Anorak News | Shaddap You Face: John & Edward Fight To Bring Back The Novelty Christmas Song

Shaddap You Face: John & Edward Fight To Bring Back The Novelty Christmas Song

by | 5th, November 2009

jedwardX FACTOR Watch: Jedward walks, Max Clifford stalks, Pete Warterman puts on rose-tinted specs for Pop Idol, Cheryl Cole’s teeth are wanted, Dannii Minogue is a sight screen and Anorak’s campaign to bring back the novelty record…

Jedward, the two–headed beast, move onto another week’s awfulness. They need to make it truly terrible to keep their bandwagon going. It’s not easy to be hated. Look at Noel Edmonds.

They say that when Jedward sings the world heats up and a polar bar suffocates. They say the CIA are using recordings of Jedward to torture prisoners’ gonads. They say Jedward are husband and wife, hailing from a small factory in China.

They say they must win to restore the novelty record to its rightful place as the Christmas no.1. Where is the new Renee and Renato? Mr Blobby? Bob The Builder?

And after Christmas, where is the new Father Abraham’s crooning for his Smurfs, T.U.R.T.L.E. Power, The Purple People Eater and anything by STEPS? Jedward… We need you to bring back the novelty Christmas record.

To today’s X Factor news:

Herald (Ireland): “No stopping Jedward now as celeb agent Max Clifford is set to snap up the twins”

X Factor twins John and Edward Grimes are being lined up by celebrity agent Max Clifford as their popularity soars.

Look out for Jedward pulling on matching Chelsea kits, shagging a bit-part actress and becoming the new Kerry Katonas.The Independent, Pete Waterman: “Should we switch off The X Factor”

Waterman, one third of 80s hit makers Stock, Aitken And Waterman, now operating as a firm of provincial surveyors in Gloucester,  says the X Factor is crap. Waterman, the man who gave us Kylie Minogue and Sonia, should be able to spot overexposed, hyped talent when he sees it:

I never watch The X Factor.


I don’t watch it because I was on the original Pop Idol show and I walked off the second series on principle.

Save it for the memoirs. Next!

It’s got the best ratings since Pop Idol.


The credit in the first Pop Idol goes to the people who trawled through and edited the performances, picking a balance between fun and talent. But that all went out of the window on Pop Idol 2.

Wazzzzzzzzzzerman… While Waterman sucks on a butterscotch and continues to talk about how rubbish pop music was not so rubbsih when he was in charge of it, we read on:

The Sun: “Rachel blasts X Factor”

X FACTOR reject Rachel Adedeji has admitted contestants don’t have to be talented anymore to be on the show. Talking on Red Dragon FM, she said: “I don’t know if X Factor is about talent anymore to be honest – seriously.”

It was never about talent. It was about Saturday night telly. Breaksfast TV is not about breakfast, and so on… The X Factor thrives on a series of sensatison about the judges:

Daily Mail: “’Furious’ Dannii Minogue left out in the cold as X Factor bosses make seat move permanent”

The X Factor reshuffle that saw Dannii Minogue shunted to the end of the judging panel on Saturday night has been made permanent, it emerged today.

She’s now further away from Simon Cowell, who remains sat besside teacher’s pet Cheryl Cole. Placing Cowell and Minogue’s teeth at either end provides sight screen-style blinkers, helping the acts to remain focused on Cheryl.

The Australia signer, 38, was furious after she was given just five minutes notice by producers on the ITV talent contest that she had to swap seats with Louis Walsh.

PA: Chinese ambassador loves X Factor

Her Excellency Madam Fu Ying wrote to The Sun newspaper in response to a report that the Chinese embassy had complained about the disturbance caused by crowds of screaming fans outside the neighbouring X Factor house.

Madame Fu-Ming of Hampstead says:

“I learnt about The X Factor in the neighbourhood from embassy colleagues living nearby who complained about the noise made by the young fans outside the X Factor house. My daughter emailed me wondering if she could fly in and join the screaming fans!”

No! It is forbidden and you will be shot in the face by a tank for being an enemy to culutral revolution!

“This kind of entertainment show, combining live performances and competition appeals to young people in China as much as it does in the UK.

Fire at will.

The Guardian: “Behind the music: With Stephen Fry on Twitter, who needs The X Factor?”

New band Patch William were wondering how to market themselves – until Stephen Fry’s tweets solved their problem


Fry’s patronage has come as a relief to Stephen Levine [producer], who gives The X Factor, the UK’s most potent way of selling music, short shrift. “Simon Cowell has no taste! He’s sitting on one of the most powerful marketing tools in this country and he’s throwing it away on mediocrity. Compare him with Barry Gordy [the founder of Motown Records],” he says. “Gordy had taste. He knew good songwriting and encouraged it, as he was a songwriter himself. Cowell, on the other hand has a marketing background. I’m not blaming the songwriters – they’re just writing what they’re told to by Cowell – it’s a waste of their talent.”

Digital Spy: Olly Murs Crushes Posh

He added: “My biggest pin-up was David Beckham. As well as fancying Victoria Beckham and having every picture of her on earth, I had loads of pictures of David because I support Manchester United and he’s from around where I live.”

Spoken like a true Londoner living in the West Ham catchment area.

And now for the moment you’ve been waiting for:

PR FIRE: “Cheryl Cole Has Alternative Invisible Braces To Invisalign And Cost Cheaper”

“X FACTOR stunner Cheryl Cole has the most wanted smile in Britain” says the Daily Express. The 26-year-old has the “most-requested teeth” say many of the leading UK cosmetic dentists…

Give us yer teefs, Cheryl.

Bolton News: “Farm’s new arrivals have twin X Factor”

TWIN bull calves are set to become the star attraction a farm — after being named after X Factor finalists John and Edward…

Mr Anthony Grimshaw said: “The bulls can’t sing either, and they have a bit of spiky hair.”

And bulls are fill of bulls**t.

The X Factor – because there’s nothing on the telly. Come on Jedward:

All I Want for Christmas Is My Two Front Teeth.

Or failing that Cheryl Cole’s teeth. Ah, shaddupayaface!

Posted: 5th, November 2009 | In: Celebrities, Key Posts Comments (3) | TrackBack | Permalink