Roads To Nowhere

MANUAL for Streets, the invaluable new pamphlet from the Government, has caught the eye of the Times. This is no Nanny State guide to walking in streets, featuring cartoonish diagrams … (read more)

Posted: 12th, July 2006 | In: Uncategorized | Comment

Mummy Knows Best

“MUM, I’m not going to have babies til I’m old. Like 23 or something.” How Allison Pearson must have laughed. Indeed, she and her friend Nicky both laughed. And we … (read more)

Posted: 12th, July 2006 | In: Tabloids | Comment

Half Nelson’s Column

TODAY Britons walk a little shorter. It is our painful duty to report that Nelson’s Column is 16ft shorter than it was yesterday. We had thought the Trafalgar Square landmark … (read more)

Posted: 12th, July 2006 | In: Tabloids | Comment

JaYne’s PaYne

IT is the chance we’ve been waiting for. Finally, the people will decide. With the exception of JaYne, all the housemates are up for eviction. JaYne has been caught telling … (read more)

Posted: 12th, July 2006 | In: Celebrities | Comment

Get Rich Quickie

“I BEDDED DIANA.” That’s the headline on the front page of the Sun. It’s a “cameraman’s sick boast”. Indeed it is. Diana – our Diana – shuffled off to the … (read more)

Posted: 12th, July 2006 | In: Tabloids | Comment

Stones Home

HAVING drawn our attention to Michael Douglas’s haggard neck and Madonna’s sinewy hands, the Mail looks at Keith Richards’ finger. The Mail’s ‘They’re Just Like You & Me – Probably … (read more)

Posted: 11th, July 2006 | In: Tabloids | Comment

The Hooded War

HAVE you seen them? Those women in blue rinse and helmet-hard hair? They smell of baking powder, English lavender and wet dog. Some of them wear rain hats. And they … (read more)

Posted: 11th, July 2006 | In: Uncategorized | Comment

Washed Up

“THE reason I must leave EastEnders.” It’s the Mirror’s front-page headline. And rightly so. After almost 900 years in the soap opera, and not looking a day over 79, Wendy … (read more)

Posted: 11th, July 2006 | In: Tabloids | Comment

England Expecting?

EVERYONE’S doing the Zidane-Materazzi nipple tweak. It’s the summer craze.
In “WOULD ROO LIKE A TWEAK”, the Star has a shot of Wayne Rooney on holiday in the south of … (read more)

Posted: 11th, July 2006 | In: Tabloids | Comment

The Morning Dafter Pill

Puns Of The Day “The XL factor” (Star) – Reality TV pop singer Shayne Ward says his penis is twice the size of football Freddie Ljungberg’s. Although Freddie is the … (read more)

Posted: 11th, July 2006 | In: Back pages | Comment

Chest Nutter

SO great a footballer is French captain Zinedine Zidane that even his fouls are better than anyone else’s. While Wayne Rooney warms his metatarsal in the groin of a Portuguese … (read more)

Posted: 11th, July 2006 | In: Tabloids | Comment

Take It Away…Peter Andre

Remember when Lea observed: "He’s really expressionate when he’s talking to her”? No? Ok, let’s do this in little steps. Do you remember Lea? Do you remember that walking mountain … (read more)

Posted: 11th, July 2006 | In: Celebrities | Comment

Tradesman Re-entrance

DID Piers Sellers, a British astronaut, suck on his space pencil when he saw the job he’d been asked to do? What went through his mind as 280 miles over … (read more)

Posted: 10th, July 2006 | In: Tabloids | Comment

Eeyore Beautiful

“In sarnie-ty – Cop chiefs ban ham butties for PCs at Muslim do” (Sun) – Chief inspectors ban policemen and women from eating bacon butties at the Islam Expo even … (read more)

Posted: 10th, July 2006 | In: Back pages | Comment

Irates of the Crazy BB7

“Naughty Nikki gave her lover a real electric shock when she dragged him into a meter cupboard and flicked all his switches.” You want more? You sure you can handle … (read more)

Posted: 10th, July 2006 | In: Celebrities | Comment

Gags & Wags

“ENGLAND’S football flops yesterday chatted up girls and guzzled champagne,” says the Sun with palpable disgust. This is the front-page news that feels like a swift kick in the metatarsals … (read more)

Posted: 10th, July 2006 | In: Tabloids | Comment

Torque & Mindy

Introducing Anorak’s new column – My Columnist & I. Each week we will select a columnist and see how many times the word “I” is mentioned in their piece. We … (read more)

Posted: 10th, July 2006 | In: Tabloids | Comment

Belt Up

GIVEN the presence of what is routinely called the “obesity timebomb”, news that Victoria Beckham wears jeans made for a seven year old need not be all that shocking. This … (read more)

Posted: 10th, July 2006 | In: Tabloids | Comment

Walk Of Life

YOU can tell a lot about someone by the way they walk. Lifting your legs in the manner of a goose suggests you are either an England football fan having … (read more)

Posted: 10th, July 2006 | In: Uncategorized | Comment

Kate’s New Mate

SACK the hack. Reading the Star’s “Lin’s In Love”, the story of how Lindsay Lohan has found romance in Blighty, we learn of Kate Moss’s involvement in the matter but … (read more)

Posted: 10th, July 2006 | In: Tabloids | Comment

D.I.V.O.R.C.E

“IT WON’T LAST.” Nicole Kidman’s marriage to country music singer Keith Urban will end in D.I.V.O.R.C.E. So says Keith’s ex-fiancee, the not-in-the-least-bit-bitter Laura Sigler. “It’s not going to last,” says … (read more)

Posted: 9th, July 2006 | In: Reviews | Comment

Et Voila!

NIKKI’S personal hygiene is causing no little concern. Last night we looked on as she sobbed in the Diary Room. Producing two white tissues, Nikkkki rubbed them on her eyes. … (read more)

Posted: 9th, July 2006 | In: Celebrities | Comment

Old Lady Luck

Quotes Of The Day “Lucky? I lost Totti three months before the World Cup. I have had Zambrotta, Gattuso and Nesta injured. We have had players sent off,. And we … (read more)

Posted: 9th, July 2006 | In: Back pages | Comment

The End

Winners Put your money on France. In 32 matches between Italy and France, the Italians have won 17; the French have won just 7. But in the past nine meetings, … (read more)

Posted: 9th, July 2006 | In: Back pages | Comment

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Football Gossip
Chelsea will sign Italy captain Fabio Cannavaro final (Mail)
Newcastle are to offer £7m for Werder Bremen and Germany striker Miroslav Klose (Mirror)
Chelsea will offer £15m offer … (read more)

Posted: 9th, July 2006 | In: Back pages | Comment

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