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Premier League news. Stories from the newspapers and BBC sport – sports news from tabloids Daily Mail, Daily Express, Daily Star, the Guardian, Daily Mirror, the times, daily telegraph

Cristiano Ronaldo Puts End To Manchester United Speculation

ronaldo-cristiano.bmpCRISTIANO Ronaldo, Manchester United’s winger who before an appearance on Celebrity Come Dancing – he’s but a step over from a cha-cha-cha – will play for Real Madrid. Or not.Here’s the news:

Sky: Ronaldo – I want to stay

Daily Mirror: Cristiano Ronaldo pledges to stay at Manchester United

Daily Telegraph: “Cristiano Ronaldo happy to keep options open


Guardian: “I will decide next week whether I stay or go, says unsteady Ronaldo

The Sun:” The Portugal superstar, 23, finally quashed all the speculation about his future — which has been driven by Real Madrid’s fanzines”

And many, many more…

Posted: 23rd, May 2008 | In: Back pages | Comments (11)

Paul Gascoigne’s £10,000 French Stick

gascoigne.jpgRISING commodity prices and now the news that Paul Gascoigne has bought a loaf of bread for £10,000.

Gascoigne is said to be “starving”. He is also said to be “tragic”, “bleary-eyed”, “tortured”, “gaunt” and “stumbling”.

But above all else he is hungry (surely “a genius” – Ed). As the Star says: “The football legend tried to cash a cheque for £10,000 to buy food at an all-night shop.”

Geordies already working out the number of kebabs and polystyrene pots of curry sauce ten grand can get you by the Bigg Market should know that their sacred son was in the West End of London.

Says the Star: “Confused Gazza, who made the cheque out to himself, claimed his cash card had been stolen. The shopkeeper took pity on the ex-England ace and gave him a French bread stick.”

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Posted: 23rd, May 2008 | In: Back pages, Tabloids | Comments (2)

Jordan To Compete In 2012 Olympics

jordan-olympics.jpgIT’S the 2012 Olympic Games and the rider enters the arena. No more than 23 seconds later the horse she is sat upon emerges.

“Katie Andre-Price-Jordan-Rooney-Windsor riding Dana,” comes the announcer’s brogue.

Dana is dressed for the occasion in a pink cowboy hat, Swarovski-encrusted bikini and white leather boots.

News in the Sun is that pop acorn Peter Andre has bought Kaite a horse, and that she plans to ride it in the Olympic dressage.

Says a pal: “Katie loves training and riding her horses but wants to take it a step further. It’s her dream to compete in a dressage competition at the Olympics.”

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Posted: 22nd, May 2008 | In: Back pages, Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (4)

Arsenal Calling: Ashley Cole Fails To Win Champions’ League

ARSENAL calling. Arsenal calling. Come in, Ashley Cole. Come in, Ashley Cole…

Cheryl Cole… Aimee Walton…Brooke Healy…

Your boy took one hell of a beating… 

Posted: 21st, May 2008 | In: Back pages | Comment

The wOmen Of The Mosely Nazi Orgy

ALL the women from the Max Mosley Nazi Orgy

Posted: 21st, May 2008 | In: Back pages | Comment

Arsenal Fans Wish Ashley Cole Best Of Luck

ashley-cole.jpg“MADMAN Claude Makelele handed Chelsea a huge Champions League scare when his two-footed lunge left Ashley Cole crocked last night,” notes the Sun.

England left-back Cole was treated for 15 minutes by medical staff during a training session in the Luzhniki Stadium…Cole, 27, tried to carry on training but quickly pulled up again.

Missing the final would be a cruel blow for Cole.

Arsenal fans keen to wish Ashley all the best can so hereunder…

Posted: 21st, May 2008 | In: Back pages, Tabloids | Comment

The Best TV Football Chant Ever

CHELSEA and Manchester United fans flocking into Red Square may be wondering what they should be singing.

The Surrey Blues may enthuse about vegetables and the Cockney Reds about doing the Lambeth Walk, but they should know that the top tune on the football terraces is Nessun Dorma.

The Performing Right Society survey of radio and telly found that Luciano (“You fat bastard”) Pavarotti’s performance of the aria is the most widely-played football song.
Arsenal’s 1998 FA Cup Final song Hot Stuff was No2 ahead of DJ Otzi’s 2002 World Cup remix Hey Baby.

Fans may well scratch their heads. Anorak’s own survey of televised football matches, songs heard on live broadcasts, reveals that the top football songs are:

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Posted: 21st, May 2008 | In: Back pages, Tabloids | Comments (12)

Joey Barton Sentenced To Six Months Jail

PREMIERSHIP footballer Joey Barton has been jailed for six months after admitting assault and affray.

Posted: 20th, May 2008 | In: Back pages | Comments (4)

Down In The Dumps: Portsmouth’s Glen Johnson Medal Stolen

toilet-seat-big.jpgTWO Portsmouth footballers have had their FA Cup winners’ medals stolen.

One is Jamie Ashdown, the other Glen Johnson, who is “devastated” and, as the Sun says, “gutted”.

Says Johnson: “It is something you want to treasure for your whole life and show your kids and grandkids.

This is Portsmouth full-back Glen Johnson, who in 2007 entered a B&Q in Dartford, Kent, and was caught trying to steal bathroom fittings.

Johnson was spotted by a security guard secreting a toilet seat into a box with a cheaper price tag. Aided by Millwall striker Ben May, he also hid a set of taps underneath a sink at the checkout to avoid paying for them.

The player, once heralded as a future player, and had been bought by Chelsea for £7million, was, reportedly, caught by a 74-year-old security guard. The events offered insight into his mental and physical condition.

Johnson was dined £80. And he explained:

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Posted: 20th, May 2008 | In: Back pages, Tabloids | Comments (4)

Double Amputee Oscar Pistorius Can Run In The Olympics

DOUBLE-amputee sprinter Oscar Pistorius has won his appeal Friday and can compete for a place in the Beijing Olympics.

The Court of Arbitration for Sport ruled that the 21-year-old South African is eligible to race against able-bodied athletes, overturning a ban imposed by the International Association of Athletics Federations.

CAS said the unanimous ruling goes into effect immediately.

“I am ecstatic,” Pistorius told reporters in Milan, Italy. “When I found out, I cried. It is a battle that has been going on for far too long. It’s a great day for sport. I think this day is going to go down in history for the equality of disabled people.”

Pistorius should compete. And other athletes should go hard on him. Going easy on the South African would be a violation of the sporting ethos: to do your best.

Why not let him run?

And if he wins Olympic Gold? Well, the naysayers who bemoan his “advantage” will worry at the possibilty of other athletes chopping off their limps to win?

No bother. Let them. Athletes already deform their bodies – with drugs…


Posted: 16th, May 2008 | In: Back pages | Comments (26)

FA Cup Final Preview: Meet The Players

sulley-muntari.jpgIT’S the FA Cup final tomorrow, and Portsmouth are taking on Cardiff City.

Just time, then, to introduce you to some of the names you may be less than familiar with.

The Sun kicks off with Sulley Muntari, the Portsmouth striker.

Muntari signed for Portsmouth from Italian club Udinese for £7million in 2007. He is dating Miss Universe 2004 agonist Menaye Donkor.

And he has been sleeping with Amanda Jones, who he met at a lap-dance club in sunny Bournemouth.

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Posted: 16th, May 2008 | In: Back pages, Tabloids | Comment (1)

The Football Focus Jihad: Rangers And The Suicide Bombers

football-hooligan.jpg“DESPICABLE,” says the Mirror. “A pack of drunken football fans hunts down and batters a cop. Once again our national game is left lying in the gutter.”

Turns out the Independent got it wrong, although let us not be hasty and rule out the chance that the Rangers fans were intimidating the smaller Russian contingent and so preventing more mayhem.

While the Mirror salivates over the “carnage”, we wonder how much worse it could have been? And we learn in the Sun of Ibrahim Savant who, allegedly, produced a martyrdom suicide video and labelled it “Football Focus”.

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Posted: 16th, May 2008 | In: Back pages, Tabloids | Comment

No Drinking In Moscow For Manchester United And Chelsea Fans

CHELSEA and Manchester United fans listen: there’s no alcohol in Moscow:

Russia’s minister of sport has promised an unprecedented police presence, a ban on public drinking and the absence of outdoor TV screens to keep order when more than 42,000 Chelsea and Manchester United supporters descend on Moscow for the Champions League final.

A ban on public drinking?

“Drinking in public areas is not allowed under Russian law but there are plenty of places where consumption can take place,” said Alexey Sorokin, head of Russia’s Champions League organising committee.

Like in shop doorways, on benches, in teh gutter – which are all private…

Posted: 16th, May 2008 | In: Back pages, Broadsheets | Comment (1)

Obama Wants Debate With Jihadists Who Blow Up Children

obama_and_ahmadinejad.jpgHOW do you debate this, Barack Obama?

A young girl carrying explosives that killed her, an Iraqi captain and injured four soldiers was blown up by remote control, officials said today.

The incident happened as she approached an Iraqi command post in Youssifiyah, south Baghdad, earlier this morning.

Iraqi army Lieutenant Ahmed Ali confirmed that the girl, who had hidden explosives strapped to her, was the cause of the blast …

“The bomber was detonated by remote control, killing Captain Wassem al-Maamouri and injuring four soldiers,” Ali added.

Says George Bush, widely regarded as an idiot:

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Posted: 15th, May 2008 | In: Back pages, Politicians | Comments (5)

Enlightened Glasgow Rangers Teach Zenit Thugs To Unite For Common Good

glasgow-rangers-zenit.jpg“EUROPE’S most racist fans come to Britain (and there’s not a black player in sight),” says the Independent.

Tonight it’s the Uefa Cup final and Glasgow Rangers are taking on Zenit St Petersburg at the City of Manchester Stadium.

In a bid to give Zenit some kind of face, the Indy shows one of the club’s fans dressed in a balaclava and wearing a black leather glove and no shirt. He looks not unlike Michael Jackson trying to negotiate a typical British summer.

But he is, we are assured, a rabid thug, a hooligan the likes of which British football has never seen, moreover an enlightened club like Glasgow Rangers.

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Posted: 14th, May 2008 | In: Back pages, Broadsheets | Comment (1)

F1 More Popular Than Besancenot’s Trotskyism

NOTES The Croydonian: “At least judging by last weekend’s viewing figures, with the Turkish GP attracting more viewers than an interview with my old mate Olivier Besancenot.”

Who would have thunk it? 


Posted: 14th, May 2008 | In: Back pages, Politicians | Comment

Premier League’s Got Talent: Wags Special

joanna-taylor.jpgTHE football season is over at last, and the Wag season can begin in earnest.

Although the summer streets of Vienna will not be echoing to the lilting cackle of England’s First XI on a meet and greet for Euro 2008, Joanna Taylor, Wag to her footballer Danny Murphy, is making do.

“I was so proud of Danny on Sunday and not just because of his performance on the pitch,” says Joanna, cradling a ball under her arm in the Sun.

Danny scored for Fulham, thus enabling the Cottagers to remain in the Premier League, and sparing Joanna lunch with women who live in Hull, Ipswich and Preston.

“The previous day Danny had also played a blinder at home by being a brilliant husband and a caring dad.”

It turns out that Joanna and her footballer’s daughter, Mya, was ill with a virus. She is now much better, thank you.

Danny is a “hands-on dad”. Danny is mad about his son, from a pervious relationship. Danny stayed “strong for me” after two IVF attempts at pregnancy.

Nice one, Danny.

And he gives us an idea. The Premier League is a carve up between the richest teams and their richer owners. English football needs shaking up.

So here is Anorak’s new Premier League’s Got Talent, in which players and Wags step forward to say why they should win.

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Posted: 13th, May 2008 | In: Back pages, Tabloids | Comments (2)

Daily Mail Heels Jeanette Rooney

rooney2.jpgLAST seen lumbering from the sea in images not seen since Saving Private Ryan, Jeanette Rooney, mother to Wayne Rooney (footballer), is in the Mail once again.

The new Jeanette is seven stone lighter then the old Jeanette, slimed down in time for her son’s wedding to Coleen McLoughlin.

To the untrained eye Jeanette look just fine, but how does he feel?

The Mail invites a Dr Alex Karadis, a plastic surgeon billed as “leading”, to appraise Jeanette.

The skin around her arms is “ragged and loose”. She could do “more to improve her FACE”. The skin is “really saggy and lined”.

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Posted: 13th, May 2008 | In: Back pages, Tabloids | Comments (4)

Fulham Beat The Drop With Viagra

fulham.gifTENSE times at Fulham FC, where the team are staring relegation in the face.

For beating the drop, Fulham owner Mohammed Al Fayed has promised his players a hamper of Viagra and caviar.

Play up Fulham. Play up, play up and play the game.

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Posted: 12th, May 2008 | In: Back pages, Tabloids | Comments (3)

Manchester United Turn Brass Into Silver

toilet-roll-manchester-united.jpgAS the football pundits wonder if the Premier League has become predictable, as they are contracted to wonder every year, the Star tells its readers that Manchester United’s success was down to “HOOKERS”.

Not “those slags” as fans to other football club may care to label United’s players, but actual hookers, or prostitutes as the British press used to call them.

Expecting puns on tackles, keepie-uppies and changing ends at half time, Anorak is instead introduced to a chant from the Surrey bank managers, Ipswich schoolboys and prawn sandwich enthusiasts and anyone else who makes up the United faithful.

The song, a tribute to Ronaldo, Nani and Anderson, who all rented prostitutes back in September, goes like this (to the tune of Black Lace’s Agadoo):

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Posted: 12th, May 2008 | In: Back pages, Tabloids | Comment

Jamie Redknapp And Loiuse’s Title Expectations

louiseredknapp.jpgBIG news in the Star that Louise Redknapp, wife to footballer-turned-nodding head Jamie Redknapp, is expecting a baby.

Happy days, and what better time to remember a few of Jamie’s bon mots.

Today Jamie is considering the Premiership title race between Chelsea and Manchester United:

It’s still in Chelsea’s hands because if they win today they have to hope that Man Utd slip up.”

Are you listening, junior? Can you hear daddy?

Posted: 9th, May 2008 | In: Back pages, Tabloids | Comment

Natalie Undressed: Wayne Rooney’s Cousin’s Tribute To Gascoigne

natalie-rooney.jpgIS that Wayne Rooney sporting a massive pair of comedy breasts?

We will each of us react to news of Gazza’s death in our own way, and good on Wayne for invoking his formative footballing memories of 1990 and all that.

But the Sun says it’s not Wayne, rather Natalie Rooney, Wayne’s cousin launching her career as a glamour model.

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Posted: 8th, May 2008 | In: Back pages, Tabloids | Comments (2)

Bianca Reports On Paul Gazza Gascoigne’s Death

gascoignes.jpgPAUL Gascoigne is “DEAD”.

It’s the Star’s front-page news.

And while the businessmen at White Hart Lane and St James’s Park set about creating their Gascoigne Bars and lauding the hero with commemorative shirts, cocktails and compilation DVDs, the tributes are flooding in.

Here are some entries in Anorak’s Book of Condolences:

King Harald V of Norway: We the people of Norway would like to thank Gascoigne for teaching us how to say “Fuck off”. It has proven most useful on trips to the UK and I myself have used on many occasions.

Colin Hendry: “When Gascoigne flicked the ball over my head in Euro ‘96 and scored for the bastard English little did I dream that his action would lead to me becoming the face of the Clydebank Ice-O-Rama and the body of Strachan’s Chest Freezers.

And now Bianca Gascoigne pays tribute, the reality TV starlet finally able to says that she is every bit as talented as her step-father.

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Posted: 8th, May 2008 | In: Back pages, Tabloids | Comments (15)

Compassionate Communism Is Made In China

china-soldier-needles.jpgHAVE those pins really been placed in the collar of the Chinese soldier’s shirt deliberately?

The Mail says so.

Pictures taken at an army base in Shenyang, Liaoning province, show a paramilitary policeman with head erect. Should he move from the approved position his flesh will come into contact with the needles, causing some distress and blood to cascade over his white shirt.

Readers may well believe the Mail has erred and the pins have been left in by error, a mistake many man has made. Anorak suggests they are not needles but nails.

There’s another picture of the soldiers marching with a wooden cross tucked into the back of each of their shiny black belts.

Cover the peaked hats in thorns and we could be looking at China’s fledgling Jesus Army.

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Posted: 8th, May 2008 | In: Back pages, Tabloids | Comment

Private Moments With Harry Kewell And Sheree Murphy

kewell.jpg“WHAT’s stopped you thrusting yourselves into the limelight, like the Beckhams?”

That question to Sheree Murphy and occasional Liverpool footballer Harry Kewell, who features on the front cover of OK! magazine.

“It’s their decision,” says Sheree, who says that she and her footballer got loads of offers but Harry “stayed private”.

Liverpool fans may well nod. They’ve seen little of Harry Kewell in this time at the club, and rumours abound that he not so much shuns the limelight as the light itself.

But here is Harry, at home in his wooden kitchen, with son Taylor dangling round his neck, daughter Ruby sat on the granite worktop and newborn baby Matilda in Sheree’s arms, which stay quite thin (“a lot of it was water”).

These are private moments with the Kewells.

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Posted: 7th, May 2008 | In: Back pages, Celebrities, OK! | Comments (6)