Anorak

| Anorak - Part 8

- Author Archive

Dolly-ed Up

CAN you reuse body parts? Sure, you can transplant organs, but what about the other bits? Anorak once took a trip to a crematorium and having been given the tour … (read more)

Posted: 17th, November 2006 | In: Reviews | Comment


Having Paris

AS Michael Jackson (or was it?) flops on stage, and Paris Hilton get offered out by Texas singer Sharleen Spiteri (“F**k off, I’m not scared of you,” says Spiteri to … (read more)

Posted: 17th, November 2006 | In: Tabloids | Comment


Mike Tyson For Hire

“TYSON THE RENT BOY.” The Star wafts its front-page headline beneath its readers’ noses like a vial of smelling salts. The news is that Mike Tyson is for hire. The … (read more)

Posted: 16th, November 2006 | In: Tabloids | Comment


EastEnders Plot Found

PSST! Wanna know what happens next in EastEnders? The Sun says Jonathan Ross’s mum, “veteran extra” Martha Ross, knows. And she has leaked the “top secret” storyline. Martha has told … (read more)

Posted: 16th, November 2006 | In: Tabloids | Comment (1)


War With The Birds

"THEY’RE coming! They’re coming!" The birds are coming. And they will surely do for us all. The Sun announces: “MUTANT FLU – Bird virus ‘will kill 50 million’”. The 60 … (read more)

Posted: 16th, November 2006 | In: Tabloids | Comment


Gran Theft

STOP thief! They went that way. What did they look like? Well, one of them was wearing a plastic hood. The other one had blue hair. The Mirror’s front page … (read more)

Posted: 16th, November 2006 | In: Tabloids | Comment


Posh’s Chip Shape

WHO is Sarah Harding? Why, she is a singer in the popular reality-TV-made cabaret act Girls Aloud. There’s blonde Sarah wearing a leopard-print dress at the royal gala performance of … (read more)

Posted: 15th, November 2006 | In: Tabloids | Comment


Michael Jackson’s No Dummy

“AGE has not yet caught up with Michael Jackson,” says the Mail. “Cosmetic surgery unfortunately has.” As ever, readers are treated to a shot of Jackson’s face. And it is … (read more)

Posted: 15th, November 2006 | In: Tabloids | Comment


Omar Bakri, To Be Sure?

LEBANON calling, Lebanon calling. Come in Britain. Do you read me Tottenham? It’s Omar Bakri, the nation’s favourite mad mullah, they man in the wiry beard, oversized NHS bins and … (read more)

Posted: 15th, November 2006 | In: Broadsheets | Comment


No Escapism

From the BBC, Telegraph and many other papers, comes the news that some prisoners have settled out of court after being forced to go ‘cold turkey’ in prison, which they … (read more)

Posted: 15th, November 2006 | In: Reviews | Comment (1)


Pete Doherty & Liam Gallagher’s Big Idea

PETE Doherty and Liam Gallagher are planning to open a pub. The Star says it is sure that at the venue “there will be Cigarettes and Alcohol all round”. This … (read more)

Posted: 15th, November 2006 | In: Tabloids | Comment


Sparrowhawks Of War

GOOD news for Brian’s Zoroastrian community. Vultures have been sighted in Norfolk, Snowdonia, Bodmin Moor in Cornwall and London. Zoroastrians, who place dead bodies on a dokhma (Tower of Silence) … (read more)

Posted: 15th, November 2006 | In: Uncategorized | Comment


Who Wants To Hug A Millionaire?

“THE night Chris Tarrant learned to laugh again.” It’s the Mail’s front-page news. And reading on we learn that the presenter has been to a charity bash. Tarrant is no … (read more)

Posted: 14th, November 2006 | In: Tabloids | Comment


Sienna Miller Time

Golden Balls A ball signed by the World Cup winning Italy team was bought at a charity auction in Qatar for £1.26million. The winning bid was made by Qatar royal … (read more)

Posted: 14th, November 2006 | In: Royal Family | Comment


Britain’s Golden Melting Pot

“COME TO BRITAIN AND GET RICH,” advertises the front page of the Express. On the face of it, this is no little change of direction for the paper that has … (read more)

Posted: 14th, November 2006 | In: Tabloids | Comment


Tom Cruise’s Collateral Damage

WHAT’S that buzz you hear? No, it’s not the noise of Tom Cruise’s spaceship preparing for lift off. Nor is it the sound of Tom calling Armani and demanding to … (read more)

Posted: 14th, November 2006 | In: Reviews | Comment


Nursery State

“POSTMAN Pat, Postman Pat, Postman Pat and his black and white cat/ Early in the evening/ Just as the pub is opening/ He picks up all the post bags in … (read more)

Posted: 14th, November 2006 | In: Tabloids | Comment


Tony’s Road To Damascus

MORE on Tony Blair’s place in history now as the Times brings news of his speech last night to the Lord Mayor’s banquet at Guildhall. “Iran and Syria can be … (read more)

Posted: 14th, November 2006 | In: Uncategorized | Comment


Tom Cruise Controls Beckham

MISSION Impossible: Turn David Beckham into a star of the silver-screen. The former England football captain is already a matinee idol, notably when Real Madrid play a lunchtime kick-off. But … (read more)

Posted: 13th, November 2006 | In: Tabloids | Comment


Reach For The Wheel

“I’M BACK!” says the Mirror’s front page. “The Hamster drives again.” Britain’s latest loveable loser is back behind the wheel of his car. The Mirror says “The Hamster chose his … (read more)

Posted: 13th, November 2006 | In: Tabloids | Comment


A Near Miss

EVERY day of every week the Mail thinks up imaginative ways to remind you that life is cruel and you are going to experience pain and die. And if it … (read more)

Posted: 13th, November 2006 | In: Tabloids | Comment


Christian Soldiers

“LET very ill newborns die, declares Church,” says the Mail’s headline. It’s the Bishop of Southwark, Tom Butler, and he says that financial costs should form part of the discussion … (read more)

Posted: 13th, November 2006 | In: Tabloids | Comment


Britney & Kevin Get Dirty

AS Hollywood rules dictate, after the wedding must come the divorce. And before the first kiss, there must be a pre-nuptial agreement signed by all parties and witness by Messers … (read more)

Posted: 13th, November 2006 | In: Tabloids | Comment


All A Lohan

All A Lohan Hollywood starlet Lindsay Lohan has, reportedly, been barred from performing at a charity fundraising event because her image is not in keeping with the tone of the … (read more)

Posted: 10th, November 2006 | In: Royal Family | Comment


Wine Con

MARTIN Isark is an oenophile. Hanging might well be too good for him, but for now the wine expert risks incurring the wrath of illiterate kiddie-protectors and wine makers by … (read more)

Posted: 10th, November 2006 | In: Uncategorized | Comment