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Premier League news. Stories from the newspapers and BBC sport – sports news from tabloids Daily Mail, Daily Express, Daily Star, the Guardian, Daily Mirror, the times, daily telegraph
Top Sporting Sex Scandals: Cristiano Ronaldo And John Terry Go To Pot
IN readiness for tomorrow’s FA Cup final, the Daily Sport pits Manchester United’s Cristiano Ronaldo against Chelsea’s John Terry.
In this football smackdown the paper asks: “Who wins in the sack? We ask the girls who know.”
In the interests of fair play it might be best for Ronaldo to get into bed with Terry. But what need to push back the envelope of sporting endeavour when you have such willing and able pundits as Emma Kearney.
Said to have fronted TV show Nice House, Shame About The Garden, Kearney tells us how she gave Terry oral relief in his Porsche.
As the report says, Terry was so keen to have his way with the Australian glamour model he issued the rallying cry, “Let’s f***, I want to f*** you.”
Football fans cannot help but wonder what effect a similar call to arms would have on the Wembley turf if aimed at Ryan Giggs. And whether, if successful, England captain Terry should use the tactic in a national capacity.
For now, we hear of Terry scoring, and with a trademark headed goal.
But is he better than Ronaldo? To help us appraise the situation, Julie Hawkins arrives on the sofa.
Readers and Ronaldo’s Manchester United teammates learn how the player likes to have sex in the shower. Says Julie: “He scored a hatrick with me – and I’m not talking about goals.”
Impressive stuff, perhaps, But readers brought up on stories of five times a night romps may be disappointed by talk of triple plays.
Anorak recalls some sporting endeavours that make Ronaldo and Terry’s exploits look Championship material:
Steve Davis: Back in 1999, Snooker’s Mr Interesting cheated on his wife Judith with 19-year-old Cheree Palla. The talk was of seven-times-a-night. “He was the best lover I’d ever had,” she confided in the Mirror. “He did things to me I didn’t even know you could do.”
Ian Botham: Having denied breaking the bed with Miss Barbados Lindy Field, married Botham became entangled with Australian waitress Kylie Verrells. She claimed Beefy saw the value of email and wrote her: “Babe, you ain’t seen nothing yet! The mighty Beefy sword awaits … and that’s just for starters.”
Stan Collymore: Dogger. And friend to Kristy Gallagher: “She did things with chocolate fingers that have stopped me looking at them in the same way since.”
Sven Goran Eriksson: Emptying the dishwasher as foreplay. Cuban heels. Ulrika Jonsson (“There was no sense of hesitation about him, just a calm, gentle loving”). Faria Alam (“It was beautiful. He didn’t use a condom, he was not concerned about me getting pregnant. Then he pulled on some cotton pyjama bottoms before returning to bed.”)
Boris Becker: Nobu restaurant. A broom cupboard. Angela Ermakowa in the Mail: “To stop him when he was so excited was as impossible as stopping a high-speed train,’ she confided, exclusively, in the Daily Mail. “I felt like Cinderella… Boris was like a radiant German knight.” Boom. Boom.
In the pantheon of sporting kiss ‘n’ tells, Ronaldo and Terry and Emma and Julie hardly score…
Posted: 18th, May 2007 | In: Back pages | Comments (4)
Gemma Atkinson Keeps Them Crossed For Manchester United’s Ronaldo
INTERESTING to read on the front page of the Star that Gemma Atkinson is still stepping out with Manchester United’s Cristiano Ronaldo.
Pictured with a sheet held to her high-pressured bosom, Gemma is here to tell us that she is “up for the cups”.
Tomorrow is FA Cup final day and any self-respecting Wag will be applying the wood stain in earnest.
Though the action on the pitch will be keen, experience tells us that the cameramen will punctuate lapses in play with shots of the crowd. And that mean focusing on the Wags.
But what’s this? We read that Gemma will not be there. Gemma, now dressed in a blue bikini was given a pair of tickets by a “special friend”.
But she gave them to her parents.
So instead of going to the Wag-fest, Gemma will be at home watching the match on her sofa. A source tells the Star: “Gemma has got everything crossed that United will do the Cup and League double and bring home some silverware this season.”
Everything crossed. Surely not…
Posted: 18th, May 2007 | In: Back pages | Comments (19)
Would Jew Believe It: Chelsea Fans Call Gary Lineker A ‘Yid’
“LINEKER is target of race hate,” says the Mirror. The paper looks on as former England footballer Gary Lineker walks to the stage. He is to present an award at Chelsea FC’s £135-a-head Player Of The Year dinner.
The crowd show their appreciation for Linker by chanting “yiddo, yiddo”.
“It was appalling,” says one fan. “And it wasn’t a couple of people. I’d say at least 100 people joined in. It was embarrassing.”
The shame heaped upon Chelsea is compounded when the Mirror notes that among the Chelsea faithful are sat ex-England rugby captain Lawrence Dallaglio and Lord Attenborough.
“You wouldn’t expect anything else,” says Lineker.
It is thought Linker was not making reference to Chelsea FC’s history as a club whose fans revel in a thuggish, neo-Nazi reputation, but the fact that Lineker played for Spurs.
Any visitor to Spurs’ White Hart Lane ground will be met with the sound of a drum being hit, the final beat punctuated by the collective shout “Yids!” And this from the Tottenham fans. Fans may also note the chant of “Yid Army”, unfurled Star of David flags and Tottenham yamulkas.
There is no other club in English football with such a tight affinity with one racial group.
The Mirror is, nonetheless, shocked and saddened. And notes how earlier this season Chelsea fans were politely requested from making noises mimicking the Nazi gas chambers as their boys took on Spurs.
Of course, this is all too funny. The new Chelsea fans are not a patch on the old diehards, who have been softened up by success, seating and the sheer cost of watching their team play.
You know, those Chelsea fans who cheer on a team owned by Roman Abramovich, a, er, Yiddo…
Posted: 17th, May 2007 | In: Back pages | Comments (7)
Stumped: Bob Woolmer Was Not Murdered
BOB Woolmer was not murdered.
Woolmer was not struck a fatal blow by a cricket ball as he and the Pakistani team played a game of corridor cricket.
Woolmer was not killed by poison, a deranged lover, al-Qaeda, drink, upset fans, a carton of mango and carrot juice, or the mafia. Bob Woolmer died of natural causes.
That, at least, is what the Express is reporting in “Woolmer police rule out murder”.
Of course, the Jamaican police have not ruled out murder. But they might. The news is that officers on the case “hope toxicology reports will show the Pakistan coach was the victim of a ‘sudden unexplained death’”.
Cynics may well say that this sudden unexplained death pretty much sums up the police progress so far. Woolmer’s death was sudden. And it is unexplained. Job done. Case closed.
But this new line focuses on death by natural causes. A Jamaican police source tells the Express how his country’s Deputy Police Commissioner Mark Shields has journeyed to South Africa to speak with Woolmer’s widow. Says the insider: “He was going to talk to her in terms of ‘sudden unexplained death’ rather than murder.”
This is the cue for conspiracy theorists to get to work. A man is dead. Police fail to catch the killer or killers. And now the case approaches an altogether unsatisfactory conclusion.
What price a welter of books on the matter and the story turned into a made-for-TV movie?
It’s cricket’s most enduring whodunit since Shane Warne appeared in public with a fuller, shaggier and more highlighted head of hair.
And everyone and no-one is a suspect…
Posted: 14th, May 2007 | In: Back pages | Comment
£9.3 Billion London Olympics Of No Benefit To UK
WE all remember their faces – has-been athletes such as Steve Cram and Kelly Holmes, not to mention Lord Sebastian of Coe, erupting with joy as the decision to award the 2012 Olympic games to London was made. (Pic: Beau Bo D’Or.)
Yet while these ex-Olympians celebrated the undoubted extra media work they’d get over the next seven years, and London property developers danced in the street, the reality for ordinary Britons was less certain.
Now, in a new report for the Greater London Assembly, researchers claim the 2012 games – the cost has quadrupled to a staggering £9.3 billion – will struggle to create a boom in jobs, sport and even housing.
In looking at the impact of the games on former hosts Athens, Sydney, Atlanta and Barcelona, the authors of the report found that the cites all struggled to benefit from the event, with Greece even losing 70,000 jobs just after the 2004 games.
Increased participation in sports also failed to rise significantly after the event while infrastructure improvements mainly benefited international residents and those lovely property developers.
Expect to see a herd of White Elephants rampaging around the East End after 2012.
Posted: 14th, May 2007 | In: Back pages | Comment (1)
Manchester United: Alex Ferguson Going Nowhere
NINE Premiership titles in 15 seasons is something even Chelsea’s self-anointed ‘Special One’ would be proud of, but triumphant red-faced Sir Alex of Ferguson has no plans to quit while he is ahead.
With the 10-man Blues putting on a memorable and surprisingly entertaining show at the Emirates Stadium on Sunday, but failing to beat Arsenal and keep their titles ambitions alive, United’s Scottish king could drink from the time-honoured ‘flute’ of champagne in celebration and look to the future.
“Why should I give up?” asks Ferguson, “I feel invigorated by the young players at the club and players like Ryan Giggs, Gary Neville, Paul Scholes turning out every week for me. I don’t know how long I will last now but I am enjoying it”.
His charges can now bask in the glory of a Chelsea guard of honour in the now-meaningless mid-week clash at Stamford Bridge.
Fergie’s success this season, which could run to a league and cup double, is all the more worthy considering the mediocre likes of Fletcher, O’Shea and Brown in his ranks. For that and that alone he deserves another knighthood. And another ‘flute’ of champagne.
Posted: 7th, May 2007 | In: Back pages | Comment
Alan Ball’s Eternal World Cup Glory
FAREWELL Alan Ball. You came. You scampered about the pitch like a feisty Yorkshire terrier. You won the World Cup.
On a happier note, since those heady times of 1966 and all that, England have been routinely disappointing, bereft of ball control, cohesion, tactical awareness, ability and style. They also lack belief, but it is hoped that once they get the skills, the confidence will come.
As it is, Ball’s position as one of the small band of English World Cup winners is safe for some years, and certainly while Steve McClaren is in charge of the England team.
Ball was a worker with natural talent. Ball won.
And you can just imagine Ball, one always quick to remind all and sundry about his World Cup exploits, going up to St Peter and saying, “Fair dos, you’ve got the key to the Gates, your own sandals and a flowing white beard, but have you got a World Cup winners’ medal. Go on have you? I think not.”
Of course, in riling St Peter, Ball risks being relegated, something that occurred with alarming regularity in his managerial career…
Posted: 4th, May 2007 | In: Back pages | Comment (1)
Ultras Stupid: Vow To Kill Manchester United Fans
“WE’LL KILL MAN UTD FANS.”
The Star’s front-page headline promises much. And none of it pleasant.
British book shops have shelves dedicated to the stories of sad men who see football fandom as a form of guerrilla warfare.
But this is not England. This is Italy, land of culture, fashion and the profiterole.
The Star has a picture of a fan of AC Milan. He is offering us his best Nazi salute. His head is wrapped in a hood. He is billed as one of the Ultras, a gang of inadequates who follow the Milan side.
And they have issued this proclamation: “Speak English and your dead.”
Of course, this could read “Speaka da Inglish and you is dead”, and it is tempting to turn to such anachronistic language given the circumstances.
“PLAY DUMB IF YOU WANT TO SURVIVE,” comes another headline deeper inside the paper. Not stupid dumb – something many travelling football fans can carry off with aplomb without the Star’s promoting – but mute.
Trouble has dogged Manchester United’s European adventure this season. And the Star feels duty bond to looks over it all.
There is a picture of a Manchester United fan bloodied and battered in Rome.
The paper looks at violence between Catania and Palermo. A policeman died. “All hell breaks loose”.
This is bad. United fans should be concerned. But do not worry. Palermo and Catania play in Sicily, which schoolboy geography points to being not all that near Milan, or even Rome.
But the Star wants to show the trouble. And who knows, a United fan may play dump enough to end up in Sicily for tonight’s match in Milan.
Posted: 2nd, May 2007 | In: Back pages | Comment
Bob Woolmer Poison: It’s Not Over Yet Says Sherlock
WITH the Cricket World Cup ended under a dark cloud – the final finished with Sri Lanka’s players risking life and limb trying to hit a hard ball in the dark (unsurprisingly, they lost to Australia) – we return to the main story: the death of Bob Woolmer.
In “Woolmer ‘paralysed by poison”, the Express hears it claimed that the Pakistan coach was rendered powerless by poisoning before being strangled.
The BBC’s Panorama show has seen the preliminary toxicology reports that says poison was found in Woolmer’s blood.
Ans this is seen as a breakthrough. Woolmer was poisoned before being killed, eh? Not after? Although it has not been proven. But still, watch the show and find out what could have happened.
And there are expert views. Panorama hears chief investigating officer Mark Shields says he feels it would be difficult to strangle 6ft 2in Woolmer.
Calling upon his many years of experience, Shields tells the BBC: “A lot of force would be needed to do that.” (Ed’s note: Insert ‘No shit Sherlock’ here.)
And: “Bob Woolmer was a large man and one could argue that it was an extremely strong person, or maybe more than one person. But, equally, the lack of external injuries suggests that there might be some other factors.”
Good to know the case is making progress. And the BBC is making entertainment from it…
Posted: 30th, April 2007 | In: Back pages | Comment
‘I Am A Transsexual Sportswriter’: Jacqui Oatley Meet Mike Penner
WHEN JACQUI Oatley, 32, covered the Premiership game between Fulham and Blackburn on BBC TV’s Match of the Day football review, she proved to be every bit as sick as a parrot/over the moon as the show’s male commentators.
No comment on players legs. No comment on which two teams’ kits look best together on the pitch. No comment on getting grass stains out of nylon. Just the usual commentator stuff – game of two halves, rocket shots and crowds in raptures.
No big deal. And certianly no big deal compread to the news that LA Time staff writer Mike Penner will be from now on using the byline Christine.
Says Mike: “During my 23 years with The Times’ sports department, I have held a wide variety of roles and titles. Tennis writer. Angels beat reporter. Olympics writer. Essayist. Sports media critic. NFL columnist. Recent keeper of the Morning Briefing flame.
“Today I leave for a few weeks’ vacation, and when I return, I will come back in yet another incarnation.
“As Christine.
“I am a transsexual sportswriter.”
And Penner can do the job as well as ever he could. As Mike says: “Everyone who knows me and my work will be transitioning as well. That will take time. And that’s all right. To borrow a piece of well-worn sports parlance, we will take it one day at a time.”
Twat! Liquid football…
Over to you, Gary Lineker…
Posted: 28th, April 2007 | In: Back pages | Comments (3)
Manchester City And A New King’s Ranson
WHILE the future of Arsenal football club remains up in the air, Manchester City are themselves the subject of a new bid from none other than former player Ray Ranson.
The one-time Man City full-back eschewed the usual route of opening a pub and instead made his money from insurance and sports finance.
The 46-year-old is leading a consortium with a bid of £90 million which covers the club’s shares, loans of around £24 million to major shareholders John Wardle and David Makin and debts to other creditors.
City fans, frustrated by another season of mid-table disappointment, will be particularly pleased to hear that Ranson is apparently prepared to provide a warchest of £20 million for transfers.
The Merseyside-born millionaire twice tried to purchase Aston Villa a few years ago, but may well find himself succeeding with this City bid.
Posted: 24th, April 2007 | In: Back pages | Comment
Lottery The Loser In Olympic 2012 Money Marathon
ALMOST two years have passed since London was awarded the 2012 Olympics.
How has-been athletes, the construction industry and London mayor Ken Livingstone all rejoiced over the, apparently, momentous decision.
However, with the cost of hosting the event continuing to rocket, the heads of lottery-funded voluntary bodies have joined leading names in the arts world in demanding that the plundering of lottery money for the Olympics be investigated.
Culture Secretary Tessa Jowell’s recent decision to siphon off another £675m of lottery money from the arts, sports, heritage and good causes means that, so far, a whopping £2. billion of lottery funds has been diverted to pay for the Games.
Tim Lamb, chief executive of the Central Council for Physical Recreation, says: “If there is to be a real legacy of increasing participation in sport, it seems ironic, if not perverse, for money to be taken away from community sport to fund the Olympics”
Jowell is adamant, however, that her decision was the right one, “This isn’t about taking money from the lottery to build a new Trident. This is money from the existing good causes to an exceptional once-in-a-lifetime good cause.”
Taking lottery money to use for the arms trade? Why didn’t New Labour think of that one before they started blowing things up in Iraq?
Posted: 24th, April 2007 | In: Back pages | Comments (2)
Andrew Flintoff Drowns His Sorrows
“OWZPRAT!” says the Mirror as English cricket’s star player Andrew Flintoff perches on a bar stool.
England all-rounder Freddie is as versatile off the pitch as he is on it, taking on beer and Jaegermeister (35 per cent-strength notes the Mail) at the Piano bar in Barbados. England are out of the World Cup and Freddie has time on his hands.
“They were certainly the only shots Flintoff has got to grips with during the tournament – having failed dismally with the bat,” says the Mirror.
This is all too true. But to single Freddie out for criticism seems unfair given that English team spirit extended to the full XI agreeing to be as crap as one another and so diffuse blame.
But still the Mirror zooms in on Flintoff’s drinking session. The paper reminds us that in his early days at Lancashire his teammates used to call a drinking binge “Getting Freddied”.
And can we ever forget the story of how in preparation for England’s match against Canada, Flintoff commandeered a pedalo and set off to conquer South America.
As the Mail notes, after that not-in-the-least-bit-hilarious incident – a contrite and possibly hung-over Flintoff told us: “I’m ashamed and embarrassed. I’ve got to show this is the end of these sorts of incidents. I know it will take time to regain people’s trust.”
Says the Mail: “On this evidence, he may well be right.”
Posted: 24th, April 2007 | In: Back pages | Comment
Queen Elizabeth’s Arsenal
“GOD Save our gracious team, long live our noble team, God save our team…”
A song to warm the cockles as Arsenal fans wake up to the news that no less a person than Her Majesty the Queen supports the Gunners.
In the Sun’s front-page news (“QUEEN: I SUPPORT ARSENAL”), readers learn that Her Majesty is a follower of the London giants.
Arsenal midfielder Cesc Fabreagas, a Spaniard by design, tells us: “It seems the Queen follows football and she told us she was an Arsenal fan. She appeared to definitely know who I was and we exchanged a few special words.”
Rightly what was staid in the Queen’s chambers stays in the Queen’s chambers.
All we can reveals is that, as is often the way with football fans, support runs along family lines and the Queen’s late mother was also a fan of the Gunners.
All hail the “GUNN EIIR S” says the Sun. And readers thrill to the news that Liz has followed the Arsenal for many a long season. As a “senior Royal source” tells us: “Her Majesty has been fond of the Arsenal for over 50 years.”
And: “Her late mother was a self-confessed Gooner, due largely to her admiration of their former player Dennis Compton.”
Hurrah!
And so it is that Her Majesty joins a long and illustrious line of Arsenal fans. As the Sun reports, The Queen is now in the company of her EastEnders’ namesake Barbara Windsor, favoured jockey Frankie Dettori, Joan Collins and Osama bin Laden.
Hurrah!
Phil Collins supports Tottenham Hotspurs.
Posted: 23rd, April 2007 | In: Back pages | Comment
Prime Minister’s Petitions – More Rejections
ANORAK’S regular look at those petitions appearing on the Prime Minister’s website –
We the undersigned petition the Prime Minister to stop students calling male teachers sir when they dont have a knighthood – Max Zito
Rejected: It was intended to be humorous, or have no point about government policy
We the undersigned petition the Prime Minister to Send Mr Hain on a world tour, apologising to everyone he meets – Paul Carlin
Rejected: It was outside the remit or powers of the Prime Minister and Government
We the undersigned petition the Prime Minister to make Oliver Gover a Lord
Rejected: It was intended to be humorous, or have no point about government policy
We the undersigned petition the Prime Minister to Allow Driver to run down Chavs on sight – Richard of Sefton
Rejected: It contained language which is offensive, intemperate, or provocative
We the undersigned petition the Prime Minister to get rid of the police state – Francis Warrick
Rejected: It contained language which is offensive, intemperate, or provocative; It contained false name or address information
We the undersigned petition the Prime Minister to make sure that banana’s are peeled from the bottom to top – Ian Elgin of Banana Liberation front
Rejected: It was intended to be humorous, or have no point about government policy
We the undersigned petition the Prime Minister to Posthumously award Bill Nicholson a knighthood – Ryan Pitson
Rejected: It was outside the remit or powers of the Prime Minister and Government (see cash-for-peerages etc.)
We the undersigned petition the Prime Minister to Reconsider committing the United Kingdom to the absurd EU proposition to compel us to use low voltage fluorescent light bulbs that provide inadequate, cold, depressing light provided by ugly bulbs that don’t fit into standard fittings or are unusable in chandeliers and other artful light fittings – Buck Lopez
Rejected: It was similar to and/or overlaps with an existing petition or petitions (We the undersigned petition the Prime Minister to Save the traditional light bulb and retain freedom of choice)
We the undersigned petition the Prime Minister to Make it illegal to smoke while driving – Patricia A Gwyther
Rejected: It was similar to and/or overlaps with an existing petition or petitions (We the undersigned petition the Prime Minister to Make smoking whilst driving illegal)
We the undersigned petition the Prime Minister to stop using global warming as an excuse to invent more taxes – Ben Ware
Rejected: It contained party political material
Posted: 22nd, April 2007 | In: Back pages | Comment (1)
England Out And Time To Refocus On Bob Woolmer
FRESH developments in the BOB Woolmer murder case.
As the Independent reports, a man has been seen. Security footage taken from the 12th floor of the Pegasus Hotel in Kingston, Jamaica, reveals a man.
The CCTV footage has been cleaned and enhanced and by detectives at Scotland Yard and, yes, the police can confirm that there is the figure of a man.
A a source tells the Independent: “The time of the footage and its location mean that this individual must be considered a suspect. Further work is being done on statements given by individuals to look at any inconsistencies. It is good progress.”
And interesting that it should coincide with England’s removal from the cricket World Cup, which provides this case with a colourful backdrop.
Deprived of shots of woman on conch-shell bikinis, England’s Freddie Flintoff going down with his pedalo and the Barmy Army turning the shade of raw ostrich meat in the sun, Scotland Yard’s offices revisit the film.
And this discovery has delayed the onset of the inquest. A spokesman at the Justice Ministry in Jamaica says: “The coroner has been advised that there are recent and significant developments concerning the death of Robert Woolmer.
“The coroner wishes that these new and significant developments be pursued with the utmost urgency, taking into account that the officer in charge has advised that these new developments are critical to the progress and the eventual results of the investigations themselves.”
This should give Sky television pundits something to discuss as they work their Barbados sun loungers. To date, breaks in play have seen heated debates on the palsied state of what must now be called Team England, Bob Willis’s mosquito bite and the sight of England’s Paul Nixon running into the surf topless with an equally underdressed Tim Abrahams, Sky’s cricket news man.
News of Woolmer on Sky Sports has been noticeable by its absence. Never once did David Gower, who fronts Sky’s package tour operation and advertorial, decamp to Jamaica.
But now with England out and the final approaching like the next drinks waiter he can make the mental journey, at least. And Woolmer’s matter can get the coverage it deserves…
Posted: 21st, April 2007 | In: Back pages | Comment
The Bob Woolmer Mystery’s ‘Poison Clue’
THE Bob Woolmer mystery is not over.
There remains the possibility that Woolmer was killed in a crime of passion. That he was offed by the Mafia. That he was assassinated by Al-Qaeda. That he was the victim of a bouncer in a late-night game of corridor cricket. (We still wait to see that CCTV footage from outside his hotel room.)
But the nets are closing in. “Poison clue in Woolmer hunt,” says the Express.
So he was poisoned!
Congratulations to those of you who guessed correctly. Anorak had opted for Osama bin Laden with the rogue vol-au-vent in corporate hospitality. But now we know.
Or do we?
The Express cites “Tests” which “confirmed” Woolmer was poisoned before he was strangled. Police are “working on the theory” Woolmer was incapacitated before his killer dealt the fatal blow.
Yes, a theory. And then the Express says, “It is believed that Pakistan coach Woolmer, 58, may have been silenced by a match-fixing mafia who feared he was about to expose them.”
Yes, “believed” and “may”.
Might it be that our Bin Laden theory is back on?
We concede that the infected finger food explanation is not yet established. And the express tells us Mark Shields, Jamaica’s Deputy Police Commissioner, has “refused to say poison has been found” in Woolmer’s remains.
Which make us wonder about that Express headline. Is it a message to deliberately mislead the killer? Or is it just wrong?
Whatever the truth, we remain keen to see that footage from outside the Woolmer hotel broom.
And that room service menu in full…
Posted: 16th, April 2007 | In: Back pages | Comments (2)
Carly Zucker Rates Friends And Family
IT’S been while since we last saw Carly Zucker, Wag to footballer Joe Cole.
It was back in July 2006 that we saw Carly perform her “sexercises” by a Miami pool. Carly’s footballer had just finished kicking a ball around in Germany and was looking to unwind.
Now Carly is in the pages of Hello!. Still wearing a tracksuit, Zucker is just returned from a friend’s wedding in Cuba.
“Friends are like family,” says Carly. “You stick with them. You can’t grow apart if you’ve got a true friendship. I’m a very loyal person.”
We could say that friends are not like family, what with you being able to choose your friends.
But Zucker has more to say. “We might not talk for six weeks on the phone, but if any of us are ever upset, we’re all together.”
So is she friends with any of the other Wags?
“I’ve got a really small frame,” says Carly. “But she clearly knows her own mind,” says Hello! by way of a repost. The inference that Randy Newman was right about short people is best ignored.
And, in any case, Zucker does not diet. “I eat, sugar, fat, carbs, protein,” says she.
Readers may not have any idea what those American-sounding foods taste of, and they may not be for everyone.
You may need to exercise as well as eat exotic foods to stay in shape. Carly is a part-time personal trainer. And, no, she has not produced a DVD work-out video – something an appearance in Hello! should remedy…
Posted: 13th, April 2007 | In: Back pages | Comments (3)
Stuck On You – Gemma Atkinson Throws Her Knickers At Cristiano Ronaldo
THANKS to the wonders of the world wide web, news of Cristiano Ronaldo’s girlfriend Gemma Atkinson comes with a slideshow.
Now while mum and dad learn via the papery News of the World how Gemma likes to strip for her footballer, the web version allows daughter to ape Gemma’s moves in the training ground of her own bedroom and son to extend the sticky fingers of adolescence in his.
Now at last The News of the World can truly claim to be the family newspaper.
And here is Gemma to tell us: “I trained as a stripper for Hollyoaks so I’m really good. I’ve got a couple of wicked moves up my sleeve.”
Gemma, an assisted 32DD, is rarely seen in anything as demure as sleeves. But whatever the outfit, Gemma takes her clothes off to the dulcet tones of Lionel Richie. “He’s got a lovely voice,” says Gemma, “it gets me in the mood.”
But what’s this? GEMMA’S RE-UNITED,” announces the People’s headline. And no, Gemma has not been re-united with a favourite pair of knickers flung to the darker reaches of chez Ronaldo as Richie’s Stuck On You legato reached climax.
Gemma has been re-united with Manchester United’s Ronaldo.
It seems their relationship is not as smooth as a lap-dancer’s pole and the couple had a break in play. Why they split we are uncertain. But now they are back together.
And Gemma is stripping. This will keep Ronaldo happy. But what if he did cheat on her, for argument’s sake?
Says Gemma in the NOTW: “I’d dump him immediately. The best revenge is getting on with life and showing what a good time you’re having.”
Or, failing that, Gemma could always try locking Ronaldo in the house and playing Richie’s oeuvre at full throat. Or leaving her used knickers in the oven…
Posted: 8th, April 2007 | In: Back pages | Comments (76)
Did A Mango And Carrot Do For Bob Woolmer At Cricket World Cup?
WE join the Sun outside the window of the room Bob Woolmer died in.
It’s is room 12 – 374, the foremost digits indicating the floor.
But the Sun is not risking life and limb to show its readers a picture of a “squashed carton of mango and carrot juice – “Did this contain poison” – and the “desk from where coach probably sent his last email”.
The Sun’s man on the outside has not fashioned suction pads for knees and hands from plungers, but is stood on a balcony. Although he must have climbed over another balcony to get here.
Is this the balcony from where Woolmer “dragged” a white plastic chair, now seen inside his room? “Did Woolmer have a meeting in his room?” Are the fingerprints on the glass from the killers, Woolmer or the Sun’s snapper trying to steady himself for the shot through the shut glass door?
Questions and more questions.
“A drinks fridge could indicate he hit the bottle to relieve his despair,” says the Sun. Remember that mango juice carton?
“Torn sheets could indicate violence or a restless night,” the paper goes on. “Pillows are missing, backing reports that police seized a bloodstained pillowcase.”
Right now the cops are plumping that seized pillow to within an inch if its sorry life. Will it talk? Let’s hope so.
But if Plan A fails, the Sun can call upon the know-how of ex-Flying Squad chief John O’Connor to explain all.
Says he: “Two chairs face the bed, showing people were talking to the person on the bed.” Brilliant! “But it does not point to anything aggressive.” The angle of the chairs is wrong, right?
“None of this is adding up,” says O’Connor. The pictures do not show a room that was trashed in a struggle for life as you might expect.”
Given the often legendary goings on in cricketers’ rooms, the scene is one of relative calm and order. And not an ashtray in sight.
It’s all very suspicious.
Posted: 3rd, April 2007 | In: Back pages | Comment
Bob Woolmer, The Trusty Shields Of Justice & Death By Shower
THE Bob Woolmer murder has a new angle.
In “BOOZE RIDDLE IN BOB DEATH” the Star says Woolmer “drowned his sorrows with a bottle or whiskey before he was found dead”.
Is this the clue investigators missed? As Mark Shields, deputy commissioner of Jamaica’s police force, has suggested, “You know when you’re involved in any piece of work and you are right up against it, sometimes you can miss the most blindingly obvious.”
So here is Woolmer sat in the bar at his hotel drinking a bottle of Johnnie Walker Black Label. Pakistan have just lost to Ireland in the Cricket World Cup and Woolmer, coach of the defeated, is down.
Now look as Woolmer sways. Is he sat on a bar stool? The Star hears experts say how the tiny bone in Woolmer’s neck could have been broken in a “drunken fall”.
Accidental death? The Star says this would be a “huge embarrassment” to the aforementioned Shields who has said he is “100% certain”.
Fortunately, the papers are not confined to the business of facts and proof and can freely speculate on any number of reasons for Woolmer’s demise. To date, Woolmer has been offed by poison, strangulation, a crime of passion, drugs and al-Qaeda.
But was it all an accident?
Shields, as the Mail notes, is flying back to the UK for a holiday. “Don’t read anything into it,” says Shields. This break to see his children in the UK is “set in stone”. Says she: “I won’t change it for anything.” Shields will not be denied.
But the Mail does read things into it. It says Shield’s movements are “already being compared to the break taken by Cambridge Chief Constable Tom Lloyd, who went to France during the Soham investigation”.
The death of a man is now spoken of in the same breath as the evil murder of two girls?
The plot thickens. And the Express sees a “new twist”, just as it saw a “new twist” last week. It hears that Woolmer had a drink and may have slipped in the shower.
Did the “manual strangulation”, as indicated by the initial post mortem, result from a fatal tangle with a shower hose or a soap on a rope?
And here’s the Sun: “COPS NOT CLOSER TO BOB’S MURDER.” No new clues? Oh, come on. There must be something?
Thus challenged, the Sun talks of aconite, a white powder “used in the Middle Ages to cause death by asphyxiation”.
A new twist.
But in spite of so many helpful suggestions Shields is no closer to solving the case. But he is closer to his children. And, as the Sun says, Shields is closer to “local beauty Kenessa Linton, 24”.
Has she been DNA tested?
And what does she look like in the shower? Is there any CCTV footage?
Posted: 2nd, April 2007 | In: Back pages | Comment (1)
Hamid, Hamed, Hamad – Bob Woolmer And Third Man Malik: Update And Correction
UPDATE: The Anorak has just received a solicitor’s letter from a Mr Hamid Malik Zia’s representatives.
Anorak readers may not realise that this is the man referred to in the piece hereunder – his not being named such. Indeed, Mr Hamid’s name does appear as aforesaid in the Times’ article which can be read here – Woolmer police hunt three missing fans who met team.
Hamad Malik gets a mention in the Times of India – 3 Pak fans may hold key to murder.
The Daily Mirror – which Anorak quotes as its source – mentions Mr Malik in WANTED BY WOOLMER COPS Hunt for three hanger-on fans.
And here.
Mr Hamed Malik can be read about in the Daily Mail’s website – here (Daily Mail).
Or you can read the Sun – Fans vanished after Bob murder.
And again the Mail – Woolmer murder detectives search for three ‘gofers’, and Cricket murder police hunt three Pakistan team helpers
Or Hamid Malik here.
The Anorak wrote its piece in the belief that anyone reading a satirical site such as this would notice most the comment on the press – that they cannot even agree on a person’s name.
The comment “and it was murder” is meant as sarcastic, given that the only evidence for murder were the words of the police chief, who was certain. Of course Mr Woolmer was not murdered.
We wish no comment on Mr Malik at all – his name being incidental to the media hype. We are sorry he feels offended. We reported the story in good faith. And were not informed about Mr Hamid’s issue until today – Jan 15, 2008. Had he contacted us earlier we would have been all too willing to help him. We will try our best to help him now.
We only say that Mr Malik contacted the police on his return to the UK and was not required for interview. We are happy to confirm that Mr Malik was not named or sought by the police as a suspect in the investigation into the death of Bob Woolmer.
We said that before…
We trust this is an end to the matter.
————————————————————————
The article — and please note that sources are mentioned. We make notes where we believe we made an attempt at humour and irony:
NO declaration (Pun) yet in the Bob Woolmer murder case. But a new player is introduced. (Pun)
The Mirror looks at Hamid Malik, otherwise known to Mirror readers as Hamad Malik and to readers of the Sun as Hamed Malik. (Irony)
In the interests of justice, Anorak has made mention of all names, believing they could be one and the same person or else three people acting in consort. We await the arrival on the scene of Hamyd Malik with an eagle eye. (Humour attempt)
But to this Hamid character. The Mirror has a large photograph of his face. He is one of four “fanatical followers” of the Pakistan cricket team.
A family member of the man tells the Mirror they have spoken with him. “He is just hopping from island to island at the moment,” we learn. He is “enjoying the cricket”. And: “He is not aware that anyone is looking for him. He has not spoken to the police. We know 100 per cent he is not involved in anything.” (We give both sides of the report)
But there is controversy. The Mirror hears that Mr Malik was banned from amateur cricket’s Saddleworth and District League following a fight with one of his own players. The two years ban was extended indefinitely when Malik failed to show up at a hearing. He has never played for the Staley Cricket Club again. (Humour attempt)
Readers learn that Malik, who appears to be of middle-order years, lives with his mum.
Of course, it might be that his mum lives with him. But the Mirror is building a profile of the man and there is little time for niceties. (Irony attempt)
So do you know that man the police want to speak with in light of the Bob Woolmer murder? And it was murder (Sarcasm attempt). As investigating officer Mark Shields says: “It is very clear from the pathologist’s report that we are dealing with a murder investigation.”
Do you recognise Malik, who may be holidaying under one of his aliases? (Humour attempt)
Mr Malik contacted the police on his return to the UK and was not required for interview. We are happy to confirm that Mr Malik was not named or sought by the police as a suspect in the investigation into the death of Bob Woolmer.
Posted: 30th, March 2007 | In: Back pages | Comment (1)
Shining Like A Gemma Atkinson
GEMMA Atkinson, lover to footballer Cristiano Ronaldo, is sitting by a pool.
As the Star’s front page reveals (“Soap sizzler Gemma goes for bust”), the sun’s rays are turning her flesh a deep and vivid shade of orange.
But Gemma is not in danger. She can escape the merciless Spanish sun by sliding into the pool. Gemma is not all about taking risks. She knows preparation is all. Gemma comes equipped with two floatation devices attached to her chest.
These are “GEMMA’S MIGHTY OAKS” in the Sun. Gemma looks “spot on” in her leopard-print bikini. And her pal, Emmerdale actress Roxanne Pallett is a “cut above the breast” in a blue swimming costume.
“What a pair, of, er, Germs!” says the Star. Are they auditioning for “BOOBwatch”?
Hard to say. We don’t know where surgically-enhanced Gemma will go next. She’s a star. She shines day and night…
Posted: 29th, March 2007 | In: Back pages | Comment
Laden With Rumour – Bob Woolmer And Al-Qaeda
“AL-QAEDA LINK TO WOOLMER MURDER.”
Bob Woolmer was killed by al-Qaeda? This is no small matter.
Afghanistan’s links to Pakistan are the stuff of war despatches, but did we ever believe Osama bin Laden and his horde were cricket fans? We know Bin Laden follows the Arsenal. But this is something new. Does the War on Terror break for tea? Will it be ended by a declaration?
Upset by Pakistan’s defeat to the Irish infidels, were orders given for al-Qaeda operatives to exact bloody and merciless revenge?
The hunt for Bin Laden goes on. And in light of the Sun’s news we suggest the Army’s listening devices in Afghanistan be recalibrated to pick up chants of “You don’t know what you’re doing” and “You’re not fit to wear the shirt”? Somewhere along Afghanistan’s border with Pakistan a cricket fan is weeping into his replica kit.
And above ground, the search is on for a Pakistan-based bookmaker. This turf accountant’s name is not given. But readers learn that he is “an associate” of Dawood Ibrahim.
Ibrahim comes with top billing, described as “one of the world’s most feared gangsters who has terrorist links”. He wasn’t at the World Cup but his brother Anees Ibrahim was. He was with the bookmaker.
And there is talk of a row between Woolmer and this shadowy betting man. An “official” tells us: “Bob Woolmer says he had thrown a bookie out of his room. He didn’t give a reason.”
Jamaica’s Deputy Commissioner of Police, Mark Shields, says now he has the names he will be investigating.
And we add a new line of inquiry to the matter.
Poison. Gambling. Murder. Cricket. Al-Qaeda. If someone can find a religious angle, we might just have an international bestseller on our hands…
Posted: 29th, March 2007 | In: Back pages | Comment (1)
Police stumped in Bob Woolmer “Crime Of Passion”
VIDEO evidence has an established role in modern cricket and there is good reason to believe the Bob Woolmer case will be solved.
Mark Shields, the Jamaican’s policeman leading the hunt for Woolmer’s killer or killers, is studying CCTV footage of the areas adjacent to the crime scene.
But Shields, the fourth official, wants another opinion. And, as the Sun reports, a second post-modem on Woolmer’s cadaver is to be performed. Shields calls this routine. But can it ever be so?
And, as the headline goes – “WOOLMER ‘NOT MURDER’ RIDDLE” – there is a suggestion that the now former Pakistan team coach was not assassinated.
We hear from Tim Noakes, who was co-writing a book with Woolmer. He calls the idea that Woolmer was about to expose corruption in the game “ludicrous”. And he offers an alternative line of enquiry: “This smacks of a crime of passion – a moment of unexpected madness by someone.”
This is what gives the Sun its headline. Was Woolmer’s death a team building exercise that went too far? And why did the Sun overlook the chance for a more salacious headline?
The hunt continues. “Skipper remains silence,” says the Mirror’s headline. Pakistan’s captain Inzamam-ul-Haq is confronted by the Mirror. Inzamam is enjoying a curry in Southall, West London, a short distance from his Heathrow Airport hotel.
He refuses to respond. Is this an episode of “brooding silence”, of the type former Pakistan Cricket Board chairman Shaharyar Khan tells the Express followed one of Inzamam’s heated exchanges with Woolmer? “Revealed: Murdered cricket coach’s rows with his captain,” says the Express’ headline.
Inzamam will not speak to the Mirror. He will not comment on Jundie Khan, Erfan Chaudhary, Tariq Malik and Hamad Malik, the hanger-oners being sought.
Helpfully, Tariq Malik is not so reticent. In “WE DIDN’T KILL BOB” Malik says he’s helping the police as best he can. And Chaudhary, pictured in grainy and shadowy form, says he wasn’t even on the island at the time of Woolmer’s stumping.
So who did it? Not at least two of the hanger-oners. And not any member of the Pakistan team. At least that’s what PJ Mir, Pakistan’s media manager says. “The Pakistan team has been officially cleared from the murder inquiry,” says he.
But Shields responds: “It’s too early to clear anyone, including the Pakistan team.”
So how did Woolmer die?
The net is being widened. The Star says all persons staying in the Pegasus Hotel at the time of Woolmer’s death will now be DNA tested.
And the video footage continues to be examined. The crowd await the verdict…
Posted: 28th, March 2007 | In: Back pages | Comment (1)
