Anorak News | Gays Make God Angry Make Global Warming Make Boats

Gays Make God Angry Make Global Warming Make Boats

by | 2nd, July 2007

noahdovereturns.jpgWHAT’LL it be: drought or downpour? Would you like to drown or spend your last moments in the grip of renal failure licking the morning dew off sand dunes?

You have only yourself to blame. Well, if you’re gay you do. The rest of us can blame you.

As the Express reports, the weather is God’s judgement on “the moral decay within modern society”.

The Bishop of Carlisle, the Rt Rev Graham Dow, says the bad weather is God’s reaction to the Civil Partnership Act. The word “Civil” suggests that God is not invited to the marriage of same sex couples. The vow runs: “I declare that I know of no legal reason why we may not register as each other’s civil partner. I understand that on signing this document we will be forming a civil partnership with each other.”

The omnipotent on is either masquerading as the superintendent registrar of the district or sat at the back of the town hall marriage suite.

“We are reaping the consequences of our moral degradation, as well as environmental damage,” says Dow. Same sex marriages are on a par with burning fossil fuels and chopping down rain forests. Every time a cow breaks wind, releasing methane to the heavens, the divine one is affronted.

And Dow is not alone. The Right Reverend James Jones, Bishop of Liverpool, says: “God is exposing us to the truth of what we have done.”

This it not the first time the Church of England has spoken on such matters. Last year the Church of England’s Archbishop of Canterbury, Rowan Williams, said that George Bush’s supposed refusal to cut greenhouse emissions was not compatible with Christianity.

“We very often come across situations where people are judged for not responding to warnings,” the archbishop said. “I think what the Bible and the Christian tradition suggest is that those who have that challenge put before them, and not only that challenge but the evidence of it, and don’t respond bear a very heavy responsibility before God.”

Bush would build an ark if it didn’t mean chopping down so many trees. Perhaps he can make his boat from all the wooden pews that sit empty in Churches?

Stone Me

But it is not all bad news. As the Mail reports, when we shag ourselves back to the Stone Age, the diabetics will be fine. It is they that shall inherit the Earth.

It seems that the Stone Age diet, rich in nuts, vegetables, fish, and lean meat – is even better than the Mediterranean diet. Although it might not be better then the Mediterranean Stone Age diet, which is the apogee of good eating.

Of course, the trouble with prehistoric diets is that we can’t be certain the locals survived all that well on it. Scientists from Lund university, Sweden, were not there to record the data.

But now we are here. And we have the Bible, the Lancet and more nuts than you can shake a divining rod at…

Posted: 2nd, July 2007 | In: Tabloids Comments (7) | TrackBack | Permalink