Back pages | Anorak - Part 55

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Premier League news. Stories from the newspapers and BBC sport – sports news from tabloids Daily Mail, Daily Express, Daily Star, the Guardian, Daily Mirror, the times, daily telegraph

Cristiano Ronaldo Learns From Ryan Giggs’ Mistakes

cristiano-ronaldo-crack.jpgCRISTIANO Ronaldo was just 14 years old when Manchester United’s Ryan Giggs removed his shirt in celebration.

What many at first thought to be a pet monkey strapped to Giggs’ torso turned out to be genuine hair. On his chest.

At a joint emergency meeting of the Football Association and Premier League’s respective marketing boards it was decide that it should never happen again.

While it would be problematic to ban hair growth, there would be penalties for any player caught removing his shirt in a goal celebration (yellow card) or on a beach in Marbella (loss of razor blade contract).

Ronaldo took note. He practiced hard. He juggled balls. He perfected flicks and tricks. He learned how to say “Good day, a back, crack and sack, my man, please” in near-perfect Ingleeesh.

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Posted: 3rd, April 2008 | In: Back pages, Tabloids | Comments (34)

A Left-Armed Chinaman’s Blu-Tack England Cricket Debacle

ENGLAND’S First Test debacle in New Zealand, in Blu-Tack:

From Left-Armed Chinaman, Via

Posted: 2nd, April 2008 | In: Back pages | Comments (3)

Two Plastic Bags And A Severed Head Found On Beach

arbroathbeach_228x146.jpgTHE Scotsman and The Herald both lead with news of a severed head of a woman found by two children in a plastic bag on a beach.

Yeah, a plastic bag on the beach. Think of the turtles. We need to get the bastards who did this!

The awful discovery was made by two young sisters aged about five and six in Arbroath, Angus, shortly after high tide.

And that’s not all. Tayside Police later found a woman’s hand in another bag on the beach.
Two plastic bags on the beach.

What right-minded person cannot be appalled?

Posted: 2nd, April 2008 | In: Back pages | Comments (3)

Kazakhstan President Nursultan Nazarbayev Runs In Olympics

olympic-torch-kazak.jpgNO, not the Running of the Jews:

Kazakhstan President Nursultan Nazarbayev will run a 250m stretch of the torch relay after the Beijing Olympic flame arrives in Almaty, Kazakhstan on April 2, 2008.

Mr Nazarbayen is 67 years old. There is little like seeing a politician in shorts and sweat to make him appear statesmanlike and noble…

Posted: 1st, April 2008 | In: Back pages, Politicians | Comment (1)

Fabio Capello: Jail, ‘Three Liars’ And Juventus

crapello.jpgFABIO Crapello: Anorak’s look at England football manager Fabio Capello in the news
“THREE LIARS ON HIS SHIRT – Fabio faces jail for perjury,” says the Star’s front-page headline.

Capello is not to be charged with the crime of not making England world beaters in an instant. The Star says Capello is being “probed by Italian prosecutors after giving evidence to a football bribes hearing. And he could face four years in jail if found guilty of lying or withholding information.”

The Telegraph tells of “millions of pounds of fines and six years in prison”.

Capello was previously found guilty, by a court in Como in 2003, of pretending to live in Switzerland in order to minimise his tax payments. However, it is no coincidence that the potential legal proceedings looming over him have arrived at this particular moment, just as he left Italy for England.

In Turin, the tax police said that their investigation into Capello’s finances came about “because he was appointed to manage England, and his profile rose rapidly”.

If found guilty of both offences and jailed for each separately, Capello could be put in choky for a decade. Jail him now and he could be talked about as the greatest manager England ever had. He’d be FABio. Indeed, jail may be preferable to football failure and becoming CRAPello.

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Posted: 1st, April 2008 | In: Back pages | Comments (7)

Geography Lessons With Lens And Paris St Germaine

lens-football-banner.jpgWHILE Gordon Brown demands fingers on lips at football grounds, over in France, Paris St Germaine are taking on Lens.

A banner is unfurled.

It reads: ‘Pédophiles, chômeurs, consanguins: bienvenue chez les Cht’is’ – Paedophiles, dole scum and inbreds – welcome to the North’.

Le Figaro newspaper says the banner is 25metres long.

As for the message, the words may be right – we should not wish to call Parisian football fans liars.

It’s just that Lens lies to the north of Paris…


Posted: 1st, April 2008 | In: Back pages | Comment (1)

Taxi Unfair For Paul Gascoigne

gazza_taxi.jpgNO publication should overestimate the intelligence of its readers, and in a story on how “TROUBLED” Paul Gascoigne allegedly did a runner from a taxi fare, the paper produces a picture of a black cab.

The story is that Gazza missed a train from Newcastle to Birmingham so hailed a black cab. The trip cost £400 in the Sun, or £350 in the Mirror.

The cab’s driver, one Hanzale Aziz (named in the Mirror as Adnan Aziz), claims the former England footballer behaved “erratically” during the journey.

Says Aziz: “He asked where his wine was. He was eating bag after bag of Doritos crisps – opening them by banging his hands together so the bags burst and the crisps were going everywhere.

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Posted: 1st, April 2008 | In: Back pages, Celebrities, Tabloids | Comment (1)

Gordon Brown Wants Silence At Liverpool’s Kop Shop

liverpool-football-fans.jpgIN “FURY ACROSS THE MERSEY”, the Sun leads with news that cops are to “police abusive fans at Kop derby”.

The “Kop derby” is, of course, last weekend’s match between Liverpool and their city rivals Everton.

Things were said to the players by the fans. Cruel things. Things the Sun will not lower itself to repeat.

But relief from harsh words is on the way as Prime Minister Gordon Brown “joined the debate”* about “appalling behaviour at football matches by backing The Sun’s Shut It! Campaign”.

The Sun’s front-page news is, rightly, the Sun’s campaign.

Gordon Brown who writes for the sun almost weekly, says: “We all know children imitate the behaviour they see from adults, whether it’s good or bad, and especially from their sporting heroes.”

He’s right. We’ve lost count of the number of children we see gulping for air between words, bankrolling an iffy war in Iraq and selling off the country’s gold reserves at a fraction of their worth.

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Posted: 1st, April 2008 | In: Back pages, Politicians, Tabloids | Comments (11)

Max Mosley’s Carry On Nazi Orgy

spanking-mosley.jpgSIR Oswald Mosley, leader of the British Union of Fascists, would perhaps have approved of the footage of his son Max, enduring a “Nazi-style orgy” with five prostitutes, as is alleged by the News of the World.

Mr Mosely, president of the Federation Internationale de ‘l’Automobile, Formula One’s governing body, is pictured in a London “torture chamber” playing the role of concentration camp guard and inmate.

The Times says: “Speaking in German and brandishing a leather whip, he beat the women after allowing himself to be subjected to a humiliating inspection for lice and an interrogation in chains.”

Readers also learn that Mr Mosely is “understood to be pursuing legal action against the News of the World for breach of privacy”.

Taking the news in, it is hard to decipher what it is Mr Mosely has done wrong. His associate, bonzai-sized F1 supremo Benie Ecclestone says: “I’ve known him an awful long time. If somebody had told me this without the evidence I would have found it difficult to believe.

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Posted: 31st, March 2008 | In: Back pages, Broadsheets, Tabloids | Comments (4)

Saudi Arabia’s Mile High Tower

mile-high-tower-penis.pngHOLIDAY reps, tired businessmen and Ralph Fiennes listen up: there are plans to build a mile-high tower in Saudi Arabia.

As the Telegraph reports, the Mile High Tower will be double the height of its nearest rival and almost seven times the height of London’s Canary Wharf tower.

The tower will also be higher than New York’s New Freedom Tower, which is just 2,296ft high.

The Mile High Tower will stand at a height of 5,250ft.

What will be at the top is not detailed.

But Anorak expects to find a small toilet cubicle stuffed full of well seasoned plane spotters, bearded men and other enthusiasts…

Posted: 31st, March 2008 | In: Back pages | Comments (11)

Dimitar Berbatov’s Unique Love

berbatov1.jpgDANIELA Arnault says she had an affair that lasted two years with Tottenham Hotspurs’ Alice-banded striker Dimitar Berbatov.

In “I HAD IT OV WITH BERBA” Ms Arnault alleges: “I was in love with him. He made me feel like a princess. He’s well mannered and a real gentleman. We had a unique relationship.”

If the topless model and erotic dancer’s words are not enough, a second opinion can be sought via Elena Shtilianov, Berbatov’s fiancée at the time.

Something may have been lost in translation, and some Sun readers may wonder what “unique” means in Bulgarian?

Posted: 31st, March 2008 | In: Back pages, Tabloids | Comment

Formula One For Earth Hour

FORMULA ONE for Earth Hour:

Organizers of the Singapore Grand Prix have chosen Earth Hour to debut megawatt-using streetlights that will be used to illuminate F1’s first night race later this year.

The lights (300 times more powerful than normal street lights) are being tested today when much of the world is turning their lights off for one hour to symbolically bring attention to the growing environmental crisis.

Start your engines…

Posted: 30th, March 2008 | In: Back pages | Comment (1)

Zimbabwe Votes And Polls

mugabe-vote.jpgHEADLINE of The Day, in the Observer

“Zimbawe votes to counter poll rigging.”


Picture: Taken from footage of Zimbabwe’s last Presindential race…  

Posted: 30th, March 2008 | In: Back pages | Comment (1)

Hope Floats For Ant ‘N’ Dec’s Row Idol And The Sunken Boat Race

boat-race-sinking.jpgPAST the bell at Arling and Hobbs and down to river for the big one. In 179 years of the Varsity Boat Race, Oxford and Cambridge have featured in them all.

Some say this makes the Boat Race predictable and old fashioned. But we say it represents the future, and other sports, chiefly football’s Premier League could surely do worse than dispense with all teams other than the richest duo of Manchester United and decide who wins the league title on penalty shoot out, or, indeed, a boat race.

Of course, even then the title can be decided in the opening salvos.

As TV Boat Race commentator Peter Drury tells the Telegraph: “There have been some exciting, tight races, but there is always the possibility that by Hammersmith Bridge you know who’s won, and you still have 10 to 12 minutes to run. That’s what I’ve been preparing for. You can’t sit and watch those dead minutes and hear the commentator say, ‘that is X, a 23-year-old from X college, studying X…’.”

Indeed, not. You need to know the rowers height and weight, what pub the boat is passing and a hotline to Stephen Fry and Clive Anderson.

But enlivening the race can be tricky.

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Posted: 29th, March 2008 | In: Back pages, Broadsheets, Tabloids, TV & Radio | Comment

The Independent Travels In Colour

british-empire-map.jpgTHE Independent is leading its news agenda with news of a new Travel Magazine.

And not just any travel magazine, but a colour travel magazine, a happening emphasised by the world “colour” being written in no less then six separate colours.

Once upon a time, the world was in two colours: empire red for everywhere that mattered; blue for everywhere that was wet.

But now there are six colours. It is sensational stuff, and one imagines that even if the Indy took up the American spelling, “color”, the five colours would still dazzle its readership.

Claudia Winkleman”, “Simon Calder”, “Madrid”, “Atlanta”, “India” boasts the Indy’s front page.

Readers may wonder if this is a calibrated scale of importance, with reality TV presenter Winkleman slightly more important to the paper’s news coverage than Mr Calder, the paper’s perky travel editor, the capital of Spain, a city in the US and the Indian sub-continent.

One wonders where other celebrity writers would fit into the scale.

Is Kerry Katona more important than Rhyl and should Lulu be placed before or after Vienna?

Much for the Indy’s staff to wrestle with…

Posted: 29th, March 2008 | In: Back pages, Celebrities | Comment (1)

Leona Lewis Shows Beyonce How To Look Like No.1

beyonce-leona.pngLEONA Lewis is the first females signer to top the US charts since Jimmy Young.

The Mail says American music fans have Lewis “to their hearts”.

Her hits single Bleeding Love, a tribute to Arthur Mullard, sees her tread in the steps of Petula Clark, Sheena Easton and Kim Wilde, all British female singers who’ve topped the US charts..

Lewis has the sound and the look. Are America’s singing stalwarts nervous?

Anorak happens upon this image of Beyonce Knowles on the cover of Dereon magazine – “where the sidewalk and catwalk meet”, cruel comment on a Knowles look not enough unlike the No.1 player in Old Mr Anorak’s Lady Boy ping-pong team.

She also looks like Ms Lewis.

The British are coming. And they look just like you…

Posted: 28th, March 2008 | In: Back pages | Comments (23)

David Beckham: Farewell Golden Ball, Hello Golden Bogies

beckham-nose-picking.jpgMUCH debate in the build up to David Beckham’s testimonial match in Paris over what haircut he’d go for.

This being his 100th cap, many hoped Beckham would pay homage to one of his predecessors. No golden boots and fanfare for Peter Shilton, just a light perm, some conditioner and a twirl of forefinger and thumb.

But Beckham has yet to do curlies. Indeed his depilation regime suggests a phobia against curly hair. The Shilton was a no show.

Down the list of 100-plus cap winners, and a sensible Bobby Moore side-rule-parting would have delighted the purists.

Better yet, a Bobby Charlton display of extravagance and daring. For all his 754 haircuts, Beckham has yet to take on the Charlton, a hairstyle Bobby made his own and wore atop his own crowd of glowing strawberry blond locks season in, season out.

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Posted: 27th, March 2008 | In: Back pages, Celebrities | Comments (15)

War With The Newts: The Daily Mail Declares

warwiththenewts.jpgWHEN the flood comes, and the newts declare war, whose side will you be on?

Of men and amphibians, the Mail has news of John and Margie Histed, forced to live in a caravan in the grounds of their “£1million home”. Forced from their home in Dauntsey, Wiltshire, by the newts.

Last July, a drainage ditch which runs through the Histeds’ garden became blocked and burst its banks. Three feet of water flowed into their home. Repairs were needed. Readers learn that they were just starting the final stages of repairs when a new flood struck. It then emerged that the drainage ditch is still blocked.

The Histeds wanted to unblock the ditch. But there are great crested newts there. There will be a three-month survey starting in June.

“I know it’s the law but it’s very frustrating and bordering on the ridiculous that the fate of newts takes precedence over humans,” says Mrs Histed.

Anorak has sent this story to Mister Povondra, whose collection of newspaper cuttings about the newts is unsurpassed.

He wants us to look out for more newt headlines and for “When Newts Attack”…

Comments section:

How stupid can you get. A newt..I ask you..are we going mad…save the newts. I would take a shovel dig them up and throw them in the nearest field.
– Victor Arram, Westcliff on Sea

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Posted: 27th, March 2008 | In: Back pages | Comments (3)

Fabio Crapello: Reactions On England’s Defeat In Paris

posh-and-becks.jpgFABIO CRAPELLO Watch – Anorak’s look at the building up and doing down of England manager Fabio Capello

DAILY MIRROR: “Capello discovered that he really will have to earn that £6million a year as the painful limitations of his side were starkly on display. The Italian insisted he was “happy” with what he had witnessed but if that is not to be a smokescreen the FA is being robbed blind.”

DAILY TELEGRAPH: “You would expect nothing less from England‘s King of Bling. Intriguingly Lilian Thuram, the France captain, celebrated the fact that he was winning his 138th international cap by wearing black boots. But then Thuram has got plenty of gold back home. After all, unlike Beckham, he has won both World Cup and European Championship medals in his time with France. And, unlike Beckham, Thuram still plays proper football, with Barcelona.”

THE INDEPENDENT: The France coach, Raymond Domenech, said the match had been a “test against a good side. I think it was more of an ‘intelligent’ match than a spectacular game,” he explained. “It was very tactical, perhaps industrious more than entertaining, but it was a solid performance. We worked hard, but we can play better. But a match won is always better than a match lost.”

It is a line Capello would have liked to have used.

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Posted: 27th, March 2008 | In: Back pages | Comments (6)

David’s Beckham’s Golden Boots And Centurion Chic

beckham-centurion.jpgDAVID Beckham is to mark is 100th football match for England by equipping his footy kit with greaves and a feathered helmet. Football fans will also see Becks wearing his new range of Centurion Soccer Skirts (RRP £34.99).

Beckham’s self-promotion sees him returned to the squad for England’s game in Paris. No, not in Disneyland, but in the Stade de France, where Day-vid will play a French side in a friendly.

No sign of Mickey Mouse in these proceedings. This is the real deal, a fitting tribute to Beckham’s post-Manchester United career.

The Sun says Beckham will wear a pair of golden boots. A source tells the paper: “He’s an obsessive collector of football memorabilia and these boots will take pride of place in his collection.”

While other players may mark a career milestone with a signed shirt or cheery wave to the fans, Beckham collects his own boots and puts them in a museum.

Forget the tears, the largely ineffectual performances in three World Cups and two European Championships and look at the boots – so bright David can see his face in them…

Posted: 26th, March 2008 | In: Back pages, Tabloids | Comments (5)

Dogs And Style With Danielle Bux

MORE news of Danielle Bux, BBC TV presenter and crisps enthusiast Gary Linker’s live-in lover.

The Star leads with a picture of Danielle (surely, Danii – ed) on all fours in her black bra and knickers combo.

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Posted: 26th, March 2008 | In: Back pages, Celebrities, Tabloids | Comment (1)

Football’s Paris Hilton, Paul Jewell, Shows Managers The Way Forward

paul-jewell.jpgPAUL Jewell, manager of Derby County football club, is “football’s Paris Hilton”.

Do not doubt that football needs a Paris Hilton. If football is to be Hollywood in shorts, then it needs to embrace all elements of showbusiness.

One-hit wonder Paul Gascoigne is Britney Spears, and some debate rages over whether Gary Neville or Steve McClaren is Simon Cowell. But Jewell is a shoo-in for Hilton on account of his singing ability, skin tones and allegations of a homemade movie.

Says the Star on Sunday: “The Derby County manager has called in lawyers to stop the DIY porn movie becoming a Paris Hilton style hit. It shows portly Paul in a series of kinky romps with a mystery blonde. The dad-of-two fears the footage could turn him into an unlikely internet sex star like heiress Paris, 27.”

Readers learn that the movie shows “former Bradford manager Jewell strapping his lover to the bed, slapping her bottom and pleasuring her with a sex toy. She wears black suspenders, stockings and boots”.

Forward With Jewell 

While we envisage the boots and studs, and Jewell going in hard with his tackle, some may wonder if this is not Jewel’s preparation for life after football?

A celebrity sex tape never did anyone’s career any harm. Mr Jewell should release the tape and become an internet hit, securing a future in the media.

This will, of course, trigger copycat videos. Very soon other football bosses feeling the pressure – Derby County are bottom of the premier league – will release their sex tapes.

Roy Hodgson, beleaguered manager of Fulham will need to up and ante and produce a video of him romancing a goal post, followed by Wigan Athletic’s Steve Bruce’s antics with a range of gardening tools.

The trend will reach a crescendo when the ultra-competitive Alex Ferguson, contemplating the long dark tunnel of retirement from ‘the game’, produces a film featuring himself, the West Bangkok Manchester Untied Supporters’ Cub and a collection of battery-operated hairdryers…

Sven Goran Erkisson is the manager of Manchester City FC. 

Posted: 24th, March 2008 | In: Back pages, Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (6)

John Currin, Porn And The War Against Islam

war-on-terror.jpgSAYS the Indpedent: “John Currin: The filth and the fury” –

His portraits of balloon-breasted women are notorious. Now John Currin is about to arrive in Britain with canvases of an even more sexually explicit nature. The artist talks to David Usborne about flesh tones, critical outrage – and why hardcore porn is part of the ‘war against Islam’

File under: Get a load of the Weapons of mass destruction on her!

It’s the Phwaoor On Terror…

Posted: 22nd, March 2008 | In: Back pages | Comment

Press Release Of The Day: The Welsh Daffodil

daffodil.jpgSOMETHING for all of Wales to be proud of: The WRU Daffodil.

The Welsh Rugby Union daffodil, the only daffodil to officially honour an international Rugby team, will be planted on the Millennium Stadium rugby pitch for the Wales vs France game on Saturday 15 March. Narcissus ‘Undeb Rygbi Cymru’ is a unique gift from the UK’s leading gardening charity, the Royal Horticultural Society (RHS).

A first for rugby! A first for Wales! Mind the flower, lads.

The WRU’s daffodil took 15 years to develop and is straight, strong, with an abundance of stamina, impressive trumpet and delicate scent…

RHS Shows Director, Stephen Bennett, said: “This daffodil really is a spectacular and very impressive specimen; it is hugely exciting that it will be on the sidelines, supporting the team, in the Six Nations Grand Slam. Good luck the WRU!”

Come on Wales. Come on the Narcissus ‘Undeb Rygbi Cymru'”…

Posted: 14th, March 2008 | In: Back pages, Online-PR | Comments (5)

Barry Fry’s Champion’s League Insight

barry-fry.jpgSAYS Barry Fry in the Sport: “Foreigners in the premiership have sent our game to rack and ruin and I would love to see Brits and only Brits turning out on at least one Saturday in the year.”

The quarter-finals of the Champions League features 4 English teams.


Posted: 14th, March 2008 | In: Back pages, Tabloids | Comments (8)