Anorak News | UK Towns Designed For Drunks

UK Towns Designed For Drunks

by | 25th, July 2008

“DRUNKS become irritants because they slow people’s progress towards their goal,” says study leader Simon Moore, from the University of Cardiff, who presented the findings at the International Crime Science Conference in London. “They may then become targets of violence.”

Moore and his team of researchers attempted to learn more about drunken behaviour by making 24 visits to the city centre between 11pm and 3am on Friday and Saturday nights, breathalysing people and monitoring their gait.

The aim:

They hope to come up with street designs that direct late-night revellers safely home to their beds instead of into the path of trouble.

Anorak imagines giving drunks roller skates to get home faster, safer and fitter have been ruled out.

We have not been privy to the finding, but imagine the new town to feature:

  • Wide gutters for easier aiming of bodily fluids
  • Softer pavements made from fire-retardant sponge
  • Circular Streets to help the drunk walk it off and remain in the Drunk Zone
  • Old cardboard boxes with “Taxi” written on the side into which drunks can crawl and with the command “home, James” sit in comfort while a damp-palmed man feels their pockets for cash
  • Lots more lamp posts to hold on to
  • Students to act as “bumpers” against which drunks can stumble (wait out for those clipboards. Ouch!). Student should be equipped with scores, so giving the drunk the thrill of human pinball as they meander home
  • Beds in pubs

For more research, meet the Anroak at the Asbo And Rizla this afternoon…

Posted: 25th, July 2008 | In: Strange But True Comments (7) | TrackBack | Permalink