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Paul Sorene | Anorak - Part 1871

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Tony Blair’s One Man Band Takes On Cameron’s Ensemble

TONY Blair’s gesture politics is all over the papers.

Here’s Tony wearing a straw boater atop his fluffy hair. He is surround by a group of the kind of men whose … (read more)

Posted: 3rd, March 2007 | In: Uncategorized | Comment


Jade Goody’s Delhi Belly

JADE Goody and Shilpa Shetty are at war.

This is, as the Sun says, “DELHI DING-DONG”.

Jade, in India on a charm offensive – with a heavy emphasis on the offensive – … (read more)

Posted: 2nd, March 2007 | In: Celebrities | Comment


Off Her Doodle – Britney Spears No PUSH Over

BRITNEY Spears has scribbled on the back of her hand.
No, scratch that.
Britney Spears has a hand with scribble on the back of it. This is more accurate. We cannot be … (read more)

Posted: 2nd, March 2007 | In: Tabloids | Comment


The NME within – Robbie Williams Hears Voices

ROBBIE Williams is smiling.

Williams’ is not a vapid cow-eyed smile. Williams is smiling because, as the Sun reports, he has been receiving messages of support from Sun readers.

Having won a … (read more)

Posted: 2nd, March 2007 | In: Tabloids | Comment


Tuck Box – Tormenting Fat Children

ANOTHER day and another fat kid is rolled out.

The Sun’s campaign to name and shame all fat children in the land is moving on as quickly as these roly-polys are … (read more)

Posted: 2nd, March 2007 | In: Tabloids | Comment


David Cameron’s Young Ones

Tories Finance Election Campaign With Release Of New DVD – the good old days of The Bullingdon Club. BBDO … (read more)

Posted: 1st, March 2007 | In: Uncategorized | Comment


Nikki Grahame’s Guy

BIG Brother fans will recall the screeching half-person known as Nikki Grahame.

But what has Nikkkkkkki been up to since she left the house and fell out of Big Brother winner … (read more)

Posted: 1st, March 2007 | In: Celebrities | Comment


Lizzie Come Home – Liz Taylor Comes Out

LIZ Taylor is alive.

Who among us does not see the image of the Hollywood icon on the Express’s front page and think that Taylor has exited stage left?

There she is … (read more)

Posted: 1st, March 2007 | In: Tabloids | Comment


LA Posh – Victoria Beckham Gets David’s Hair

VICTORIA Beckham is blonde.

Vicky now looks like what you’d get if you bred Duran Duran keyboardist Nick Rhodes, Ralph Maccio and a pot of lemon curd.

It’s “GOLDEN CURLS,” says the … (read more)

Posted: 1st, March 2007 | In: Tabloids | Comment (1)


Robbie Williams’ Finger Of Hate

ROBBIE Williams is a winner.

It is our proud duty to announce that Williams is to receive an award for his Rudebox album.

A little hand clap for some funk faces and … (read more)

Posted: 1st, March 2007 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comment


I Had A Dream – Justin Hawkins’ Eurovision

I have a dream, a song to sing
To help me cope with anything

JUSTIN Hawkins, former Darkness front man, had a dream.

In “Why I had to sing up for Eurovision”, Justin … (read more)

Posted: 1st, March 2007 | In: Tabloids | Comment


Britney Spears Suicide Watch – Come See

MORE on our Britney Spears suicide special.

Staying with the Enquirer, a source tells us: “He [K-Ferret] fears Britney’s continued downward plunge into erratic behaviour could lead her to become suicidal.”

And … (read more)

Posted: 1st, March 2007 | In: Reviews | Comment


Kevin Federline Saves Britney Justin Time

“BRITNEY SUICIDE WATCH.”

And you can keep a vigil at Britney Spears’ door over a “6-PAGE SPECIAL REPORT” in the Enquirer. And you will not be alone. Because here comes Kevin … (read more)

Posted: 1st, March 2007 | In: Reviews | Comments (2)


Out Of Bounds – Victoria Beckham Meets Tom Hanks & Ford

“POSH & BECKS ‘LIVING APART’,” announces the Star’s front page.

The Beckhams, described as “stressed-out”, are said to have spent “just 25 days” together under the same roof since New Year’s … (read more)

Posted: 28th, February 2007 | In: Tabloids | Comments (3)


India’s Crush On Jade Goody

JADE Goody is in India.

And this is what the locals are saying: “My baby is hurt..who is this awful person? She’s not welcome.”

Jade is proving to be every bit as … (read more)

Posted: 28th, February 2007 | In: Tabloids | Comment


Kerry Katona’s Oven Ready Chicken

“MY baby’s like a frozen chicken from Iceland,” says Kerry Katona, now Kerry Croft.

Kerry is on the cover of OK!.

Pictured with her baby, new husband Mark Croft, we can neither … (read more)

Posted: 28th, February 2007 | In: Celebrities, OK! | Comment


No Khan Do – Why Hugh Grant & Jemima Split

WANT to know the “REAL REASONS” Hugh Grant and Jemima Khan are no longer stepping out together?

So firm are these real reason that Hello! tempers hopes of a reconciliation by … (read more)

Posted: 28th, February 2007 | In: Reviews | Comment


Mac Attack – Prince Charles Chews The Fat

HELEN Mirren, Queen of Hollywood, eats a burger and now Prince Charles is heard to say that McDonald’s should be banned.

“BURGER OFF!” commands the Mirror’s front page. “Storm as Charles … (read more)

Posted: 28th, February 2007 | In: Tabloids | Comment


Wanted: Fat Children

AS Prince Charles talks gut rot, the Sun looks at the fat kid.

Look at her. Isn’t she big! Isn’t she fat! Waddling around with a waggle and a quack.

Samantha Hames … (read more)

Posted: 28th, February 2007 | In: Tabloids | Comment (1)


James Cameron’s Jesus Goes Down Like Mel Gibson On The Titanic

“IS THIS JESUS’ COFFIN?”

From just looking at the slap of limestone found in Jerusalem it’s hard to tell. And we, like the Sun, are unsure how to answer.

But one man … (read more)

Posted: 28th, February 2007 | In: Tabloids | Comment (1)


Badges Baiting – Girl Guides Want It All

I PROMISE that I will do my best:
To love my God,
To serve the Queen and my country,
To help other people
and
To keep the Guide Law.

But the Girl Guides are changing. As … (read more)

Posted: 27th, February 2007 | In: Tabloids | Comment


(Mariah) Carey Street

IT’S Mariah Carey. She’s here to prove once more that so much Glitter does not equate to so much gold.

Carey is opening up her heart and the doors to her … (read more)

Posted: 27th, February 2007 | In: Reviews | Comment (1)


Caprice Does Dallas, Courchevel & South Africa

CAPRICE is not standing in a wind tunnel.

It’s the model’s fast-paced life that causes the skin to pull back, the hair to billow and sway about her shoulders.

Caprice is pictured … (read more)

Posted: 27th, February 2007 | In: Reviews | Comment (1)


Sophie Anderton Walks

High maintenance mo-del Sophie Anderton was all set to embark on a two-week trek across the Arctic.

Sophie would walk 140 miles in temperatures of minus 40 degrees.

Her efforts would raise … (read more)

Posted: 27th, February 2007 | In: Money | Comment (1)


Home From Home – Abu Qatada’s Jail Time

NO, it’s not Omar Bakri or Abu Hamza. It’s Abu Qatada.

As the Express’s front page says, this is “one of the world’s most dangerous suspects”.

Qatada is billed as “Osama Bin … (read more)

Posted: 27th, February 2007 | In: Broadsheets | Comment