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Back pages | Anorak - Part 53

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Premier League news. Stories from the newspapers and BBC sport – sports news from tabloids Daily Mail, Daily Express, Daily Star, the Guardian, Daily Mirror, the times, daily telegraph

Ronaldo’s Scrubbers Leave Stain

brazil_butt.jpgHEADLINE of the day: “Ronaldo: Trannies left stain that will never go away.”

Says Ronaldo of his dalliance with three transvestite prostitutes:

“I cried a lot afterwards…Behind the personality I carry, I’m a normal person and have my weaknesses. Now I have to reconstruct everything. It’s like a house knocked down by a hurricane.”

Or a nasty stain that needs a good scrub…

Posted: 6th, May 2008 | In: Back pages, Tabloids | Comments (5)


Blood Red Square: Violence At Champions League Final

red-square.jpg“FANS FACE RED SQUARE UP,” says the Star, kicking off the tabloids’ traditional jingoistic build up to every big match on foreign soil.

It’s Russian Chelsea v American Manchester United in Moscow and “supporters fear chaos could end in a riot”.

Fear or hope? It’s unclear.

“Violent mafia gangs rule the streets and crooked police ignore drug abuse and prostitution…so will Moscow welcome the 100,000 British football fans for this month’s prestigious Champions’ League final.”

Sounds like they’re well prepared.

Posted: 2nd, May 2008 | In: Back pages, Tabloids | Comments (3)


Lonely Planet Guides And Max Gogarty

Lonely Planet and travel writing comment:

Travel writing died the day Max Gogarty retired.

Posted: 1st, May 2008 | In: Back pages | Comment


The First Ronaldo is Three Times No Lady

ronaldo2.jpgAT the time of writing there are three famous footballers called Ronaldo.

There’s the one with the pony tail, oiled Ian Botham-style finger perm and the buck teeth.

There’s the one who takes an holistic approach to tackling, clutching his entire body when touched by an opposition player.

And there’s Ronaldo, the original Ronaldo, the chubby one with the chipmunk grin who froze in the Paris World Cup final.

News on the Star’s front page is that this Ronaldo has been caught in the company of three transvestites. No, not the AC Milan backline, but Andrea (Andre), Carla and a nameless other we’ll call Nesta.

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Posted: 30th, April 2008 | In: Back pages, Tabloids | Comments (5)


Ronaldo Fights Three Transvestites

RONALDO – the other one; no, the other one – has invited three trannies back to his room, allegedly.

Buck-toothed Brazilian footballer Ronaldo got a little bit more than he bargained for when he invited three prostitutes back to his hotel room on Sunday night. And when we say a little bit more, we’re talking in the genitalia department…

That’s right: they were actually men.

The 3 Ronaldos…

Posted: 29th, April 2008 | In: Back pages | Comment


Ronaldo Fails To Overshadow Nereida Gallardo’s Achievements

nereida-gallardo.jpgMORE insights into Cristiano Ronaldo’s latest keepy-uppy lover Nereida Gallardo, Spain’s foremost Bobby Charlton tribute acts.

She’s Ron’s Bronze Goddess in the Sun, and in the sun, as Nereida poses in a pair of tan knickers, tan breasts and tan buttocks.

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Posted: 29th, April 2008 | In: Back pages, Tabloids | Comments (3)


Bra-vo For Melanie Slade On Wags

melanie-slade-wag.jpgSAYS Melanie Slade, girlfriend to footballer Theo Walcott, of her fellow Wags in FHM magazine:

“I hate the stereotype – the shopping all day long, the short dresses and massive sunglasses. I would never want to be associated with those women. The wannabes who are so desperate to sleep with a footballer have no respect for themselves, no ambition, nothing.”

“Bravo for Theo’s girl,” says the Sun as she poses in FHM, wearing a matching knickers and bra exposed thought a slipped-down and ridden-up grey T-shirt.

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Posted: 28th, April 2008 | In: Back pages, Tabloids | Comment


Why Chelsea Mowerman Sam Bethell Mows With United’s Evra

evra-chelsea.jpgRAINDROPS on roses and whiskers on kittens,
Bright copper kettles and warm woolen mittens,
Brown paper packages tied up with strings,
These are a few of my favourite things…

Not if you’re Sam Bethell, they’re not. And neither are cream-coloured ponies and crisp apple streudels, let alone doorbells and sleigh bells and schnitzel with noodles.

No. When the dog bite, when the bee stings, when he’s feeling sad, Sam simply remembers nights on the beer and tear-ups on the terraces.

The Sun says that the 23-year-old Millwall supporter “lists drinking and books about hooliganism among his favourite things”.

All very informative. But who is Sam Bethall? He’s a supporter of “the best team in London, no, the best team of all” (as Millwall’s club song would have it). But that doesn’t stop him selling his soul every day by working on the ground staff at Stamford Bridge, home of the Lions’ arch-enemies Chelsea.

Not that the “tattooed mowerman” seems unduly bothered. “I sit on a mower watching some of the world’s greatest players play football,” he brags. And he is entitled to feel proud. This, let us not forget, at a ground where large numbers of fans hold “mowermen” in such high esteem that they sing “One Man Went To Mow” for hours on end.

So why is Sam Bethall in the news? Because he was involved in a fracas with Manchester United defender Patrice Evra after the match on Saturday.

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Posted: 28th, April 2008 | In: Back pages, Tabloids | Comments (12)


Carly Zucker Is Nuts For Paul Gascoigne’s Mars Bar

carley-zucker-mars-gascoigne.jpgA PICTURE of Carly Zucker, Wag to Chelsea’s slack-jawed footballer Joe Cole.

Zucker is seen in the Star stepping from a car which is full of Mars branded footballs.

Zucker, dressed in red and black, is the face of the Mars campaign to “get more youngsters playing sport this summer”. And, one imagines, playing sport while fuelled by wholesome confectionary.

And rightly so. Mars bars, as with all fattening, queasy treats, should only be eaten by persons engaged in sporting activity. The wonder is that they don’t come with a free rowing machine or pair of trainers.

The only problem is that Paul Gascoigne and not Zucker should have got the nod to front the campaign. For a period in the 1980s and early 1990s, Gazza was country’s foremost Mars bar muncher.

Gascoigne was routinely pelted with Mars bars at football matches. It was Gazza who once paid £320 for a Mars Bar in a newsagent’s in his home town of Dunston.

It was Gascoigne who in 1989 put his name to the book Daft As A Brush, which featured a nutrition section entitled Keep Fat With Gazza, and “12 exciting ways to eat a Mars Bar” – Number four: “Eat it on a bus.”

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Posted: 25th, April 2008 | In: Back pages, Tabloids | Comment (1)


Les Liaisons Dangereuses: Abbey Clancy Meets Aisleyne Horgan-Wallace

liaisons-crouch-clancy.jpgAS befitting any long-haired lover of a Liverpool footballer, mo-del Abbey Clancy has gone away to “calm down”.

So says the Star, which leads with news of goings on at London’s Valmont club.

Yes, as in Vicomte de Valmont, of Les Liaisons Dangereuses repute. In this modern version of the book, the part of Valmont is played by Big Brother star emeritus Aisleyne Horgan-Wallace (seen on the paper’s front cover in 18th Century knickers and bra).

She is said to have made a “desperate” move for Clancy’s (Marquise de Merteuil) footballer Peter Crouch (Madame de Tourvel or the virginal Cécile de Volanges?).

“I can’t believe Abbey Clancy was trying to f****** start with you,” says one onlooker in halting French.

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Posted: 25th, April 2008 | In: Back pages, Tabloids | Comment


Sky Watch: Ian Wright On The ‘Sinister’ BBC’s Licence Fee

sky-watch.jpgSKY WATCH- Anorak’s occasional look at plugs in Rupert Murdoch’s newspapers for Rupert Murdoch’s Sky TV.

Ian Wright, former BBC football pundit and Sun columnists, is talking about the BBC:

“They put out these sinister adverts about what will happen if you don’t pay the licence fee, then serve up a load of rubbish… If reality dancing shows aren’t your thing then tough luck.

“It’s all right for me because I can pay the licence fee and still afford to pay for Sky”

Should the licence fee be abolished? Rupert..?

Posted: 25th, April 2008 | In: Back pages, Tabloids, TV & Radio | Comments (4)


BBC Hires Steve McClaren’s 2008 Umbrella

mcclaren.jpgSTEVE McClaren, English football’s wally with the brolly, will not be spending Euro 2008 on a sun lounger in the Med, sat beneath his umbrella (rain and sun, the brolly’s got the lot).

Well, not unless BBC Radio Five Live pundit’s can communicate via mobile phone?

New in the Sun is that McClaren has been snapped up by the national broadcaster to give invaluable insight and expert analysis on Euro 2008.

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Posted: 24th, April 2008 | In: Back pages | Comment (1)


There Are No Gays In Football

gay-footballers.jpgTHERE are no gays in football. That’s what Sir Bobby Robson once said, back in the days when he was plain old Bobby. It’s not “conductive” to them, he explained.

Of course, he changed his tune later, and waxed lyrical about the cosmopolitan ways of Barcelona with its ladyboys and what-have-you.

As ever, we tolerant English are ahead of the game. The Latins (as we once called those foreign football types) are still stuck in the dark ages of crumbling terraces catenaccio, racism and homophobia.

“BENDERS AIN’T LIKE BECKHAM,” announces the Star’s rather confusing headline. (Note to younger readers: “bender” is a term for gays that was in common playground parlance when Old Mr Anorak was a nipper.)

It transpires that the disgraced former Juventus chief Luciano Moggi reckons that there are no homosexuals in football because “the football world is not designed for them”. The 69-year-old describes himself as “old school”.

More interesting are the other footballing figures quoted in the article.

It is interesting, for instance, to learn that the former Argentina coach Daniel Passarella was quoted in 1998 as saying he didn’t want any gays or long-haired players in his team. (Passarella captained his country to victory in the 1978 World Cup – unquestionably the team with the longest hair in the history of the competition.)

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Posted: 23rd, April 2008 | In: Back pages, Tabloids | Comments (3)


The Sultanas Of Carla Bruni: Coleen McLoughlin Axed As Face Of Asda

carla-bruni1.jpgNEWS now that Carla Bruni is set to replace Coleen McLoughlin as the face of Asda supermarkets.

Readers versed in the Asda advertising oeuvre realise that Asda has less a face than an arse (no offence, Coleen), which is patted on the pocket to show how an hour a day running up the aisles looking for anything you’d want to eat keeps mums on a budget in shape.

The new arse of Asada is aid to be Carla Bruni, currently appearing as French president Nicola Sarkozy’s wife.

Being so much taller than her husband, these new ads could feature Bruni looking over the frozen curry croissants while Nicolas reaches up and with the aid of a baguette manages to tap her playfully on the backside.

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Posted: 22nd, April 2008 | In: Back pages, Celebrities, Politicians, Tabloids | Comments (4)


Nereida Gallardo Takes Ronaldo’s Hospital Corners

nerieda-gallardo.jpgPICTURES of Nereida Gallardo, Wag to footballer Cristiano Ronaldo, make us wonder what comes first: the girlfriend or the implants?

The Star has a “picture exclusive” of Gallardo on the beach.

The Sun’s front page features Gallardo and the statement: “RONALDO’S GIRLFRIEND IS GREAT UP FRONT TOO.”

“She’s a part-time nurse who drives a Ford Ka and lives with her parents. So what does Ronaldo see in her?” asks the paper. That she is topless, head thrown back in the surf and posing for the camera suggests Ronaldo is not in for the hospital corners and easy parking.

And then there are the breasts. Which ever way Gallardo lays the breasts point to better times ahead. She has the feel good factor.

Manchester United fans would not have seen anything so hard, shiny and covered in skin since Bobby Charlton was in his pomp.

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Posted: 22nd, April 2008 | In: Back pages, Tabloids | Comments (7)


Curse Those China Olympic Nazis

china-olympics-nazis.PNGTHERE’S a fashion for China bashing.

The image is from the pro-Tibet, anti-Chinese government demonstrations in San Francisco.

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Posted: 21st, April 2008 | In: Back pages, Photojournalism | Comments (10)


28 Questions For Cheslea’s Avram Grant

avram-grant.jpgAVRAM Grant, manager of Chelsea football club, 1-0 winners over Everton, is in conversation with the Daily Mail.

But however hard he tries to speak, the Mail’s Ian Ladyman refuses to take his answers for an answer.

In “It’s grumpy Grant as he turns into moodiest of Blues IAN LADYMAN was one of the reporters left stunned by Avram Grant’s bizarre 5min 39sec press conference.”

Q: A deserved win Avram?
Grant: ‘Yes.’

Q: What particularly pleased you about the performance?
Grant: ‘I’m pleased.’

Q: What in particular pleased you?
Grant: (after an eight second delay): ‘I don’t know.’

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Posted: 18th, April 2008 | In: Back pages, Tabloids | Comment


Ian Wright Shows BBC Red Card

ian-wright.jpgFANS for the BBC’s televised football coverage will be familiar with the work of Mr Ian Wright.

Wright’s job is to be the fan in the studio; his job to channel the thoughts of the England-shirted masses gathered before the jumbo screen in a town like Luton of Kettering and relay it to the folks back home.

If Wright were to being out a signature scent it would be of kebab, onions and thrown lager.

But no more. Wright has walked off. Says he: “I was always the court jester adding a bit of fun to proceedings. After Alan Shearer and Alan Hansen had done their bit, what’s left to analyse?”

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Posted: 18th, April 2008 | In: Back pages, Tabloids | Comments (2)


Nicola McLean Is Bigger Than Jordan’s Jordans

nicola-mclean.jpgNICOLA will be “bigger than Jordan”.

That’s the Star’s front-page shocker as readers take in Fourth Division Wag Nicola McLean.

Nicola looks big enough already. Indeed, with her image posted on one side of the Anorak Towers’ indoor rifle range Nicola’s Jordans prove impossible target to miss.

But Nicola is ambitious to want more. Says she: “I want to go to Vegas and do topless shots on a roulette table. I’m really excited about it and hope everyone else is too.”

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Posted: 17th, April 2008 | In: Back pages, Celebrities, Tabloids | Comment


Paul Gascoigne Gets Help From Mike Tyson

mike-tyson-and-frank-bruno.jpegSAYS Mike Tyson on Paul Gascoigne: “I know what has happened to Gazza and I feel I can help him.”

Tyson is speaking from Las Vegas to the Daily Star.

He goes on: “A lot of top sportsmen have suffered in their private lives, including me. And I want to help him. I still see him as a superstar and I would like to meet him.”

Having roomed with a talking stuffed parrot and Chris Waddle, the next logical partner for Gazza might well be a convicted rapist and ear nibbler.

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Posted: 15th, April 2008 | In: Back pages, Tabloids | Comment (1)


Bully For Britain: An Anorak Campaign

bully-for-britain-1.pngSAYS Joe Calzaghe in the Sun: “I was bullied at school.”

Calzaghe is the undefeated middleweight champion of the world.

It might be that bullying was the making of him, just as it has been the making of some many others.

We urge the Government to back Anorak’s Bully For Britain campaign to get more children bullied and so create more British. champions…

Posted: 14th, April 2008 | In: Back pages, Tabloids | Comment


Arsene Wenger On Being A Genius

ARSENE Wenger is a genius. Little money. Little desire for magic football in the English game. But Arsene brings light and meaning to it all:

 “I will come back just before I die and will tell you how hard it is has been. If you ask me whether I want to win it, I’d say ‘yes, of course’. How much? If I stopped my career would I think ‘do I commit suicide, because I haven’t won the Champions League’. Well I’d hope not.”

A true football genius…

Spotter 

Posted: 11th, April 2008 | In: Back pages | Comments (2)


Death Stalks Princess Anne’s Ex-Husband Mark Phillips

princess-anne.jpgPRINCESS Anne, equine daughter to Queen Elizabeth, is said to be odds with her horse-enthusiast ex-husband, Mark Phillips (what did he ever see in her?)

The New York Post looks at a story in The New York Times that says that three riders hoping to qualify for the US Olympic equestrian team have died during competitions in the US. Phillips is the team’s coach.

Know that nine more riders worldwide have died over the past year and half. No, not horses, the riders.

The Post says deaths are up “because the sport has become more popular and the jumping courses, some designed by Phillips himself, have become more challenging”.

“Phillips is about to be crucified as the halfwit menace,” says one British journalist.

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Posted: 11th, April 2008 | In: Back pages, Royal Family | Comments (5)


Alex Ferguson’s Son And Wife Do The Ronaldo

“FERGIE’S lad is fined for assaulting his missus,” says the Star.

The headline refers to Darren Ferguson, the Manchester United talent who turned away from a career playing for his dad’s team to spend time with his family. Football’s loss was Nadine’s gain.

But football remains in the blood of the now Peterborough United manager, and the Star reports:

“He argues he had never intended to kick or injure her – but she ran onto his outstretched leg, hit the ground and suffered pains in her stomach”.

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Posted: 11th, April 2008 | In: Back pages, Tabloids | Comments (2)


Ashley Cole And Cheryl Ring In The Changes

coles_golden_handcuffs.jpgBIG news from the world of football as Chelsea’s vomitous footballer Ashley Cole is caught buying fuel and a bottle of water at a petrol station.

And that’s not all.

The Star looks at the Chelsea player and sees no sign of his wedding ring, and this on top of the news that his wife Cheryl Cole is not wearing her wedding band.

To the Star’s source it’s a sign of a rift.

But anyone versed in celebrity marriages must believe the rings are right now being burnished to a shine more brilliant than Ashley’s wedding suit, that “beige, single-breasted tailcoat suit with cream silk lapels and a cream satin tuxedo strip on the trousers”, as OK! magazine noted.

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Posted: 11th, April 2008 | In: Back pages, Celebrities, Tabloids | Comment