Anorak News | Kerry Katona Opens Her Sack

Kerry Katona Opens Her Sack

by | 10th, December 2008

“ONLY me,” screeches Kerry Katona from the cover of OK!. It’s top news for those tens of Katatonics already missing her weekly column.

Kerry is cuddling her children, to: a) hide her tum-tum; b) keep warm; c) keep steady; d) show us what a proud a terrific mum she truly is?

Inside and Kerry is sat on Santa’s knee. She reaches into his sack and pulls out…

Well, can you guess? Is it?

a) A baked potato
b) A litter of wet kittens
c) Brian McFadden
d) Fern Britton’s autobiography: “Phil Her Up”

It’s e. And Kerry opens her mouth in shock. This is the “lean, man glamour mum” at work and even with her mouth agape no-one dares pops in an Iceland squirrel vol-au-vent or even a wine gum.

Says Kerry: “I’ve got brand new agent, a new me, a new figure and a brand new fresh start.”

And where else do you start but from the bottom. Which bring us to Santa, aka Mark Croft, who tells us that Kerry’s slurred speech on This Morning was down to her medication.

No, not a dose of “just what the doctor ordered”, but cholopromazine, a drug for Kerry’s en vogue bi-polarity.

“I got diagnosed four years ago with alcohol dependency because when me and Brian [McPadding] split up I was devastated and turned to drugs.”

And drink?

Well, not drink. Apart from the one vodka red bull the night before the show.

Says Mark:

At the end of the day, if someone’s in a wheelchair, would you say: ‘You can’t go on because you’re in a wheel chair?’

That question to you, the judges on Strictly Come Dancing and Perry Mason…

“But I’m not an alcoholic!” says Kerry.

“I had to carry her upstairs once in Marbella,” says Mark.

Kerry than says she’d like to go and live in America, where the legal drinking age is 21 and youthful Kerry may not be allowed a drink, should she want one, which she most certainly does not.

“I don’t like the taste of alcohol, that’s why when I go out, I just drink a few shots and get going and that’s it.”

Kerry turns to face the camera:

“I’d love to go to America because no matter where I go I’m trapped. I feel like I’m being watched all the time.”

And read about…

Posted: 10th, December 2008 | In: Celebrities, Key Posts Comments (32) | TrackBack | Permalink