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Premier League news. Stories from the newspapers and BBC sport – sports news from tabloids Daily Mail, Daily Express, Daily Star, the Guardian, Daily Mirror, the times, daily telegraph

Premier League’s Got Talent: Wags Special

joanna-taylor.jpgTHE football season is over at last, and the Wag season can begin in earnest.

Although the summer streets of Vienna will not be echoing to the lilting cackle of England’s First XI on a meet and greet for Euro 2008, Joanna Taylor, Wag to her footballer Danny Murphy, is making do.

“I was so proud of Danny on Sunday and not just because of his performance on the pitch,” says Joanna, cradling a ball under her arm in the Sun.

Danny scored for Fulham, thus enabling the Cottagers to remain in the Premier League, and sparing Joanna lunch with women who live in Hull, Ipswich and Preston.

“The previous day Danny had also played a blinder at home by being a brilliant husband and a caring dad.”

It turns out that Joanna and her footballer’s daughter, Mya, was ill with a virus. She is now much better, thank you.

Danny is a “hands-on dad”. Danny is mad about his son, from a pervious relationship. Danny stayed “strong for me” after two IVF attempts at pregnancy.

Nice one, Danny.

And he gives us an idea. The Premier League is a carve up between the richest teams and their richer owners. English football needs shaking up.

So here is Anorak’s new Premier League’s Got Talent, in which players and Wags step forward to say why they should win.

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Posted: 13th, May 2008 | In: Back pages, Tabloids | Comments (2)

Daily Mail Heels Jeanette Rooney

rooney2.jpgLAST seen lumbering from the sea in images not seen since Saving Private Ryan, Jeanette Rooney, mother to Wayne Rooney (footballer), is in the Mail once again.

The new Jeanette is seven stone lighter then the old Jeanette, slimed down in time for her son’s wedding to Coleen McLoughlin.

To the untrained eye Jeanette look just fine, but how does he feel?

The Mail invites a Dr Alex Karadis, a plastic surgeon billed as “leading”, to appraise Jeanette.

The skin around her arms is “ragged and loose”. She could do “more to improve her FACE”. The skin is “really saggy and lined”.

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Posted: 13th, May 2008 | In: Back pages, Tabloids | Comments (4)

Fulham Beat The Drop With Viagra

fulham.gifTENSE times at Fulham FC, where the team are staring relegation in the face.

For beating the drop, Fulham owner Mohammed Al Fayed has promised his players a hamper of Viagra and caviar.

Play up Fulham. Play up, play up and play the game.

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Posted: 12th, May 2008 | In: Back pages, Tabloids | Comments (3)

Manchester United Turn Brass Into Silver

toilet-roll-manchester-united.jpgAS the football pundits wonder if the Premier League has become predictable, as they are contracted to wonder every year, the Star tells its readers that Manchester United’s success was down to “HOOKERS”.

Not “those slags” as fans to other football club may care to label United’s players, but actual hookers, or prostitutes as the British press used to call them.

Expecting puns on tackles, keepie-uppies and changing ends at half time, Anorak is instead introduced to a chant from the Surrey bank managers, Ipswich schoolboys and prawn sandwich enthusiasts and anyone else who makes up the United faithful.

The song, a tribute to Ronaldo, Nani and Anderson, who all rented prostitutes back in September, goes like this (to the tune of Black Lace’s Agadoo):

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Posted: 12th, May 2008 | In: Back pages, Tabloids | Comment

Jamie Redknapp And Loiuse’s Title Expectations

louiseredknapp.jpgBIG news in the Star that Louise Redknapp, wife to footballer-turned-nodding head Jamie Redknapp, is expecting a baby.

Happy days, and what better time to remember a few of Jamie’s bon mots.

Today Jamie is considering the Premiership title race between Chelsea and Manchester United:

It’s still in Chelsea’s hands because if they win today they have to hope that Man Utd slip up.”

Are you listening, junior? Can you hear daddy?

Posted: 9th, May 2008 | In: Back pages, Tabloids | Comment

Natalie Undressed: Wayne Rooney’s Cousin’s Tribute To Gascoigne

natalie-rooney.jpgIS that Wayne Rooney sporting a massive pair of comedy breasts?

We will each of us react to news of Gazza’s death in our own way, and good on Wayne for invoking his formative footballing memories of 1990 and all that.

But the Sun says it’s not Wayne, rather Natalie Rooney, Wayne’s cousin launching her career as a glamour model.

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Posted: 8th, May 2008 | In: Back pages, Tabloids | Comments (2)

Bianca Reports On Paul Gazza Gascoigne’s Death

gascoignes.jpgPAUL Gascoigne is “DEAD”.

It’s the Star’s front-page news.

And while the businessmen at White Hart Lane and St James’s Park set about creating their Gascoigne Bars and lauding the hero with commemorative shirts, cocktails and compilation DVDs, the tributes are flooding in.

Here are some entries in Anorak’s Book of Condolences:

King Harald V of Norway: We the people of Norway would like to thank Gascoigne for teaching us how to say “Fuck off”. It has proven most useful on trips to the UK and I myself have used on many occasions.

Colin Hendry: “When Gascoigne flicked the ball over my head in Euro ‘96 and scored for the bastard English little did I dream that his action would lead to me becoming the face of the Clydebank Ice-O-Rama and the body of Strachan’s Chest Freezers.

And now Bianca Gascoigne pays tribute, the reality TV starlet finally able to says that she is every bit as talented as her step-father.

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Posted: 8th, May 2008 | In: Back pages, Tabloids | Comments (15)

Compassionate Communism Is Made In China

china-soldier-needles.jpgHAVE those pins really been placed in the collar of the Chinese soldier’s shirt deliberately?

The Mail says so.

Pictures taken at an army base in Shenyang, Liaoning province, show a paramilitary policeman with head erect. Should he move from the approved position his flesh will come into contact with the needles, causing some distress and blood to cascade over his white shirt.

Readers may well believe the Mail has erred and the pins have been left in by error, a mistake many man has made. Anorak suggests they are not needles but nails.

There’s another picture of the soldiers marching with a wooden cross tucked into the back of each of their shiny black belts.

Cover the peaked hats in thorns and we could be looking at China’s fledgling Jesus Army.

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Posted: 8th, May 2008 | In: Back pages, Tabloids | Comment

Private Moments With Harry Kewell And Sheree Murphy

kewell.jpg“WHAT’s stopped you thrusting yourselves into the limelight, like the Beckhams?”

That question to Sheree Murphy and occasional Liverpool footballer Harry Kewell, who features on the front cover of OK! magazine.

“It’s their decision,” says Sheree, who says that she and her footballer got loads of offers but Harry “stayed private”.

Liverpool fans may well nod. They’ve seen little of Harry Kewell in this time at the club, and rumours abound that he not so much shuns the limelight as the light itself.

But here is Harry, at home in his wooden kitchen, with son Taylor dangling round his neck, daughter Ruby sat on the granite worktop and newborn baby Matilda in Sheree’s arms, which stay quite thin (“a lot of it was water”).

These are private moments with the Kewells.

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Posted: 7th, May 2008 | In: Back pages, Celebrities, OK! | Comments (6)

Vinnie Jones Lends Paul Gascoigne A Mahogany Hand

vinniejones-paul-gascoigne.jpgWHEN that photo was taken of Vinnie Jones massaging Paul Gascoigne’s tackle who would have predicted the men’s careers would develop as they have done?

Gascoigne was to don a pair of comedy breasts, tell Norway to f*** off and score a wonderful goal in Euro /96 just to get a drink.

Jones went on to star in a TV advert for the AA and become the one Wimbledon player to go to Hollywood for anything other than a holiday.

Had only some agent spotted Gascoigne’s comedic talents the man could now be fronting Paul Gascoigne’s TV Burp on the magic box.

Do we laugh when reading the Sun’s headline “Gazza was begging in street…he tried to buy a Ferrari then his trouser fell down”? Take care with your reaction. Gazza was wearing no underwear, says the car dealer.

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Posted: 6th, May 2008 | In: Back pages, Celebrities, Tabloids | Comment (1)

Ronaldo’s Scrubbers Leave Stain

brazil_butt.jpgHEADLINE of the day: “Ronaldo: Trannies left stain that will never go away.”

Says Ronaldo of his dalliance with three transvestite prostitutes:

“I cried a lot afterwards…Behind the personality I carry, I’m a normal person and have my weaknesses. Now I have to reconstruct everything. It’s like a house knocked down by a hurricane.”

Or a nasty stain that needs a good scrub…

Posted: 6th, May 2008 | In: Back pages, Tabloids | Comments (5)

Blood Red Square: Violence At Champions League Final

red-square.jpg“FANS FACE RED SQUARE UP,” says the Star, kicking off the tabloids’ traditional jingoistic build up to every big match on foreign soil.

It’s Russian Chelsea v American Manchester United in Moscow and “supporters fear chaos could end in a riot”.

Fear or hope? It’s unclear.

“Violent mafia gangs rule the streets and crooked police ignore drug abuse and prostitution…so will Moscow welcome the 100,000 British football fans for this month’s prestigious Champions’ League final.”

Sounds like they’re well prepared.

Posted: 2nd, May 2008 | In: Back pages, Tabloids | Comments (3)

Lonely Planet Guides And Max Gogarty

Lonely Planet and travel writing comment:

Travel writing died the day Max Gogarty retired.

Posted: 1st, May 2008 | In: Back pages | Comment

The First Ronaldo is Three Times No Lady

ronaldo2.jpgAT the time of writing there are three famous footballers called Ronaldo.

There’s the one with the pony tail, oiled Ian Botham-style finger perm and the buck teeth.

There’s the one who takes an holistic approach to tackling, clutching his entire body when touched by an opposition player.

And there’s Ronaldo, the original Ronaldo, the chubby one with the chipmunk grin who froze in the Paris World Cup final.

News on the Star’s front page is that this Ronaldo has been caught in the company of three transvestites. No, not the AC Milan backline, but Andrea (Andre), Carla and a nameless other we’ll call Nesta.

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Posted: 30th, April 2008 | In: Back pages, Tabloids | Comments (5)

Ronaldo Fights Three Transvestites

RONALDO – the other one; no, the other one – has invited three trannies back to his room, allegedly.

Buck-toothed Brazilian footballer Ronaldo got a little bit more than he bargained for when he invited three prostitutes back to his hotel room on Sunday night. And when we say a little bit more, we’re talking in the genitalia department…

That’s right: they were actually men.

The 3 Ronaldos…

Posted: 29th, April 2008 | In: Back pages | Comment

Ronaldo Fails To Overshadow Nereida Gallardo’s Achievements

nereida-gallardo.jpgMORE insights into Cristiano Ronaldo’s latest keepy-uppy lover Nereida Gallardo, Spain’s foremost Bobby Charlton tribute acts.

She’s Ron’s Bronze Goddess in the Sun, and in the sun, as Nereida poses in a pair of tan knickers, tan breasts and tan buttocks.

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Posted: 29th, April 2008 | In: Back pages, Tabloids | Comments (3)

Bra-vo For Melanie Slade On Wags

melanie-slade-wag.jpgSAYS Melanie Slade, girlfriend to footballer Theo Walcott, of her fellow Wags in FHM magazine:

“I hate the stereotype – the shopping all day long, the short dresses and massive sunglasses. I would never want to be associated with those women. The wannabes who are so desperate to sleep with a footballer have no respect for themselves, no ambition, nothing.”

“Bravo for Theo’s girl,” says the Sun as she poses in FHM, wearing a matching knickers and bra exposed thought a slipped-down and ridden-up grey T-shirt.

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Posted: 28th, April 2008 | In: Back pages, Tabloids | Comment

Why Chelsea Mowerman Sam Bethell Mows With United’s Evra

evra-chelsea.jpgRAINDROPS on roses and whiskers on kittens,
Bright copper kettles and warm woolen mittens,
Brown paper packages tied up with strings,
These are a few of my favourite things…

Not if you’re Sam Bethell, they’re not. And neither are cream-coloured ponies and crisp apple streudels, let alone doorbells and sleigh bells and schnitzel with noodles.

No. When the dog bite, when the bee stings, when he’s feeling sad, Sam simply remembers nights on the beer and tear-ups on the terraces.

The Sun says that the 23-year-old Millwall supporter “lists drinking and books about hooliganism among his favourite things”.

All very informative. But who is Sam Bethall? He’s a supporter of “the best team in London, no, the best team of all” (as Millwall’s club song would have it). But that doesn’t stop him selling his soul every day by working on the ground staff at Stamford Bridge, home of the Lions’ arch-enemies Chelsea.

Not that the “tattooed mowerman” seems unduly bothered. “I sit on a mower watching some of the world’s greatest players play football,” he brags. And he is entitled to feel proud. This, let us not forget, at a ground where large numbers of fans hold “mowermen” in such high esteem that they sing “One Man Went To Mow” for hours on end.

So why is Sam Bethall in the news? Because he was involved in a fracas with Manchester United defender Patrice Evra after the match on Saturday.

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Posted: 28th, April 2008 | In: Back pages, Tabloids | Comments (12)

Carly Zucker Is Nuts For Paul Gascoigne’s Mars Bar

carley-zucker-mars-gascoigne.jpgA PICTURE of Carly Zucker, Wag to Chelsea’s slack-jawed footballer Joe Cole.

Zucker is seen in the Star stepping from a car which is full of Mars branded footballs.

Zucker, dressed in red and black, is the face of the Mars campaign to “get more youngsters playing sport this summer”. And, one imagines, playing sport while fuelled by wholesome confectionary.

And rightly so. Mars bars, as with all fattening, queasy treats, should only be eaten by persons engaged in sporting activity. The wonder is that they don’t come with a free rowing machine or pair of trainers.

The only problem is that Paul Gascoigne and not Zucker should have got the nod to front the campaign. For a period in the 1980s and early 1990s, Gazza was country’s foremost Mars bar muncher.

Gascoigne was routinely pelted with Mars bars at football matches. It was Gazza who once paid £320 for a Mars Bar in a newsagent’s in his home town of Dunston.

It was Gascoigne who in 1989 put his name to the book Daft As A Brush, which featured a nutrition section entitled Keep Fat With Gazza, and “12 exciting ways to eat a Mars Bar” – Number four: “Eat it on a bus.”

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Posted: 25th, April 2008 | In: Back pages, Tabloids | Comment (1)

Les Liaisons Dangereuses: Abbey Clancy Meets Aisleyne Horgan-Wallace

liaisons-crouch-clancy.jpgAS befitting any long-haired lover of a Liverpool footballer, mo-del Abbey Clancy has gone away to “calm down”.

So says the Star, which leads with news of goings on at London’s Valmont club.

Yes, as in Vicomte de Valmont, of Les Liaisons Dangereuses repute. In this modern version of the book, the part of Valmont is played by Big Brother star emeritus Aisleyne Horgan-Wallace (seen on the paper’s front cover in 18th Century knickers and bra).

She is said to have made a “desperate” move for Clancy’s (Marquise de Merteuil) footballer Peter Crouch (Madame de Tourvel or the virginal Cécile de Volanges?).

“I can’t believe Abbey Clancy was trying to f****** start with you,” says one onlooker in halting French.

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Posted: 25th, April 2008 | In: Back pages, Tabloids | Comment

Sky Watch: Ian Wright On The ‘Sinister’ BBC’s Licence Fee

sky-watch.jpgSKY WATCH- Anorak’s occasional look at plugs in Rupert Murdoch’s newspapers for Rupert Murdoch’s Sky TV.

Ian Wright, former BBC football pundit and Sun columnists, is talking about the BBC:

“They put out these sinister adverts about what will happen if you don’t pay the licence fee, then serve up a load of rubbish… If reality dancing shows aren’t your thing then tough luck.

“It’s all right for me because I can pay the licence fee and still afford to pay for Sky”

Should the licence fee be abolished? Rupert..?

Posted: 25th, April 2008 | In: Back pages, Tabloids, TV & Radio | Comments (4)

BBC Hires Steve McClaren’s 2008 Umbrella

mcclaren.jpgSTEVE McClaren, English football’s wally with the brolly, will not be spending Euro 2008 on a sun lounger in the Med, sat beneath his umbrella (rain and sun, the brolly’s got the lot).

Well, not unless BBC Radio Five Live pundit’s can communicate via mobile phone?

New in the Sun is that McClaren has been snapped up by the national broadcaster to give invaluable insight and expert analysis on Euro 2008.

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Posted: 24th, April 2008 | In: Back pages | Comment (1)

There Are No Gays In Football

gay-footballers.jpgTHERE are no gays in football. That’s what Sir Bobby Robson once said, back in the days when he was plain old Bobby. It’s not “conductive” to them, he explained.

Of course, he changed his tune later, and waxed lyrical about the cosmopolitan ways of Barcelona with its ladyboys and what-have-you.

As ever, we tolerant English are ahead of the game. The Latins (as we once called those foreign football types) are still stuck in the dark ages of crumbling terraces catenaccio, racism and homophobia.

“BENDERS AIN’T LIKE BECKHAM,” announces the Star’s rather confusing headline. (Note to younger readers: “bender” is a term for gays that was in common playground parlance when Old Mr Anorak was a nipper.)

It transpires that the disgraced former Juventus chief Luciano Moggi reckons that there are no homosexuals in football because “the football world is not designed for them”. The 69-year-old describes himself as “old school”.

More interesting are the other footballing figures quoted in the article.

It is interesting, for instance, to learn that the former Argentina coach Daniel Passarella was quoted in 1998 as saying he didn’t want any gays or long-haired players in his team. (Passarella captained his country to victory in the 1978 World Cup – unquestionably the team with the longest hair in the history of the competition.)

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Posted: 23rd, April 2008 | In: Back pages, Tabloids | Comments (3)

The Sultanas Of Carla Bruni: Coleen McLoughlin Axed As Face Of Asda

carla-bruni1.jpgNEWS now that Carla Bruni is set to replace Coleen McLoughlin as the face of Asda supermarkets.

Readers versed in the Asda advertising oeuvre realise that Asda has less a face than an arse (no offence, Coleen), which is patted on the pocket to show how an hour a day running up the aisles looking for anything you’d want to eat keeps mums on a budget in shape.

The new arse of Asada is aid to be Carla Bruni, currently appearing as French president Nicola Sarkozy’s wife.

Being so much taller than her husband, these new ads could feature Bruni looking over the frozen curry croissants while Nicolas reaches up and with the aid of a baguette manages to tap her playfully on the backside.

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Posted: 22nd, April 2008 | In: Back pages, Celebrities, Politicians, Tabloids | Comments (4)

Nereida Gallardo Takes Ronaldo’s Hospital Corners

nerieda-gallardo.jpgPICTURES of Nereida Gallardo, Wag to footballer Cristiano Ronaldo, make us wonder what comes first: the girlfriend or the implants?

The Star has a “picture exclusive” of Gallardo on the beach.

The Sun’s front page features Gallardo and the statement: “RONALDO’S GIRLFRIEND IS GREAT UP FRONT TOO.”

“She’s a part-time nurse who drives a Ford Ka and lives with her parents. So what does Ronaldo see in her?” asks the paper. That she is topless, head thrown back in the surf and posing for the camera suggests Ronaldo is not in for the hospital corners and easy parking.

And then there are the breasts. Which ever way Gallardo lays the breasts point to better times ahead. She has the feel good factor.

Manchester United fans would not have seen anything so hard, shiny and covered in skin since Bobby Charlton was in his pomp.

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Posted: 22nd, April 2008 | In: Back pages, Tabloids | Comments (7)