling fragrance.

Kylie’s is the smell of Christmas cheer.

All we need now are musical notes. With Mr Blobby dieting, Slade missing presumed old and Cliff Richard stranded atop a tree, the tunes belong to Jordan. And she does not want to sing alone. Forget pop acorn Peter Andre, her usual sidekick, and think even bigger.

On Tuesday, the Sun said that Jordan wanted to sing a song with Barry Manilow.

For all we know, Jordan may also like to look like Barry Manilow, have breasts the size and texture of Barry Manilow, to be Barry Manilow. In her many passionate embraces with her husband, Jordan may even dream of being in a clinch with Barry Manilow, of having Barry Manilow’s children, of creating Barry Manilow magic.

For now though, Jordan wants to sing with Manilow. “He’s not agreed yet but I’m hopeful,” said she. “Everyone gives into Pricey eventually.”

Submit. Resistance is futile. We are as helpless before the relentlessly thrusting presence of Jordan as a bishop at a Christmas drinks soiree. To go with the smell and the music, we introduce the Christmas spirits.

Wednesday, and the Bishop of Southwark was in conversation with BBC Radio 4 presenter John Humphreys.

As reported on Anorak, the Bishop, the Right Reverend Tom Butler, left a drinks do at the Irish embassy, London, and staggered into the back of a Mercedes car. He began chucking toys from it. It is then “claimed” he left the car – a vehicle belonging to persons unknown to him – and fell to the pavement.

So was he drunk? And did that nasty bruise on his head result from a fall related to the spirits moving within him? Was he bished? Or was he, as he suggested, mugged?

Bishop: “Look, I’ve been going to receptions for 20 years as a Bishop. It would be entirely out of character if I was drunk. The police tracked my movements home using my Oyster card records. I got the Tube to London Bridge and then with head wounds I caught the Northern Line to Tooting Bec. I got on a bus and got off at home in Streatham. I defy anyone who has had too much to drink to make that journey.”

That is a challenge many will surely grasp this season of good cheer. Some may fall by the wayside, some will fall asleep, but perhaps one may make it. And that is the important thing.

The other important thing at Christmas is to look not back but ahead. Look to a better you and pastures fresh. So on Thursday, we saw Britney Spears heading into a tattoo parlour.

With husband Kevin Federline gone the way of her schoolgirl complexion, Britney wanted to mark the new chapter in her life. So he was having a tattoo inked onto her person.

And this was not the first time Britney had been drawn on. As the Mirror noted, Britney has a “sexy” six-inch fairy tattoo on her bottom and a set of dice. All very tastefully done, of course.

Other artworks include a daisy tattoo on her right toe, a butterfly on her left foot and a Chinese symbol on her belly.

And this new tattoo? A set of angel wings on her back? A likeness of Colonel Sanders, purveyor of fried chicken, on her lips? The legend “I used to be Britney Spears” writ in day-glo pink on her forehead?

No. This tattoo is a star the size of a money spider on the joint betwixt right thump and index finger.

It is a star of wonder. It is star to light the way ahead. It is a star almost holy in its bearing. And may it guide not just Britney but each of to new, rosy fingered tomorrow.


Merry Christmas, Chanukamas, Chanukah, Xmas, Holidays, December, etc…

Posted: 23rd, December 2006 | In: Broadsheets Comment | TrackBack | Permalink