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Anorak - Author Archive

Bird Brains

“I COULDN’T believe it. I thought I was stupid.”

So says Danielle Lloyd, the current flame of footballer Teddy Sheringham.

It turns out that this is one of the few things Dani … (read more)

Posted: 15th, September 2006 | In: Back pages | Comment

Tom Cruise & Katie Holmes Call It A Night

“TOM Cruise and Katie Holmes are sleeping in separate bedrooms!”

This is sensational news. So sensational is this news that the Enquirer says it three times.

Note the front-page headline: “TOM & … (read more)

Posted: 15th, September 2006 | In: Reviews | Comments (4)

Something Fishy

“IRWIN was the real Crocodile Dundee, a great Australian, an ambassador for wildlife, a global phenomenon, a superhuman generator of merchandise, books, interactive video-games and action figures.”

Germaine Greer wrote that … (read more)

Posted: 12th, September 2006 | In: Tabloids | Comments (3)

Beckham Retires

“WELL, I’m not a Wag any more, am I?” says Victoria Beckham.

Or should that be asked? These are early days in the existence of Wags and the definition is, well, … (read more)

Posted: 10th, September 2006 | In: Back pages | Comment

Strip Poker

Naked Ambition

Slough has a new hero. John Young, a 32-year-old freelance writer, won the £10,000 first prize in the World Strip Poker Championship (no-limit hold ‘em), held at the Cafe … (read more)

Posted: 8th, September 2006 | In: Money | Comment

Jamelia Scores

“THEY are famous for doing nothing,” says singer Jamelia in the Sun.

The woman with a name like an antiseptic ointment tells the Sun that Wags are “famous for doing nothing…They’re … (read more)

Posted: 5th, September 2006 | In: Back pages | Comment

Princess Di’s Rocks

PROFESSIONAL jealousy among rocks?

Nothing of it. Paul Burrell surely knows there can be only true rock in Diana’s life. And when he says that the rocks Dodi Fayed gave Princess … (read more)

Posted: 4th, September 2006 | In: Royal Family | Comment

A Fat Lot Of Good

DOESN’T the Government realise that all the best chefs are fat?

Teaching schoolchildren how to cook might just make them even rounder than they already are.

And fat is a big issue … (read more)

Posted: 4th, September 2006 | In: Tabloids | Comment (1)

Nicole Richie & The Green-Eyed Monster

SOME of Nicole Richie’s friends worry that she will end up at “death’s door”, says the Enquirer.

And proud to call ourselves friends of the “human toothpick”, we at Anorak wonder … (read more)

Posted: 27th, August 2006 | In: Reviews | Comment

Lindsay Lohan & Katie Holmes

DID anyone catch the heartfelt editorial cartoon Lindsay Lohan’s father sketched while sitting in jail?

Click here to view it so that you may understand the importance of the editorial cartoon … (read more)

Posted: 25th, August 2006 | In: Reviews | Comment

Up The Pool

“…ON Victoria, Coleen & Cheryl plus the TRUTH about those eyebrows!”

Before Alex Curran tells us how her eyebrows are expressions of her inner Wag, with their own store cards and … (read more)

Posted: 25th, August 2006 | In: Back pages | Comment


WHAT’S the difference between a Wag and a wannabe Wag? The answer is, of course, a footballer.

You can have any number of titanium credit cards and store cards for boutiques … (read more)

Posted: 22nd, August 2006 | In: Back pages | Comment

Diddy Rocks Up

P DIDDY is like the young lad who wants to be a rock star so spends hours in his bedroom practicing throwing his telly out of the window and calling … (read more)

Posted: 15th, August 2006 | In: Tabloids | Comment

Do I Like Orange

WITH any disappointment at being overlooked for the England captain’s job behind him, Steven Gerrard has moved on.

“GERRARD MY STORY,” says the headline on the News Of The World’s cover. … (read more)

Posted: 14th, August 2006 | In: Back pages | Comment

A Pen & Ink

ONE Jab, Two Jags, Three Pads, Four Shags… John Prescott’s soubriquets are numerate and numerous.

And this morning we can add to them 20,000 Biros.

Okay, so it’s a crap nickname – … (read more)

Posted: 11th, August 2006 | In: Uncategorized | Comment (1)

She Can Work It Out


That’s the headline in the Mirror. And duly hooked we read on and learn that Coleen McLoughlin plans to lose half a stone.

A picture of … (read more)

Posted: 9th, August 2006 | In: Back pages | Comment

Less Than 00

FORGET less than zero. The benchmark for this generation is double zero. And Nancy Dell’Olio might be wearing a pair of 00-size jeans as she arrives at Rome Airport.

Nancy is … (read more)

Posted: 8th, August 2006 | In: Back pages | Comment

Hullo Dave

“HULLO clouds, hullo sky.”

There is something of the Basil Fotherington-Thomas about David Beckham.

The former England captain is not all that unlike the “gurl” from the Molesworth books. Hullo clouds, hullo … (read more)

Posted: 8th, August 2006 | In: Tabloids | Comment

Mel Gibson’s A Victim

“I FEEL bad for Mel, he’s a wonderful human being.”

There is nothing to suggest that Patrick Swayze, who delivers that line, has been drinking. This is his sober view on … (read more)

Posted: 7th, August 2006 | In: Tabloids | Comments (2)

Root Of All Evil – August 2008

IT’S quite a turnip for the books.

Accountant Garry Dodson was cooking dinner in his Bolton bedsit when he noticed something strange about the turnip he was preparing to peel.

“I got … (read more)

Posted: 6th, August 2006 | In: Reviews | Comment (1)

The Best Show In Tinseltown

FORGET fey Caribbean pirates and a Christopher Reeve impersonator in tights, the big Hollywood show was occurring on a Malibu highway.

On Monday, we read of an alleged exchange between Mel … (read more)

Posted: 5th, August 2006 | In: Reviews | Comments (2)

Lindsay Lohan Works Like A Trojan

AS smoking guns go, Lindsay Lohan’s shopping list would struggle to fire a little shard of potato shrapnel.

The Enquire has “obtained” a receipt from the actress’s recent sojourn to a … (read more)

Posted: 4th, August 2006 | In: Reviews | Comment

Being Frank

“THE FRANK LAMPARD STORY.” The headline reads like the name of an afternoon movie on Channel 5.

But that’s not the title of the player’s first autobiography. It’s called Totally Frank, … (read more)

Posted: 2nd, August 2006 | In: Back pages | Comment

The Eternal Triangle

“ANGELINA walks in on Brad & Jen!”

The three-way relationship that Jennifer Aniston, for it is she, compared to the Bermuda Triangle – although no-one has disappeared – delivers more shocks.

But … (read more)

Posted: 28th, July 2006 | In: Reviews | Comments (4)

Joanna Taylor Wants To Cry

“I THINK that when I walk down the street everyone is looking at me wishing they were me because I am the luckiest person in the world.”

Luck with a degree … (read more)

Posted: 25th, July 2006 | In: Back pages | Comment