Anorak News | In Heaven With Ulrika Jonsson

In Heaven With Ulrika Jonsson

by | 19th, April 2007

1.jpg“ULRIKA Jonsson is convinced she has died and gone to heaven.”

We would hold a mirror up to Ulrika’s mouth or pinch her to check for signs of life but Hello! is happy to take her at her word.

Heaven for the newly deceased Ulrika is a hammock on a private beach in the “exclusive” Pangkor Laut Report, off the west cost of Malaysia.

We have little idea as to how Ulrika negotiated her way into Heaven, only that she is there. And that there is every possibility that short of stuffing a camel head first through the eye of a needle, money changed hands.

Life With Brian 

Ulrika, who has, possibly, spent longer staring at ceilings than Michaelangelo, looks to the Heavens. At Ulrika’s side is not St Peter but the cherubic face of Brian Monet, a 38-year-old American advertising art director.

Brian has sold his home, given up his job in Sweden and come to live with Ulrika, whose divorce from Lance Gerrard-Wright only came through last May.

“One and a half years has passed since our break-up,” says Ulrika. “And I certainly had time to mourn my relationship with Lance, as it was over before it became official.”

But the mourning can only go on for so long. The relationship is dead.

“I went thought a terrible depression following my separation from Lance and I found it hard to go on,” says Ulrika?

“The prospect of coping on my own with three young children was soul destroying,” says she, momentarily overlooking to the children’s fathers, John Turnbull (Cameron’s father), Markus Kempen (father to Bo) and Gerrard-Wright (Mathar Sky Hope’s pater). Although none of the three are with Ulrika in Heaven. All are alive.

But things got better. “Since then I have reconnected with the children and I have a lot more patience,” says she.

Lance The Boil

Did she have patience with Lance? “I wasn’t bored,” says Ulrika, not that Hello!” suggests she was, “and I was committed throughout my marriage to Lance. I never felt tempted by anyone else.”

So what went wrong in those not-at-all-dull, faithful months? “But I won’t stay in a relationship if it is making me unwell,” says Ulrika. “If there is any imbalance or unhappiness in a relationship, I don’t think anyone gains.”

And then she met Brian. He had never heard of Ulrika when they met. He hadn’t read her book. He probably hasn’t seen her meet Lance Gerrard Wright on the dating show Mr Right.

And now he and Ulrika are in an “organic and relaxed relationship”

This is Heaven. But there is trouble in paradise. “I’m not happy with my breasts,” says Ulrika. “I don’t want bigger breasts,” says she, “I just want them to sit in the right place.”

By her right hand, or at her feet…

Posted: 19th, April 2007 | In: Reviews Comment | TrackBack | Permalink