Anorak

| Anorak - Part 28

- Author Archive

George Michael Is Bushwhacked

NOT all groupies labour under the name Blonde Slag. Some are called Norman Kirtland. And neither are they all young and nubile. Norman is 58-years-old and has a pot belly. … (read more)

Posted: 24th, July 2006 | In: Tabloids | Comment


Bob Geldof Does Not Sell Out

“WE want Bob!” “We want the Rats!” “Bring on the Boomtown Rats.” Sadly, history notes that the many Bob Geldof fans at Live Aid had their demands drowned out by … (read more)

Posted: 24th, July 2006 | In: Uncategorized | Comment


Wayne Rooney Saves Coleen McLoughlin From Drowning

THE story so far: Wayne Rooney has been born with 2,347 freckles. It is 2003 and he and girlfriend Coleen McLoughlin are on holiday in Mexico? Now read on… “We … (read more)

Posted: 24th, July 2006 | In: Tabloids | Comment


Big Brother Snoozie’s Twisted Knickers

"Okay guys, Susie has a question. Who has been trying on her underwear?" Richard likes to ask questions. He likes to sit down on his buttocks in what looks like … (read more)

Posted: 24th, July 2006 | In: Celebrities | Comment


Robbie Williams’ Swear Box

“HE was really tender. But I wanted to get dirty and he wasn’t comfortable with a lot of my ideas.” The words of Blonde Slag, a woman who claims to … (read more)

Posted: 24th, July 2006 | In: Tabloids | Comment


Prince Harry Fights Dirty

ANOTHER day and another chance to prepare for battle. When the war comes, Officer Prince Harry Wales will be more than up for it. He will mount his pony, raise … (read more)

Posted: 24th, July 2006 | In: Tabloids | Comment


Britney Spears & Kevin Federline So In Love

THAT Kevin Federline is one handsome specimen of jive-talking, hot-movin’, good-lookin’ (anything else, ed?), finger-lickin’, clean livin’ man god. (Enough?) Contrary to any impression given, Mr Britney Spears is a … (read more)

Posted: 24th, July 2006 | In: Reviews | Comment


Tony Blair & George Bush are Grrrr8!

“FORSOOTH! I eyed him narrowly…” On Monday we read the opening line to Wayne Rooney’s autobiography. The Story So Far promised to show us the real Wayne. Of course, Wayne … (read more)

Posted: 23rd, July 2006 | In: Broadsheets | Comment


How Do You Like Your Eggs?

EVERY day of every week the Mail thinks up imaginative ways to remind you that life is cruel and you are going to experience pain and die. Here is a … (read more)

Posted: 23rd, July 2006 | In: Tabloids | Comment


Emergency Pete

PAGE 1 of the Big Brother survival handbook is unequivocal in its advice: “To relieve moments of tedium refer to Pete.” JaYne has gone. Nikkkki has gone. Shahbaz has gone. … (read more)

Posted: 23rd, July 2006 | In: Celebrities | Comment


Jade Goody Coaches Nikki

“NOW Nikki is out of the house I think she will do really well.” What, Jade Goody, better than she would have done had she stayed inside the Big Brother … (read more)

Posted: 22nd, July 2006 | In: Celebrities | Comment


Princess Diana’s Anniversary Dress

THE British media may be up in arms that Italy’s Chi magazine published a picture of a dying Princess Diana’s last moments on this earth, but they’re not above giving … (read more)

Posted: 22nd, July 2006 | In: Reviews | Comment


Big Brother Goes Nuts In July

Perhaps she was deficient in vitamin D? Perhaps some kind of SAD syndrome can explain why Imogen has been routinely slow in thought and deed. Whatever the explanation, the sun … (read more)

Posted: 22nd, July 2006 | In: Celebrities | Comment


Justin Timberlake Infatuated By Britney Spears

“I WAS in love with her from the start,” says Justin Timberlake. “Infatuated with her from the moment I saw her.” Justin is not talking of Cameron Diaz, his current … (read more)

Posted: 21st, July 2006 | In: Tabloids | Comment


Mel Gibson – Hair By Jesus

AND so the Mail’s “They’re Just Like You And Me – Probably Worse!” campaign to reduce the great and good in stature. Today the focus is on Mel Gibson. The … (read more)

Posted: 21st, July 2006 | In: Tabloids | Comment


Naomi Campbell Arrested

PROGRESS is being made. Naomi Campbell no longer lashes out at maids, as has been alleged many times. On Monday we heard news of how Naomi had been venting her … (read more)

Posted: 21st, July 2006 | In: Tabloids | Comment


Omar Bakri Is Back

HE’S back. And he might well have been on his way back to London had the Royal Navy allowed him to board one its warships and leave Lebanon. As it … (read more)

Posted: 21st, July 2006 | In: Broadsheets | Comment


Madonna & Guy Adopt Brad Pitt’s Lawyer

CAN we trust you not to tell anyone? We can? Ok. Come closer. Closer. Madonna and Guy Ritchie are “secretly planning to adopt a baby”. And so long as you … (read more)

Posted: 21st, July 2006 | In: Tabloids | Comment


Cereal Offenders

NAME? The website wants to know. It also wants to know how old you are. Children surfing the internet should take care. Perhaps they should go and get mum. She … (read more)

Posted: 21st, July 2006 | In: Uncategorized | Comment


Big Brother Jobs For The Girls

JaYne is a recruitment consultant. For whom? “’Harlo! JaYne ‘ere,” says JaYne on the phone to one of her clients. “I got me a candi-dert for that persishon. He’s rearlly … (read more)

Posted: 20th, July 2006 | In: Celebrities | Comment


Big Brother’s Dickie v Thickie

JaYne you are the Weakest Link, goodbye. Or is it the missing link – the gap between the Big Bang and the Big Burp is but a brief break between … (read more)

Posted: 20th, July 2006 | In: Celebrities | Comment


A Plodcast

“ALWAYS keen to innovate and to make full use of modern communications, I have decided to become the UK’s first blogging chief constable.” Thus begins the online diary of Richard … (read more)

Posted: 20th, July 2006 | In: Uncategorized | Comment


Princess Michael Is No Cheetah

WHAT thoughts are passing through the Botox-laced head of Princess Michael of Kent as she cradles a cheetah’s face in her hands? Unkind voices who misunderstand the Princess, the types … (read more)

Posted: 20th, July 2006 | In: Reviews | Comment


Jennifer Aniston Slides Off

“JEN’S Big Fat Greek wedding.” Is there anything about Jennifer Aniston’s life that is not linked to a movie or a TV show? We can trace the branding of Jen … (read more)

Posted: 20th, July 2006 | In: Reviews | Comment


John Lennon’s Imagine Banned

“YOU COULDN’T MAKE IT UP,” says the Sun’s badge. But you could. It’s all too easy to make up the story of how pupils at St Leonard’s Church of England … (read more)

Posted: 20th, July 2006 | In: Tabloids | Comment