Anorak News | Stalkers Set To Really Enjoy The Wedding Of Prince William And Kate Middleton

Stalkers Set To Really Enjoy The Wedding Of Prince William And Kate Middleton

by | 21st, April 2011

HURRAY! There’s a Royal Wedding! Of course, every single Briton absolutely adores those deserving, clueless, blueblooded lizard men!

Naturally, there are those who don’t really like the Royal Family, but you can’t complain too much because they’ve wafted their well-bred hands and got us all a day-off work, which collectively, we’ll not want to enjoy too much on the off chance it makes us look like we’re rooting for those scaly swine!

Either way, the Royal Wedding, complete with capital letters, is going ahead and whether you like it or not, it’ll be the talk of lovers and haters alike while Prince William stands very upright gnashing his impossible teeth and Kate Middleton looks for all the world like she’s to become The Next Princess Diana (aka designed entirely to be slightly less posh than her new in-laws, forever to destined to nod meekly at AIDS suffers and limbless orphans).

And, like all people in the public eye, the new Royal Couple will have stalkers desperate to breathe the same rarified air, even if it simply means trying to grab a clump of Wills’ chest hair from a dustbin or lick the same yoghurt pot as Lady Kate.

With that, men with earpieces and stiff suits are targeting these mental royal fanatics ahead of the big day.

A specialist team has been set up at Scotland Yard (a building desperate in their attempts to avoid answering any questions about phone tapping and the like) to tackle the menace that is People Who Really Really Like The Royal Family/Americans.

This new team will be working with mental health organisations and dicks from the Fixated Threat Assessment Centre and will, if required, section these nutters (that’s the technical term). With all special crack units, they’ll be given the chance to employ stop-and-search powers on absolutely anyone in a 90 mile radius of the wedding.

You’ll be thrilled to learn that this has cost the tax payer £20million already.

The source says:

“If someone breaches a cordon or tries to confront or assault someone at the wedding, armed police will have to make a split-second decision about opening fire or not.”

“Ultimately, it is safer for the stalker if they are warned off in advance of a major event such as this.”

Stalkers, of course, are well known for their reasoning and ability to process sensible thoughts when concerning their object of desire. It is also worth noting that, if you are a stalker, Kate Middleton will be accompanied by her father in a car that’s being driven from the Goring Hotel to Westminster Abbey at 10.51am.

We can only hope that we’ll see one irritating Pro Tibet hippie getting smacked down by men with bear heads, live on our televisions.


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Posted: 21st, April 2011 | In: Royal Family Comment | TrackBack | Permalink