Anorak News | Alan Sugar Already Has His Apprentice

Alan Sugar Already Has His Apprentice

by | 30th, March 2009

THE Apprentice is back on your screens and Sir Alan Sugar is limbering up his Possibility Finger to reject those contestants for whom an office job in Brentwood will be forever be a dream unfulfilled.

The Sun showcases the agonists, and begins with Debra Barr enjoying “a bit of naughty business dressed in a Bunny costume. She showed off her wild side while frolicking with a pal at a New Year’s Eve party in London.”

If Sir Alan is looking to bring to market novelty bunny ears that act as radio transmitters, Debra could be shoo-in for the job.

Already gone is Anita Shah, who tells us:

“My CV is strong. I am articulate. I can deal with questions and make impactful statements. Many lawyers can’t. People want to chat with me.”

You’re fired.

Next up in the Sun is Ben Clarke, who says, “To me making money is better than sex.” And, one imagines, better than sex with Ben.

The Sun says that Ben has already been fired:

One colleague at investment bank Brewin Dolphin said: “Ben has the biggest head in the world. As soon as he knew he had been selected to audition for The Apprentice, he became unbearable. He would swagger around the office like he was a master of the universe. He’d tuck his thumbs under his braces and strut about.

“He kept saying, ‘I’m leaving you losers and going to win The Apprentice’. We all laughed — until we realised he was serious. Then the bosses found out — and he was sent packing.”

In all there are 15 Apprentices listed, but there might be more, or less. There might only be two Apprentices and a variety of wigs and make-up.

Their bio pics show them all to be very young and very serious. Anita might have overdone it, though, contorting her face beyond dependable and no bullshit to angry and liable to kill. But that’s children for you, tying to copy their parents – in this case the angry-faced Sugar – and just looking more then ever like children.

Others to try and identify:

Howard Ebison might not have the name of winner – Howard comes fifth in Anorak’s list of Names Least Likely To Win With, behind Christopher, Brian, Mickey, Timothy and Leslie – but he has he blue-sky approach:

“I am a credible businessman who wants to go far. I’m incredibly ambitious. If I don’t go far down this route I shall go far down another route.”

It’s all about paths with Howard, who is the contestant most likely to turn away from the camera as he’s driven off in the Taxi to oblivion (BBC3) to comment on the M11 street lighting and a quicker way home.

James McQuillan – “I’m astute and shrewd and smart… maybe blunt at times.”

Sharp and blunt.

Kate Walsh is blonde, pictured with her tongue poking through he lips like a sluttier version of an All Saint and up for a career in media, possibly in a Loaded photo special.

Kimberly Davis has a sideways smile and says:

“I bring honesty and integrity to the table, I don’t lie, cheat or backstab. I am not the stereotypical New Yorker and it’s a stereotype I’ve faced.”

A New Yorker who is comfortable talking about herself is nothing short of mould breaking.

Lorraine Tighe – No, not Thigh. It’s Tighe, as in Mrs Tighe-winkle. She also look liker cross between Phil Wools, Labour MP, and TV funnyman Rob Brydon.

Majid Nagra – making advances in chinstrap technology.

Mona Lewis – “I knew I would be selected, not to sound big-headed… I’ve succeeded in the companies I’ve worked for because I work hard and I’m honest.”

And that’s why you’ll always be in middle management, Mona…

Paula Jones – Rebekah Wade meets Lee Dixon.

Philip Taylor – “Business is the new rock ‘n’ roll and I’m Elvis Presley”

Dead, and most likely to be sat on the toilet covered in vomit at the staff party.

Rocky Andrews – Jason Statham look-alike Rocky used to play football. Eventual winner.

Yasmina Siadatan – “Business is about a simple formula. Make more than you spend. That’s what I do, I keep business simple and it works. I’m good at it.”

No, Yasmina – business is about making other people think you will earn more than you spend, one day.

As for Sir Alan, well, he’s looking thinner and angrier, ready to put his extendable Sugar-finger phone to use… in a

Posted: 30th, March 2009 | In: Celebrities Comments (4) | TrackBack | Permalink