Back pages | Anorak - Part 51

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Premier League news. Stories from the newspapers and BBC sport – sports news from tabloids Daily Mail, Daily Express, Daily Star, the Guardian, Daily Mirror, the times, daily telegraph

Chinese Children Named Olympic Games

BEATS Wembley: “More than 4,000 children in China have been given the name Aoyun, meaning Olympic Games, in the past 15 years.”

Posted: 11th, June 2008 | In: Back pages | Comments (4)

Robert Dee Says He Is Not World’s Worst Tennis Player

bad-tennis.jpgNOT all British sportsmen are happy to be hapless losers. Eddie The Eagle does not play tennis:

Lawyers representing a British tennis player yesterday began libel proceedings against three media organisations following the publication of stories claiming that the 21-year-old was the world’s worst professional in his sport.

Libel writs have been lodged at London’s high court against Daily Mail publisher Associated Newspapers, news agency Reuters and Independent News and Media, owner of the Independent titles.

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Posted: 11th, June 2008 | In: Back pages, Broadsheets, Tabloids | Comment (1)

Luiz Felipe Scolari At Chelsea

CHELSEA have named Luiz Felipe Scolari as their new manager.

Here’s what the papers said this morning:

Chelsea are set to receive a second snub from AC Milan boss Carlo Ancelotti, who they want as their new manager. (Daily Mirror)

But Portugal manager Luiz Felipe Scolari has hinted that he may be ready to ‘live and work in another country’, increasing speculation he could be about to join Chelsea. (Daily Mail).


Posted: 11th, June 2008 | In: Back pages | Comments (26)

Euro 2008: The News In Full

euro20082.jpgIT’S Euro2008 and the Sun is celebrating with a cavalcade of footy news:

“I ROO – Wayne & Coleen get ready to wed.”

“SELL RONALDO? I’LL EAT MY HAT” – Manchester United boos Alex Ferguson is on a sun lounger talking on a mobile phone. “Bread devil… boss scoffs toastie.”

“Snore away..Sir Alex nods off”

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Posted: 10th, June 2008 | In: Back pages, Tabloids | Comments (7)

Gemma Atkinson’s Kebab Fillers

gemma-atkinson-kebab.jpgHAS the Sun written the line that best sums up tabloid reporting? Your views please:

BOOZED-UP telly babe Gemma Atkinson has stunned customers in a kebab shop – by bragging she turned down £8MILLION to show off her boobs.

For those of you interested in the full tableau, the Sun journeys to the First Base kebab shop in Bury, Greater Manchester where a lad is asking a surgically enhanced Atkinson: “Get your t*ts out!”

Says Gemma, in the company of her footballer Marcus Bent: “You are being rude. I have turned down showing my breasts for f***ing £8million.”

Anorak is uncertain of the going rate for breasts, but believes a pair can be bought for less than that sum, although what with the add-ons and optional extras, costs can mount up…

Posted: 9th, June 2008 | In: Back pages, Tabloids | Comments (4)

The Polish Tabloids Are Coming

polish-tabloids.jpgTHE Sun is in Polish but does Poland need the Sun?

To the pages of Poland’s Express newspaper and its pictures of Poland’s Dutch coach, Leo Beenhakker, clutching the bloodied heads of German footballers Michael Ballack and Joachim Löw.

Katarzyna Kopacz, editor of UK Polish website, says: “They’ve taken the journalist who ran our internet portal and they also have three journalists from Polish Express.”

Might the Polski Sun be a belated attempt to compete with Polish organs which show signs of beating the British tablids at their own game?

Posted: 7th, June 2008 | In: Back pages, Photojournalism, Tabloids | Comment

Euro 2008: Geoff Hurst’s Guide To German Fans

geoff-hurst.jpgEURO 2008 kicks off today and having sportingly stepped aside to allow the lesser nations get used to our game, Britishers are being encouraged to teach the foreigners how to be a fan.

Today the Sun focuses on Geoff Hurst, that tabloid totem who appears at each international tournament to show us his World Cup winner’s medal.

Make that Geoff Herrst, who is pictured wearing the black, red and yellow of Germany and saying who he vill be cheering on zer Hun this zummer.

“Come on you Germans,” says Geoff. “A few people may raise their eyebrows, but you’ve got to fancy them, haven’t you? Their record in World Cups and European Championships is fantastic.”

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Posted: 7th, June 2008 | In: Back pages, Tabloids | Comment

The Polski Sun In English

miss-poland-2008.jpgTHE Sun has published an issue in Polish. The Polski Sun’s arrival coincides with Euro2008.

The Sun will win over the Polish community with tales of Page 3 stunskis, Skyski satellite dishes and Germans.

The front page features a blonde woman draped in red and white and a headline that surely translates to “COME ON YOU POLES”.

All is written in Polish, but what with it being the Sun English readers may not realise and think Sun columnists like Jeremy Clarkson and John Gaunt are being ironic…

Posted: 7th, June 2008 | In: Back pages, Tabloids | Comments (2)

Gazza 2008: Sheryl’s Shoulder, Tough Love, And George Best

euro20081.jpgWITH no British teams in Euro 2008, the tabloids’ summer of football focuses on Paul Gascoigne’s troubles.

It’s early days in Gazza 2008, and over in the Sun, Alex Best, ex-wife of resting footballer George Best, is invited to say: “It’s a mirror image of George.” (Best ended his days looking like the mirror image of television’s Grandpa Simpson.)

Ever since George Best died the Sun has been looking for a new famous footballer to pity and plead with not to die lest it have one less thing to write about.

But can Gazza last the summer? The Mirror hopes so and watches “SAVIOUR SHERYL – Gazza ex-wife rushes to help him beat crisis.”

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Posted: 5th, June 2008 | In: Back pages, Tabloids | Comment

China Bans Six Types Of Foreigner During Beijing Olympics

THE Olympics are coming and the Beijing Olympic Organizing Committee (BOCOG) duly issued a set of “legal guidelines” for foreigners visiting China during the Games.

Please note the list of six types of foreigners that are not welcome.


(Picture: Beau Bo D’Or Website)

Writes the Shanghai Daily:

OVERSEAS visitors suspected of working in the sex trade, of smuggling drugs or belonging to a terrorist organization will not be allowed to enter China during the 2008 Beijing Olympics, organizers of the Games said today.

Foreigners with mental or epidemic diseases, including tuberculosis and leprosy, will also not be issued visas to visit China…

BOCOG has had to apologise for a training manual for using “inappropriate language” of people with disabilities:

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Posted: 4th, June 2008 | In: Back pages, Politicians | Comments (2)

Don’t Die Paul Gascoigne

euro2008.jpgPAUL Gascoigne, don’t die!

That’s the tabloids’ cri de coeur this morning as the Mirror (“GAZZA LOCKED UP FOR HIS WON SAFETY”), Sun (“QUIT BOOZE OR YOU’LL DIE GAZZA”) and Star (“GAZZA LOCKED UP IN ASYLUM FOR 3 MONTHS”), lead with news of the “troubled” (all papers) former England footballer.

It’s usually the job of columnists to lament the tragic decline of the footballing “genius” who rarely if ever spoke a sentient word, but life after the game is tough, and there is no shortage of former players lining up to kick start their media careers with a few words about poor Gazza.

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Posted: 4th, June 2008 | In: Back pages, Tabloids | Comments (5)

Those Euro 2008 News Updates In Full

euro-2008-george-sampson.pngIT promises to be a footy-tastic summer for Britishers on the sofas and playas as they break off a game against the Waiters XI and cheer on the Germans.

The BBC TV trail for the big summer of football wonders what team you’ll be pumping for. As a guide, the Beeb’s Richard Bacon is gunning for Greece because he likes feta cheese and the Greek’s zero-tolerance policy on drugs.

BBC Five Live voice Shelagh Fogarty opts for Spain because she’s been there and as Sylvia Vrethammar’s No.1 fan knows all the words to Y Viva Espana (“I’d like to shag a matador”) ; and Simon Mayo is rooting and a tootin’ for the Dutch because they are – get this – “very entertaining people”, for whom the  cheap drugs and rented sex are just the warm-up acts.

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Posted: 3rd, June 2008 | In: Back pages, TV & Radio | Comments (4)

Watching Paul Gascoigne

gazzabreasts.jpgSO concerned is the Star for Paul Gascoigne that once more it shines a flash light on his “troubled” head and hints that he might be dead before too long.

“GAZZA: THE END,” says the headline, words writ in funereal jet black ink. “Sectioned yet again & drunk for a month. Yesterday he gives up.”

“Save our Gazza,” says the Mirror, the Sun’s “troubled England clown”.

“PLEASE SAVE HIM,” pleads the Sun’s front-page headline. “Dazed and confused … Paul Gascoigne slumps in chair,” says the caption to a picture of Gascoigne sitting in a hairdresser’s chair.

Were this chair a dentist’s chair Gazza would be tipped back and liquor poured down his neck by a bevy of topless footballers.

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Posted: 3rd, June 2008 | In: Back pages, Tabloids | Comments (5)

The Baseball Cap Bandits: Profiting From The Proceeds Of Crime Act

baseball-caps.jpgMUSA Mohammed, 20, of Southfields, London, has pleaded guilty at Kingston Crown Court to four counts of possession with intent to supply Class A substances (heroin and cocaine) and one count under POCA legislation.

That’s his mugshot on the left. It’s one for the album. You will observe the lack of head paraphernalia.

Under the terms of the Proceeds of Crime Act, Mohammed’s “collection” of thirty baseball caps and trainers were nick-nicked.

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Posted: 2nd, June 2008 | In: Back pages | Comments (2)

Best Football Message Of The Season

THE best football message of the season so far – over the Tannoy:

“Can the people trying to break into the boardroom please be aware you are on CCTV.”

At Mansfield.

Posted: 2nd, June 2008 | In: Back pages | Comments (2)

Celebrity Headline Of The Day: The Crisp Cheryl Cole

dorito-cheryl-cole.jpgCELEBRITY HEADLINE of the day: “Cheryl Cole rubbishes weight worries and tucks into crisps”

The Mirror brings news of Cheryl Cole, wife to vomitous footballer Ashley Cole and singer with the Girls Aloud cabaret act:

Finally. Cheryl Cole proves Girls are Aloud to eat – by tucking into a big bag of Doritos all on her own.

Surely dipping in? – Ed…

Posted: 2nd, June 2008 | In: Back pages, Celebrities, Tabloids | Comment

John Terry’s Nuremberg Trial, By Matt Dickinson

john-terry-hoolcaust.jpgJOHN Terry is restored to greatness with a headed goal in England’s 2-0 victory over Team USA, a fine footballing nation whose legends are known to all soccerball fans: Pele, Beckham, Beckenbauer.

And he has suffered much. Matt Dickinson, the Times’ chief sports correspondent, puts that Champions’ League failure in perspective:

“Avram Grant, the Chelsea first team coach, has a perspective on life because of the traumas his family suffered in the Holocaust, but even he was struggling to find the words to ease the pain of Terry, who was white with shock.”

Terry missed a penalty – unlike those Germans who never miss, unless they are at Nuremberg…

Posted: 29th, May 2008 | In: Back pages, Broadsheets | Comment (1)

Coleen McLoughlin Flees To New York

wedding-dress.jpegPANIC! Coleen McLoughlin has had to make an emergency dash to New York just two weeks before her wedding to Wayne Rooney.

So says the Mail. But why? Because, dear readers, her £100,000 Marchesa dress no longer fits.

A source says Coleen had to “sneak out” of the country and into New York, possibly under the cloak of darkness and disguised as an Islamic fundamentalist to avoid arousing suspicion. She may have worn an oversized baseball cap to fit in, with a W and C entwined on the front, or some other logo that she’s working on.

But some how the press got wind of it, and the entire mad-cap drama threatens to steal the thunder from her £3 million OK!-sponsored wedding.

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Posted: 28th, May 2008 | In: Back pages, OK!, Tabloids | Comments (2)

Fabio Capello Speaks English

capello1.jpgFAB Crapello, sorry, Fabio Capello (pardona nortra Eyyetalliano)) is speaking English in public for the first time, says the Express.

Capello is at Arsenal’s training ground, where he is taking his “oral exams”. Tonight Crapello’s Inglanda are taking on the might of the deliciosa-icy-creama USA.

The thought of watching the effete and palsied England take on a team for whom football is what you play when you’re too short for basketball, too slim for baseball and too scared for ice hockey pales in comparison to hearing Capello spika da Inglish.

Says he: “Sure, they won’t be fresh like the USA players, but we need to play with intensity and it’s possible to do that for one hour or 70 minutes.”

There is a chance that Capello has learned that sentence off by heart and in his mind might be ordering a drink at the local rubba-dubba or telling a taxi cabba to take him to see the Queen at Buckingham Palace.

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Posted: 28th, May 2008 | In: Back pages, Tabloids | Comments (10)

EDF Energy Cuts Power To Olympics

korbut.jpgEDF Energy says it wants to use the 2012 Olypic Games as a “turning point” in the fight against climate change.

In 2012, we’ll give up and just allow the planet to change without our interference.

The campaign, which launches on May 26, will promotes EDF Energy’s role as the first sustainability partner of the London Olympics and encourages consumers to save energy by visiting its site. It will run across TV, radio and digital activity.

Save energy by watching the telly and then turning on the web. The ads feature former champions running on a giant wheel hooked up to a dynamo. Champions like Olga Korbut, a resident of Scottsdale, Arizona, where the average temperatures are:

May 93.6; June 103.5; July 105.9; August 103.7; and September 98.3.”

Korbut has developed a program for adults using basic gymnastics warm-up exercises.

Like flying to London -which means everyone warms up…

Posted: 26th, May 2008 | In: Back pages, Online-PR | Comment

We’re Not Going On An Olympic Holiday

ALL change. The No. 16 to Beijing will not be stopping at Beijing.

Proposals to send a red double-decker bus by road from London to China, to coincide with the Olympics, have been dropped after critics derided the idea as a gimmick and a waste of almost half a million pounds…

Taxpayers will still pay more than half the bill for the project, lauded by Ken Livingstone, because of the expense incurred in planning the journey and hiring bus drivers.

The move comes as Boris Johnson, the new Mayor of London, launches an Olympics cost-cutting drive and says that as few officials as possible would be attending the Games.

Mr Livingstone claimed that the Beijing trip would highlight London’s public transport system to the world, via one of its most recognisable symbols, and help to forge ties with China.

It was cancelled last week by London 2012 organisers and Transport for London (TfL), which funded the journey, in the wake of the earthquake in Sichuan province.

The trip, which was to be undertaken by eight drivers at a cost of £450,000, was considered to be unsafe and in bad taste, given the scale of the disaster. However, given that Mr Johnson had denounced it during the election campaign as a publicity stunt and a “ludicrous waste of public money”, the decision was regarded by his aides as a “happy coincidence”.

A spokesman for Mr Johnson said: “He was already very sceptical about it and in need of persuading, but TfL and the Olympics board reflected on the earthquake and decided to pull it anyway.”

Mr Johnson scrapped another facet of Mr Livingstone’s legacy when he axed a controversial tie-up with Venezuela, and half-price bus and tram travel for some of the capital’s least well-off. Mr Livingstone signed a deal with the South American nation’s state-owned oil company last year, agreeing to provide transport advice in return for a 20 per cent cut in TfL’s bus fuel bill.

The savings were used to offer discount fares to around 250,000 people on income support.

At the launch of his successful campaign to oust the two-term Labour Mayor, Mr Johnson called the deal with Venezuela’s President Hugo Chavez “completely Caracas”.

No room up top – although it’s empty…

Posted: 26th, May 2008 | In: Back pages, Broadsheets, Politicians | Comment

Liverpool Daily Post Celebrates Big Night Of Football

WORDSDEPARTMENT spots something in the The Liverpool Daily Post:

EVERTON youngsters are celebrating a fine tournament success after winning the under-13s girls Premier League Schools Tournament…

“In fairness, they did mention the Champion’s League final in passing. It was part of a story about a £1.5m cash bonus for Everton thanks to the fine print in Wayne Rooney’s transfer deal to Man United in 2004.”

Calm down…


Posted: 26th, May 2008 | In: Back pages, Tabloids | Comment

Alex Ferguson Loves Coleen

“FERGIE: I LOVE COLEEN,” says the Sun’s front page, and we see a picture of the puce Alex Ferguson and another of Wayne Rooney’s lover Coleen McLoughlin.

He much prefers Wayne and Coleen because they are “a different class”.

A different class to what, the rest of mankind? Has Fergie been studying biology, in which case it’s different classification, rather then class?

Posted: 26th, May 2008 | In: Back pages, Tabloids | Comment

The Purple Emporor: Fergie Loves Coleen McLoughlin

alexferguson.jpg“FERGIE: I LOVE COLEEN,” says the Sun’s front page, and we see a picture of the puce Alex Ferguson and another of Wayne Rooney’s lover Coleen McLoughlin.

He much prefers Wayne and Coleen because they are “a different class”.

A different class to what, the rest of mankind? Has Fergie been studying biology, in which case it’s different classification, rather then class?

Over in the Sun, Coleen and Wayne are making preparations for their marriage.
Fifty guests at an Italian clifftop abbey — “visible only from the sea”, and in OK! — will each be given a hand-made box tied with a ribbon and containing a live butterfly.

On the command “f*** off you Portuguese w*anker” guests will then open their containers and watch the creatures flutter away.

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Posted: 26th, May 2008 | In: Back pages, Tabloids | Comment

Who Bares Sins: SAS Action With Tania Zaetta, Andy McNab And John Terry

tania_zaetta.jpgTANIA Zaetta is, says the Sun, best known in Australia for hosting her daredevil action girl show Who Dares Wins.

In papers released by the Australian MoD, four members of that country’s special forces claim to have bedded Tania on her moral boosting trip to Afghanistan – “and had photos and video to prove it”.

Ms Zaetta denies all claims.

In such moments it is customary for the Sun to summon its shadowy Defence Expert Andy McNab and hear what visiting celebs and glamour models can and cannot do in the battle zone.

But McNab is otherwise employed, dispatched on a mission to answer the question:

“FOOTBALL hardman John Terry blubbed like a baby after his scuffed spot-kick helped lose Chelsea the Champions League trophy in a nail-biting shootout. But is it ever okay for sportsmen to cry?”

McNab, who last cried when he wanted to test if the canoe he’d fashion from a hollowed out Iraqi was seaworthy says:

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Posted: 23rd, May 2008 | In: Back pages, Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (6)