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Anorak News | Wayne Rooney’s Sex Sandwich, Jennifer Thompson’s Gangster Lover And A Turnip

Wayne Rooney’s Sex Sandwich, Jennifer Thompson’s Gangster Lover And A Turnip

by | 10th, September 2010

WAYNE Rooney’s alleged sex with prostitutes Jennifer Thompson and Helen Wood might see him murdered? That seems to be the opinion of James Lawton, who tells Star readers:

Wayne Rooney’s threesome could cost more than his marriage after it was revealed the boyfriends of both vice girls are gangsters.

So what will it cost him? Jenny Thompson says Rooney paid her an arm and a leg (£1,500) for a shag. Will the co-called gangster take the other limbs?

The headline tells Rooney:

“Be afraid Wayne… be VERY afraid.”

News is that Jenny Thompson’s “lover Jared Jones, 27, is a convicted armed robber”. He is “on the run and being hunted by police across Europe”.

So. Jones is in hiding, a desperate and wanted man keen to lie low. Which is why he “has angrily dumped the 21-year-old brunette since she went public with her £1,200 Rooney session, and according to pals has vowed revenge.

Rooney will be at Goodison Park tomorrow for Manchester untied match with Everton. He will be wearing his name on his back and the Number 10. If Jones wants to find him, it might not be that tricky.

Meanwhile the other call girl in the England striker’s “sex sandwich’’ Helen Wood, 23, is “the partner of gun-smuggler Louis Kettle, 25“.

Sex sandwich? The assumption is that Rooney is the filling, a meaty treat, doused in liniment rub and fizzy drinks. The girls are more biscuit hard than soft baps, like frozen Jaffa Cakes with teeth.

Kettle is said to be “in jail awaiting sentence for illegally importing firearm parts from the United States.”

Who knew that prostitutes hang around with men involved in criminality? Lawton thinks Rooney doesn’t:

The revelations will come as a bombshell to Rooney who will have known nothing about the raunchy pair’s murky private lives when he picked them up in a Manchester casino.

Picked them up at a casino, or as the alternative version of the story goes, booked them through an escort agency.

Lawton then goes on a flight of fancy:

Rooney’s whopping weekly wage of £270,000 in salary and image rights makes him and his loved ones a prime kidnap and blackmail target.

Kidnap Wayne? Or just lock him a hotel room with few slappers and take photos?

In other news Coleen’s sister Rosie McLoughlin has suffered a stroke. She’s 12. Says the Sun:

Coleen is crying buckets. The entire family is distraught and no one at the McLoughlin house is even talking about Wayne.

But what we want to know is if she will leave Wayne? The Liverpool Echo’s Susan Lee has advice:

Unwittingly she has become a role model. Everyone, after all, loves a Pygmalian tale of ordinary-girl-gets-catapulted-into-the-fame-stratosphere.

And if it could happen to her, it could happen to you.

For that reason, and that alone, she has to kick her husband into touch – whether this week’s sordid allegations are true or not.

Maybe Coleen should just leave his knob? In the Belfast Telegraph Kevin Myers notes that Rooney is a turnip and Peter Crouch, his England colleague who allegedly cheated on Abbey Clancy with a brass called Monica Mint, is a mangle wurzel:

Both the turnip and the mangel wurzel apparently share separate blood systems with their owners’ respective penises. These are not connected to the rest of their bodies, they are virtually autonomous.

Time for Facebook group for Wayne’s penis, then: Wayne Rooney – You Bell End Legend. Says the Mail:

Yesterday a Facebook page entitled ‘Wayne Rooney is a Disgrace’ saw members of the public round on the player as he was described as ‘overpaid and over-rated’.

The Mirror says her rep has met a divorce lawyer:

Coleen, who could land half of England star Roo’s £33million fortune in a divorce…

Or as the, er, Mirror says:

Coleen Rooney would be in line for a £50million divorce payout,

Such are the facts…

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Posted: 10th, September 2010 | In: Sports Comment | TrackBack | Permalink