Anorak News | Lesley Brain Leads The Lapdancers On Big Brother’s Crystal Maze

Lesley Brain Leads The Lapdancers On Big Brother’s Crystal Maze

by | 13th, June 2007

edtudorpole.jpgMYSTERY thy name is Big Brother walker Lesley Brain.

In “BIG BRUV BABES ARE CHEAP STRIPPERS,” Lesley tells the world what she thinks of her ex-housemates.

In the first of Lesley’s talks to ladies who tea, Brown Owl tells us: “Those girls just want to be famous but the best they’ll get after this is 50-quid –down-your-knickers lapdancers.”

“Fifty quid!” chime the girls in unison! “We’ll have some of that.” With knobs on.

But as Charley, who has operated as a lapdancer, shakes the change, bottle tops and tokens from her Stringfellow-issue hotpants, Lesley pauses in her address.

Lesley doesn’t say where such riches are to be had. The Nifty Fifty club may be as elusive as a Spearmint Rhino, the Cherry Dodo or the Victoria Sponge that never sags. It is out there. But Lesley will not say where.

Or cannot. Lesley looks not a lot unlike Edward Tudor-Pole, the jobbing actor who once presented the TV show Crystal Maze. In Lesley’s maze, the girls must go on a mission to find this lapdancing Nirvana.

The journey will be hard and it will be long. At the end Lesley will very probably give the victors a badge they can stitch onto their lapdancing uniforms.

But they will survive. With Tracey’s human beat-box keeping the gang in time, Laura’s kebabs and Greenham veteran Carole explaining how to purify water with a web of hair collected from the bottom of the sleeping bag, success will be achieved.

Right now Lesley is surely printing off sponsorship forms. So some your girls at the WI, give, give, give until it hurts. And if you can remove the staples from Lesley’s forms before stuffing it into the girls’ knickers, so much the better…

Posted: 13th, June 2007 | In: Celebrities Comment (1) | TrackBack | Permalink