Anorak

- Author Archive

Queen’s Nip & Ruck

FOR days we have guessed. Her Majesty the Queen’s hand is in plaster. Not a plaster of Paris but a sticking plaster. For purposes of identification, the Sun shows Her … (read more)

Posted: 14th, December 2006 | In: Tabloids | Comment

Borat’s Mud Sticks

“WE’RE leaving Borat’s village for a dream life in Britain.” So says the Sun’s headline, a legend based on interviews with villagers living in Moroieni, Romania. Those gipsies featured in … (read more)

Posted: 14th, December 2006 | In: Tabloids | Comment

Reality Politik

POLITICS and pop music are rarely in harmony. If it’s not light bulb-headed Neil Kinnock popping up in Tracey Ullman’a video, it’s LibDem leader Menzies Campbell and Gordon Brown competing … (read more)

Posted: 14th, December 2006 | In: Tabloids | Comment

Mind Your Language

“SHOULD all immigrants be forced to learn English?” The Express wants its readers to respond to this question by phone. There is number for “YES” and a number for “NO”. … (read more)

Posted: 13th, December 2006 | In: Tabloids | Comment

France Invades

“THE woman who woke up thinking she was French.” It is hard to imagine a headline that will instil more horror in the Mail reader. And reading on we learn … (read more)

Posted: 13th, December 2006 | In: Tabloids | Comment

The Best In British Policing

…in British policing. Regular readers will know of my continuing quest for a job where I no longer have to meet the public or chase criminals across rough ground. A … (read more)

Posted: 13th, December 2006 | In: Reviews | Comment

The Suffolk Ripper

A MANHUNT is on. Police are loathe to use terms like serial killer, but evidence points to one man being responsible for the murder of five women in Suffolk, all … (read more)

Posted: 13th, December 2006 | In: Tabloids | Comment

Sienna Miller’s Tale

PROFESSIONAL girlfriend Sienna Miller looks thoughtful. Many of you will be unaware that Jude Law’s ex is also an actress. Chances are that just as she can do thinking, she … (read more)

Posted: 12th, December 2006 | In: Tabloids | Comment

Christmas Din

“THE CHRISTMAS toys that are as loud as a road drill.” So says the Mail, which notes that the recommended safe level for continuous noise is 85 decibels. The fear … (read more)

Posted: 12th, December 2006 | In: Tabloids | Comment

Ahmadinejad Is Kevin Federline

“DEATH to the dictator.” And surely death will come, just as it came to Augusto Pinochet, the former Chilean leader whose departure the Times marks with a cartoon of his … (read more)

Posted: 12th, December 2006 | In: Uncategorized | Comment

The Ordinary Boy King

WHEN Matt Willis was presented with that hollowed out coconut and broken oar his life changed. No longer would Matt be Matt from Busted. He was now Matt, the celebrity … (read more)

Posted: 11th, December 2006 | In: TV & Radio | Comment (1)

Santa Or Satan?

SANTA or Satan? He’s making a list and checking it twice. Gonna find out who’s naughty and nice… He sees you when you’re sleeping! He knows when you’re awake! It … (read more)

Posted: 11th, December 2006 | In: Tabloids | Comment

No Self-Control

EVERY day of every week the Mail thinks up imaginative ways to remind you that life is cruel and you are going to experience pain and die. And if it … (read more)

Posted: 11th, December 2006 | In: Tabloids | Comment

Britney Spears’s Green-Eyed Monster

SHOULD Britney Spears’s X-rated video, the one she is said to have co-produced with Kevin Federline make it to the sticky end of the DVD bargain bucket, what will it … (read more)

Posted: 11th, December 2006 | In: Reviews | Comment

Bishop’s Bish

“BISHED AS A NEWT,” announced the front-page headline in the Sunday Mirror. And with that readers were introduced to the Bishop of Southwark. Today he is back. And he’s sporting … (read more)

Posted: 11th, December 2006 | In: Tabloids | Comment

Football Fans Get A Roasting

“ARE you the mystery girl or do you know who she is?” The sun wants to know. There’s a phone number in case you are the "busty female fan" seen … (read more)

Posted: 10th, December 2006 | In: Back pages | Comment

Urban Myths

“DO you believe in urban myths and old wives’ tales?” This question appears in the Express, a paper that talks of Rogarians under our beds and a squad of Cliff … (read more)

Posted: 8th, December 2006 | In: Tabloids | Comment

Madonna – Material Girl

FORMER England footballer Graeme Le Saux peers out from the African undergrowth. With David Attenborough otherwise engaged, it is Le Saux’s chance to play TV’s voice of God. Le Saux … (read more)

Posted: 8th, December 2006 | In: Tabloids | Comment

Laura Bush Is Coming To Town

SEE the blazing land before us – Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la… The jingle bell hop has begun and the great and not all that good of American politics are arriving for the … (read more)

Posted: 8th, December 2006 | In: Uncategorized | Comment

Going To Ground

HAD Alexander Litvinenko been cremated would so much of London now be destroyed, less a tombstone marking the spot where the Russian was laid to rest than the root of … (read more)

Posted: 8th, December 2006 | In: Tabloids | Comment

Coleen’s In The Black

Coleen’s In The Black Wayne Rooney’s lover Coleen McLoughlin is being paid a rumoured £1.5m to front a Saturday night TV show. In the ITV show, Coleen – pink boots, … (read more)

Posted: 8th, December 2006 | In: Royal Family | Comment

Outfit For A Prince

KATE Middleton looks like such a nice gel. And then the Star tells us that Prince’s Willy’s lover has gone and bought a batch of “adult toys”. As the Royal … (read more)

Posted: 8th, December 2006 | In: Tabloids | Comment

Rocky Horrors

FORGET getting your two front teeth for Christmas. What you need is a new face. The Mail invites its readers to take a long hard look at Lulu, the Sixties … (read more)

Posted: 7th, December 2006 | In: Tabloids | Comment

Ron Out Of Town

RONALD McDonald – Rest In Pieces (six pieces with a sweet & sour dipping sauce). It is our proud duty to announce that the man in the fright wig, oversized … (read more)

Posted: 7th, December 2006 | In: Tabloids | Comment

Have A Merry Islamas

CHRISTMAS is coming, the goose is full of hydrogenated fat… Isn’t Christmas just so great. Just get a load of that massive tree. It’s amazing how it manages to grow … (read more)

Posted: 7th, December 2006 | In: Tabloids | Comment

Contact Us Writers